Cul-De-Sac Boys
by Mr. Dusk
Summary: It's been twenty years since the Edboys were accepted by the rest of the cul-de-sac kids. Now returning from eighteen months in prison, Eddy's found the outside to be even rougher. Inspired by Trailer Park Boys et al. Cover art by TYBAY.
1. S1E1: Time to Get the Fuck Out of Prison

**Co-Written by Neo H.B.B. Sam**

**Footage from Police Body Cams **

The time was 6:42 PM on a rainy Wednesday in Peach Creek. Three figures stood in an alleyway situated in-between Danny's Meat Shop and the recently foreclosed AKA Shoes. All three of them were wearing baggy hooded sweatshirts, with their hoods up to mask their identities and not get wet. The two larger mooks approached the shorter person, one with a tattered duffel bag in their hands, the other carrying some plastic bags branded with the local Want*More logo on them. They were all shaking, which could have been from either the cold, nerves, or a combination of both.

"Alright Ed, just keep your mouth shut and let me do all the talking," a gruff, deep voice instructed. He clenched his plastic bags tightly while walking closer to their client.

"Gotcha Eddy!" exclaimed a laid back, yet hoarse voice. Ed swung around the duffel bag without a care in the world, almost having it fly out of his hands. The buzzing of flies could be heard zooming around his attire, some dying upon contact.

"Hey, I said to shut it!" Eddy elbowed his friend as the two stepped closer to the other figure, splashing their feet in the muddy puddles.

_"So you boys ready to deal?" _an obviously modified voice asked. Leaning back against a cracked brick wall, this figure radiated the most confidence, as this wasn't their first time making a play.

Eddy nodded, "Oh yeah, but first, you gotta show me the big bucks."  
_  
"You'll get your money, I just want to see if your shit's worth buying."_

"Home grown from my secret lair!" Ed perked, opening up the drawstring and unzipping the bag of its contents.

"Dammit Ed, zip that back up! You're gonna ruin the goods if it gets damp in this crap!"

_"Alright boys,"_ the figure smirked, putting a hand on their hips._ "Now do me a little favor and put the bag down and get on the ground!"_

"Get on the ground?" questioned Eddy, growing suspicious as he scanned his eyes around the surroundings. "What's the big idea here?"

The dumpster and other garbage cans began rustling, with a few sheriff deputies popping out from behind them pointing their guns at Ed and Eddy. Then suddenly ripping their hooded sweatshirt off, the figure revealed themselves to be another deputy, flashing a badge. She whipped out her standard issued handgun and pressed it directly against Eddy's chest. "I said get on the fucking ground before I shoot!"

"Oh, hello baby sister!" Ed greeted cheerfully as a swarm of deputies tackled him to the ground and began placing him in restraints.

Eddy groaned, placing his hands in the air as he started to sweat. He got on his knees while Sarah still had the metallic muzzle of the gun lined up on his body. "Ed, you idiot!" Eddy yelled. Sarah holstered her gun back as she put Eddy in a gooseneck wrist lock, taking great pleasure in busting him with a smile on her face. "We were setup by Sarah!"

Ed seemed confused as the officers were finished shackling him up. "But Eddy, Sarah said we had to show her our stash!" The deputies couldn't help but laugh at how gullible he was. "She would have melted my bootleg DVD collection of the _Piranha_ series if I did not comply."

"Holy shit! Shut the fuck up Ed, just fucking shut up!" He was almost about to lunge at Ed, only for Sarah to slam him into the dirt as he growled with ire. The deputies continued to laugh at the two as the audio was drowned out by increasingly heavy rain, ending the recording.

* * *

**Eighteen Months Later...**

"Rise and shine Eddy, it's time to get the fuck out of prison!"

Fluorescent lighting beamed on Eddy as he was awoken by three gigantic guards. Eddy himself was no longer the short and stout guy he was in his younger years. With age came a growth spurt, and with prison time came added muscular bulk. Yet these guards were the size of pick-up trucks in comparison to even a brick-house like Eddy, but that didn't bother him.

"Ugh, who turned on the sun?" Eddy rolled over before it set-in what the guard had just said, peaking his interest as he jumped out of his bed. "Whoa wait, did you say it's time to get the fuck out?"

"Don't make me have to repeat myself," the guard addressed as another correctional officer tossed some dusty clothes at Eddy. "The faster you get dressed, the sooner we hopefully don't have to see your ass around here again."

Eddy glared at the pile of clothes in his hands. It had been a long time for him, but he remembered what these were: his old street clothes. Having been over a year and a half of not wearing them, Eddy struggled putting them back on. The under-shirt was far too snug on his robust figure now, his pants tight on the thighs, and the buttons on his shirt burst off from the pressure, blasting around the prison cells like bullets in an alley. "First thing I'm buying is new clothes once I blow this Popsicle stand."

One of the CO's sniffled before lamenting, "I'm gonna miss you Eddy. Prison food's never tasted better with you as the head chef."

"Why the hell do you eat the prison food here man?" a guard questioned his fellow officer. "You know we can bring our own lunch, right?"

"Because I'm inept and haven't lived until I tried one of Eddy's omelets."

"This guy gets it," Eddy smirked, pointing at the guard with finger guns. "Don'tcha fret, if ya ever bump into me on the outside, I'll let'cha have some on the house."

The guard wiped his nose and eyes before saying, "Thanks Eddy, that means a lot."

"Alright enough of this, Eddy doesn't get to be treated like a human being again until he steps outside of the gates!" one of the guards snapped. "We're wasting time, off to processing on the double maggots!"

As Eddy was escorted from his cell into the halls, several inmates and guards hollered their goodbyes. It was the usual custom whenever anyone's time was fully served for the entire prison to get more riled up than fans at a Superbowl game.

"See ya later hombre, don't forget to write!" a member of the Latin Kings screamed before making out with his MS-13 boyfriend for all to see.

"Take care and try not to come back Eddy!" another guard yelled as she was trying to keep a couple of unruly inmates from lunging towards him.

"Yeah, if we catch ya around fucking with us again you a dead Ed!" one of the violent prisoners screeched until he could be put in restraints by a CO.

It made Eddy smile with not just the idea of finally having freedom, but also with how he'd miss these guys. He was certainly a lot more popular in prison than he ever was in school, that's for sure. "Never give up fellas, strike for gold!" Eddy roared, with the prison roaring back louder. The guards escorting Eddy shoved him ahead a bit as they hustled away from the crowd of excited inmates. He had been savoring this moment from upon arrival, and now that it was here, Eddy wanted to revel in it as the grin on his face could not be wiped off.

After going through a seemingly endless series of halls and gates, Eddy was stopped inside an office. A couple of the guards with him returned to different posts as he was about to get his belongings back. "Okay, Eddy is it?" the female guard behind the counter asked as he nodded. "Can't believe you're finally outta the click."

"Heh, yeah, me neither," Eddy replied, wiping his forehead.

"I could've used your legal team during my divorce," she laughed while digging around for his possessions. "Maybe I could still have custody of the kids..."

To break the ice after that awkward comment, Eddy scratched his head and mused with, "Eh, you'll get to see the little scamps once they turn eighteen."

"Yeah I know, but that'll be years from now," she voiced before slamming a box of goods onto the counter. "Oh look at me, talking to a now ex-con about how long time passes, ha ha. Okay, let's see what we got here."

In the box contained the paraphernalia Eddy had on him during his initial arrest. The first thing to catch Eddy's eyes was his wallet, which he quickly yanked and opened. As he felt up the coins and cash inside, his eyes turned into dollar signs and his mouth began to salivate. This was the first time he had touched money in nearly two years, to a grand total of twenty-five dollars and sixty-nine cents. "At last, sweet, sweet moolah!" Eddy rejoiced as the guards in the room couldn't help but snicker at his obsessive fondness for currency.

"Only in prison do I see grown-ass men get so giddy over so little cash."

When the moment of ecstasy dwindled, Eddy regained his composure and stumbled upon his old flaxen-colored windbreaker jacket. Unlike his shirts and pants, the coat fit him just fine, which made Eddy relieved as he searched the contents of its pockets. Hoping to find another green substance he liked as a hidden treasure, Eddy was dismayed that he could not find any, although knew deep-down it was a fool's endeavor to imagine that slipping by the system. But what he did feel in the depths of his pockets was a vibrator covered in pubes. "What the hell, I had her pussy rocker on me this whole time?" Eddy was puzzled as he scanned the sex toy, too unsure about its presence to be embarrassed by it. "Don't recall her hair being brown down there."

The female guard nervously blushed as she waved her brunette hair. "Ha ha yeah, that's pretty weird."

"You know what, you keep it." Eddy slammed the genital massager on the counter. "I got everything I need, time to skedaddle on outta here!"

Not bringing much with him, Eddy had everything he brought to prison as the guard walked him to the front gates. Direct sunlight shined on Eddy's light pink skin for the first time in ages as he made his way out of the prison. The whole world felt so spacious again after being confined to a dull gray institution for so long. It seemed surreal to Eddy, being on the other side of the barb wire fence and armed guards in their towers, but this was his reality now.

Yet within seconds of absorbing in the joys of the outside world again, a black van pulled up in the prison's parking lot. Jumping out of it was a camera crew consisting of three schlemps who instantly began filming the moment they landed. One of them carried an expensive camcorder to record everything with, the other wielded a large boom microphone for picking up all sounds, and the last jamoke held a giant LED filming light panel so there could be bright and bloom for everything as per industry standard.

"Hey, what gives!" Eddy protested as he tried to shoo away the production crew. "Since when did my life become _The Truman Show_?"

"It said in your post-prison plan that you'd have a film crew record your life for an undisclosed amount of years," the guard accompanying him informed. "Gotta say, really impressed by that legal team of yours for getting such an experimental form of punishment applied to your sentence."

Smacking his hand to his face, Eddy groaned, having forgot about this part of his plea bargain during the original sentencing. "You chomos won't follow me to the bathroom at least, will ya?" Eddy asked as the crew shrugged, with Eddy sighing as he rolled his eyes. "Whatever, shouldn't Sockhead or someone pick me up soon?"

"Actually, we called over your new parole officer to give you a lift home," the guard said as pulling up alongside the curb was a patrol car belonging to the Peach Creek Sheriff's Department. "And there she is, right on time."

"She?"

Much to Eddy's misfortune, it was none other than Sarah who stepped out of the vehicle. Unlike the last time he saw her, she was in full uniform this time, with a khaki deputy shirt, green clip-on tie and trousers, tactical boots, and was equipped with tactical gear on her duty belt. Eddy could feel his soul recoiling at the sight of her, the one responsible for getting him incarcerated in the first place. "Long time no see Eddy!" Sarah proclaimed, having a disturbing amount of sweetness to her normally loud and sharp voice.

"You gotta be yankin' my dick!" Dumbfounded, Eddy could only wonder what other sick jokes would be played on him in his post-prison life. He quickly turned around and the iron chained gate quickly slammed shut on him before he could run back in. Eddy tugged on the gate, "Yo guard, if I hit ya really hard, can I get some extra time for a good month? I'm not ready for this!"

"Oh no, you're a felon now Eddy, you don't get to walk down easy street anymore," the guard laughed as he strolled back to the prison. "No more privacy, your arresting officer as your parole officer, and all the other loss of privileges. Man are you in for it now! Get ready for the rest of your life ha ha ha!"

Eddy quickly tried to climb the gate, but one of the guards fired a warning shot just above his head, making Eddy recoil and he soon crashed onto the asphalt. Getting up, Eddy brushed off the bits of blacktop on his clothes as Sarah stood right next to him. He then grabbed onto the fence and started shaking it. "Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!"

"Eddy, stop. You're just embarrassing yourself now." Sarah's smile unnerved Eddy as he slowly pulled away from the fence, but he knew that with her position of power over him, and the camera chumps recording his every action, that there was no way for him to scam, scheme, or scramble his way out of this one.

* * *

**Cul-De-Sac Boys**

**"Time to Get the Fuck Out of Prison!"**

* * *

**Interview: Edward "Eddy" McGee – Age 32, Ex-Con**

The footage starts with a close up of Eddy leaning against the fence, his face looking exhausted. "My name is Eddy, today was supposed to be my special day because I'm finally getting the fuck out of prison after eighteen months. Thank fuck."

The footage jump cut to another angle, a bit further away showing Eddy's full body. "I know you guys following me around was part of my sentencing and all but holy shit, I had forgotten all about this. Will I at least get paid for this?" Eddy's eyes narrowed in annoyance at the crew's response, "Well, fuck you then."

The next angle has Eddy leaning against the fence. "Well, you guys are gonna get to know Sarah, Ed, Double-D, and pretty much everyone around the neighborhood. We've all known each other since we were kids, and I guess none of us really has anywhere else to fucking be."

Another close up of Eddy, this time he had a confident smile. "I'll tell ya, I'm gonna get out of prison, I'm gonna move back to the cul-de-sac, I'm gonna live a good clean life. No, seriously, I learned a lot from prison. Things are gonna be different."

* * *

**Interview: Sarah Armstrong – Age 29, Sheriff's Deputy**

The footage starts with Sarah giving a sweet smile to the camera. She had one hand on her hip, the other on the back of her patrol car. "I'm Deputy Armstrong of the Peach Creek Sheriff's Department. Earned the badge fairly and definitely not because my mom was the Major at the department!" Her face twinged a bit when saying the last bit.

The next angle showed Sarah sitting on the back of the patrol car with her nodding. "Yeah, I've known Eddy ever since I was a kid. He is, has been, and always will be a pain in the ass, but hey, someone has to keep an eye on him. Aside from working my ass off almost every day, I live at my parents' house with my brother, his wife, and their kid. You'll have to talk to them yourselves."

There was a close up on Sarah, looking a bit sullen. "My parents retired a couple years back, and they decided to live the rest of their days in Hawaii. Almost wish I went with them, but well...I promised them I'd look after my brother."

* * *

"Come on, I'll let you sit up front." Sarah held open the passenger's side door for Eddy as he begrudgingly squeezed himself in, with his head rubbing against the vehicle's ceiling. The cameraman hopped in the back seat and Sarah began to drive off.

For the first fifteen minutes, the car ride went by rather uncomfortably silent. They drove past mountain ranges, dense forests, and mosquito-invested swamps, which the two were well accustomed to thanks to growing up in the area. It wasn't until they drove up by a stoplight that Sarah finally made a rather poor attempt to ease the tension by asking, "So, how was prison?"

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ASK ME THAT AFTER YOU'RE THE ONE THAT PUT ME BEHIND BARS IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Eddy bellowed, shaking the entire car with his volcanic yell.

"WELL, WHEN SOMEONE'S A SHERIFF'S DEPUTY AND HER BOYFRIEND IS A GREASY LOW-LIFE DRUG DEALER, YOU DON'T LEAVE HER WITH A WHOLE LOT OF OPTIONS!" Sarah shouted back with a scream as equally loud, the two having rivaling bombastic voices. The cameraman had to hastily adjust his audio settings to ensure that their screaming could still be comprehensible.

"OH GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME AND ED TO SCRAM BUT NO, YOU THROW OUR ASSES IN THE SLAMMER TO ROT!"

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SO RETARDED YOU COULDN'T TELL THAT WAS ME?" Both of their faces were glowing red with rage comparable to the intensity of a super-giant star. "SORRY THAT YOU'RE ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS STUPID THAN MY IDIOT BROTHER!"

"THAT'S A LOAD OF SHIT! YOU'RE NOT SORRY AND YOU KNOW IT YOU CONNIVING CUNT!" It was a wonder that neither had gotten physical with each other yet. "YOU'D FUCK ME AND ED OVER AGAIN FOR ANYTHING WE'D DO BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEGA BITCH WITH A FLAGPOLE UP HER COOCH!"

"SERIOUSLY? GROW THE HELL UP EDDY! JUST GROW UP AND STOP-" Just then, nature's most moronic mammal, the whitetail deer, came sprinting across the street making Sarah slam on the brakes with the force of a hydraulic press. Eddy smashed his head against the glove box and the cameraman's camcorder nearly slipped as he fumbled about ensuring it was stable again. The hoofed creature gave a blank expression at the patrol car before striding off without a care. "Oh my God, that was close."

As everyone tried catching their breath, Sarah pulled over to the side of the road as the two recuperated from that explosive screaming match. They took in large gulps of air as their faces returned back to their original skin tones, and also to somewhat remedy their hurt vocal cords. "Sarah, where's the first aid kit?" Eddy questioned as he wiped some blood pouring down his forehead.

"Hang on, I'll fix ya up." Sarah unlocked the glove box with a key on her belt and pulled out a medical kit given to first responders. She wiped the blood off with some tissue and wrapped his head in cotton cloth and bandages, making Eddy look part-mummy. "There we go, um, shit... my bad."

"Whatever, we're too old to keep yelling for hours anymore," Eddy told her as he attempted to step out of the car, only to find the door locked. "Sarah, let me out so I can hitchhike or get a lift back home with Ryde." Sarah raised her brow. Eddy nodded. "Oh yeah that's right, I'd rather be in a car with an over-sharing junkie schizo right now than spend another moment with you."

"I'm your parole officer still Eddy," Sarah reminded as she pulled out a notepad and began scribbling everywhere in it. "We're still gonna see each other after this for a long time."

"I thought you told me that you can't be a normal cop and a parole piggy at the same time?"

"Budget cuts made us pick up more work than we should," Sarah explained, almost breaking her pencil as she stabbed it through the notebook. "But on the bright side, I'm the youngest deputy to become a sergeant in the department's history!"

"Whoop-de-fucking-do." Eddy took in a deep breath as he rubbed his head wounds, shaking as he then clenched the seat's edges with his huge hands. "How the fuck did we agree to start dating when we've always argued like this since we were kids?"

"Fuck if I know." Sarah unlocked the car doors and handed Eddy her cellphone. "I got Ryde under my contacts, hell scroll through the whole damn thing for all I care. But just a head's up, I am gonna stop by your place a lot to check up on ya later, because it's my job to."

"Alright, now shut up, I'm gettin' something." Sarah looked outside the window with a scowl on her face as Eddy went back-and-forth with a Ryde driver for several minutes until completing his call. After he was done, he handed her phone back, with Sarah somewhat surprised he didn't bother to look through her phone. "Guy said he'll be here in ten minutes." Eddy then looked into the camera. "Camera chomo, give us some space, I got something to tell Sarah."

The cameraman exited the patrol car as he went off to record Eddy and Sarah from a distance. As he thought, the two didn't check for the spare mic he left in the backseat that had a wireless hookup to his camera. He made sure his headphones were working accordingly so he could eavesdrop on everything.

"How about a quick one for the road ya twerp?"

"I thought you wanted to dump me you flathead?"

"I haven't touched a woman in ages, and I know you love fucking the shit outta people. As my legal team would say, this is a plea bar-gain or something."

Sarah pondered for a bit until a devilish grin appeared on her face. She looked around and drove the patrol car off into some mountain laurel. The camera zoomed in to witness Sarah slapping a pair of handcuffs on Eddy's wrists. As Eddy pulled down her trousers, the cameraman quickly realized he didn't sign up for this to film pornography, and found himself stumbling. The camera landed on the grass with a thud, with the cry of an "Oh shit!" being the last thing recorded before it turned off.

* * *

**Later that Evening**

The footage started up again on Rethink Avenue with the crew quickly setting up and Eddy knocking on the window of his Ryde car. "Here's your tip jackass!" Eddy flipped off the Ryde driver before the car speed away, with exhaust fumes blasting his face. "Fucking shit!" He gagged and coughed as the camera zoomed in on him. Eddy gave a nasty glare as the camera lined up with his face. "Hey guys, thanks for not giving me a lift, dickheads."

Eddy shook his head and lead the camera crew towards his house, which was the third one on the right in the cul-de-sac. It was already night time as the only lights on were the streetlights that illuminated the neighborhood. That and the LED panel that continued to shine directly on Eddy, who covered his eyes as to not get blinded by the camera chumps. Still, even with having some lights brighter than a nuclear bomb obstruct his vision, Eddy was still able to find his old residence from memory alone.

"You know, it's been a shitty day and all after getting out of the clink and running into Deputy Bitchface and you shit lickers, but I'm gonna celebrate. Gonna call up Lumpy and Double-D, get drunk, listen to some Barry White, and maybe even smoke some dope. Shit's gonna be cash!" He pulled out the key to his front door from his jacket pocket and tried to unlock it. The key went in, but jiggling it around didn't do much, and any more force would've snapped it in half. "The hell?"

"What up, faggot!"

"Oh fuck no..." Eddy trailed off as he slowly raised his head up, "...it's my brother."

The camera panned up to capture a large middle-aged man with a goatee inside the house, taunting Eddy from an open window. His attire hadn't changed in decades, still wearing the same tattered red flannel jacket, raggedy basketball jersey with the number sixty-two on it, a dirty pair of cargo pants, a torn flat cap to cover his bald spot, and beaten to hell shoes. He stuck his head out the windowsill smoking a rolled-up cigarette. "Finally done having a gay ol' time droppin' the soap in the slammer, eh pipsqueak?"

"What the hell are you doing in my house? This ain't one of your fucked up pranks again is it?"

Eddy's brother laughed with a throat filled with ashes, coughing some of chunks of tar out. "No no, I think you mean my house now, bitch!" He took a drag on his cancer stick, still chuckling.

"The fuck are you talking about?" Eddy jumped up into the air, and somehow stayed in place with sheer anger. "Mom left me with the house after dad passed you shithead!"

Bro blew smoke into Eddy's face as his own face began to leer smugly. "Yeah, then when you got caught doing stupid shit, I stepped in to help out like the responsible eldest son I am!" He then smacked Eddy on the top of his head, causing his younger brother to fall flat onto the yellow grass. "So, who's the disappointment now?"

Popping himself back up, Eddy pointed his finger in-between Bro's eyes and shouted, "Oh, you wanna throw down? Well I'm ready to beat your ass this time!"

His brother continued to laugh while slapping his thighs. "Holy shit pipsqueak! Beating ass huh? Not that I care if you're queer, but I'm your brother you sicko!" He kept cackling like a hyena as he slouched away from the window, almost hacking up some black gunk on the way.

"That's not what I meant asshole!" Eddy bellowed as some lights inside people's houses began to flicker on from the commotion. "Get out of my house you piece of shit!"

Abruptly, a vintage turntable was thrown out of the window by Eddy's brother, who gave a sadistic smirk at the camera. Eddy barely caught it, tumbling around in the yard as he set his record player down. "Hey, don't throw my shit around Bro!"

"You're the dumbass who left it in _my _room!"A disco ball was then thrown out, which nearly blinded everyone thanks to the LED lights beaming off it as it began to act like a second sun with the brightness it gave off.

Eddy quickly caught that too, stacking it on top of the turntable. He had to wipe his eyes as he could still see light through his eyelids after getting shined hard by the thousands of facets on the disco ball. The camera man had to rapidly white balance on several occasions as to make the film actually visible without having to severely edit it in post. "Mom let me have your room in high school!"

"And it's been my room again once I came back home!" Suddenly, a whole bunch of retro-styled items were thrown out the window, as Eddy scrambled to catch each one before any of them hit the ground.

"Come on Bro, knock this shit off!" Eddy hollered as a lava lamp landed perfectly on his head, pushing him back. "You're gonna wake up mom and freak her the hell out!"

After that comment, Bro stopped chucking all of Eddy's retro paraphernalia out the window and soon enough walked out of the house with a solemn look that almost seemed rather uncharacteristic of him. "She ain't here, pipsqueak."

Eddy struggled balancing himself while carrying all his possessions so they wouldn't drop and break. "What do ya mean she ain't here?" he interrogated, his anger transforming into confusion. "The doc said she should be in bed by this time! Don't tell me she wandered off to Lemon Brook again!"

"Look, she wasn't getting better with you gone, and I couldn't keep taking care of her," Eddy's brother admitted, looking away up at the crescent moon. He took a puff from his cig as the smoke rose into the night sky. "I had her placed in a nursing home. It was for everyone's good."

All the items Eddy had caught fell from his hands. He couldn't believe what his brother just said, and stood there in disbelief. "You gotta be kidding me..." The unusual look of seriousness on his brother's face confirmed to him that this wasn't another shitty prank, but the real deal much to his despair. "You know what, stay in the fucking house! Can I just come back to get my stuff later?"

"This is all your shit pipsqueak, I pawned off the rest of it for a few packs," his brother informed him as he stepped back inside, tossing his cig on the welcome mat. "It's all there on the front lawn, now get off _my_ property unless you're eager to go back to the slammer."

Eddy stood there in silence, dumbfounded. He looked at his pile of belongings, with some shattered from him dropping them, while others remained intact. Turning towards the street, Eddy started walking away from what was once his house with nothing in his hands.

Bro stared at Eddy from the window with a poker face until he noticed the camera crew turning their attention towards him. "Oh shit, are you chomos from COPS?" He shut the blinds on them as the camera creeps turned their focus back on their primary subject. Eddy didn't mutter anything else as the camera crew continued stalking him into the night, following him wherever he ventured.

**End of Footage**


	2. S1E2: My Bro's the Fuckin' Worst!

**Co-Written by Neo H.B.B. Sam**

**Special Thanks to Scary Spikender**

Today started off like any other day for Eddward "Double-D" Ullman. He woke up as the sun was rising and the alarm on his smartphone was jingling. Getting up Double-D walked over to his closest and stepped on the adjacent pressure plate, allowing for a cover over the knob to open up so in turn he could open the door. Taking a terry cloth bathrobe, sanitized shower cap, one of his signature loofahs, and a bar of soap wrapped in plastic, Double-D then turned his attention to the turntable of black toque hats below. He rotated the wheel around until it landed on "**THURSDAY**" and gently lifted the hat off the mannequin head it was attached to.

As he stepped outside his room, Double-D commented, "Time to start my day with one of my-" he cut himself short upon noticing the camera scrubs awaiting him. He had just gotten up and was already being recorded, growing increasingly uncomfortable as they proceeded to film him. "Good Lord, did you guys stay here all night outside my room?" They nodded, further disturbing Double-D.

**Cul-De-Sac Boys Season 1 - Episode 2**

**"My Bro's the Fuckin' Worst!"**

* * *

**Interview: Eddward "Double-D" Ullman - Age 32, University Instructor**

Double-D sighed as he had a hand over his face. "Do we really have to do this now? We do? Okay, fine, but let's hurry this along. Ahem, greetings, my name is Eddward Ullman, and I teach at the state university in Apple Lake City."

He pushed his hands together. "I uh, don't really have a main area of teaching. I'm qualified to teach for plenty of subjects, in fact, you can see my diplomas right over there!"

The camera panned over a wall of degrees and lingered a bit towards a desk with his name on it, plus a framed photo of him and Eddy. Double-D quickly took the photo away and hid it behind his back.

"Oh, uh, this was just something Eddy had left here a while ago and has yet to pick it up!"

Double-D rubbed the back of his head, as the camera slowly zoomed in on him. "I'll be honest, some days I blame myself for Eddy's incarceration. Not that I had anything to do with the crime itself mind you, it's just that well… growing up I've always been trying to be the more responsible one of my friends. His parents even trusted me to keep an eye on their grades, and to deliver to them their report cards..." Double-D let out a breath at that memory. "Honestly, the two were sometimes more trouble than they were worth—but they were and still are the best friends I could have ever hoped for."

* * *

The interview was cut off abruptly as the camera crew backed away in a hurry. He knew why they were here—that was explained to him last night. What wasn't explained to him was the full detail of their dedication to capturing everything on film. Taking a detour from his usual morning routine of a splendorous shower, Double-D marched down to the kitchen with exasperated eyes. There he found a shirtless Eddy wearing only his briefs cooking up some omelets, showing off his jacked figure for his friend to behold, much to his delight.

"Sup Double-D," Eddy greeted as he flipped the omelet in the air, catching it like a pro with the pan. "Thanks for letting me crash here last night. I made us some breakfast as a little token of my appreciation."

The cameraman zoomed in on a blushing Double-D, who was too focused on Eddy's muscular body to pay anymore attention to the film crew. "W-W-Why it was no trouble at all Eddy." He staggered walking over to the kitchen table, sweating as he sat down. "My apologies again for what happened last night. Not only must transitioning from incarceration back to everyday life be a shock for you, but losing your house and belongings to your brother like that has to be excruciating."

"Thanks." He slammed the omelets onto some plates as he sprinkled them with liberal doses of salt and pepper. "Can't a guy get a break? I did my time, all I want is for things to go back to normal around here!"

"I can understand the frustrations Eddy, especially now with your status as a felon," Double-D remarked as Eddy handed him his omelet. His dish shined a cream color, lacking egg yolk much to his liking. The side of strawberries and some garnish to top it off impressed Double-D, who was glad to see that Eddy didn't forget how to prepare his favorite type of omelet while in prison. "Gracious, this looks absolutely fantastic Eddy! I haven't had a well-cooked meal like this in ages!"

"Anytime Double-D, omelets are my specialty." Eddy sat down with his own omelet, which made Double-D's look like a basic bitch in comparison. His was jam-packed with cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes, chives, ham, and a secret ingredient known only by a handful of individuals. Eddy had a blueberry bagel and some hash browns to compliment his specialty dish as he dug into his breakfast, salivating at his first real meal out of prison. "You know, I was the head cook back in the clink. Revamped the whole system, heck I even had some of the guards lining up for my chow!"

"I'm sure that the penitentiary will miss your delicious hand-cooked meals." Double-D smiled while taking a bite out of his omelet, only for it to vanish the moment he remembered the camera crew recording them. Swallowing his food before talked, he turned at Eddy and asked, "Do they have no concept of privacy whatsoever?"

"Those fuckwads will watch ya takin' a shit if ya don't stand your ground." Eddy took a big chomp of his omelet while flipping the bird at the camera chodes. "You were there when I took the plea bargain. These guys are with me for who knows how long!"

"Well I suppose privacy was already dead the moment social media took off." Double-D shrugged as he went to the refrigerator to grab him and Eddy some orange juice. "Also, I've been meaning to ask: why are you only in your underwear Eddy? As much as I adore your cooking, it is rather unsanitary to prepare food without appropriate attire."

"Because I know it gets you all hot and bothered." Double-D's face turned redder than the devil's dick as Eddy let out a burst of laughter, smashing his fist on the table hysterically. "I'm fuckin' with ya Double-D! I just got out of the shower and my clothes are still in the dryer."

Double-D struggled regaining his composure after that little joke. He shook while pouring him and Eddy's orange juice, sighing as he said, "Prison really hasn't changed you one bit, has it Eddy?"

"Honestly, it's nowhere as bad as everyone makes it out to be," Eddy replied, biting his bagel. "It was weird at first, then got a bit dull before I livened the joint up a bit."

"You should be thankful your legal team worked out getting you sent to a rather hospitable medium-security facility," Double-D reminded him. "Perhaps my next field of study should be criminal justice. Granted it's grown rather over-saturated in recent years, although not on the level of computer science."

"Jeez, how many fucking degrees do yo have by now? Five, ten, twenty, a bazillion, what?"

"Eight bachelor's degrees, three master's, and I'm almost done with my doctorate, thank you very much," Double-D smirked, priding himself on all of his academic accomplishments like the nerdy guy he was.

"So have you done anything cool yet with all those fancy degrees you got there Sockhead?" Eddy questioned as he chugged his orange juice like a frat boy with some beer, letting out a belch. "Or are you still hoarding them like Ed does with all his geeky shit?

"For your information Eddy, I've published several academic journals and scholarly articles in multiple areas of study," Double-D clarified, folding his arms. "In addition, I still teach at the university, which for the record I took the day off to be with you on your first full day out of prison."

"Oh fuck sorry, I forgot about that." There were a lot of times Eddy had it omitted in his mind that he and his friends were all adults with busy jobs now. Being in the big house for eighteen months didn't help much either, since that was a completely different beast compared to the outside world. "Not gonna lie, I didn't know you'd even _think_ of taking time off work. Shit, well, uh... what did you want to do today then Double-D? Playing hooky doesn't happen every day ya know."

"I'm not playing hooky, I've scheduled this vacation day months in advance," Double-D informed him. "But anyway, I propose that we get in touch with Ed. I'm sure he's plenty eager to see you again."

Ed was with him on the day of his arrest. Eddy could remember it like yesterday, how he was ready to go berserk on one of his best friends over that dumbass drug deal. He recalled Ed getting off really easy unlike him, probably in part of his sister being a sheriff's deputy, and his mental condition. Regardless, that was in the past, and right now all Eddy wanted was to be united with his two best friends again. "Now that's a great idea Double-D," he said, getting up and leaving the kitchen. "I bet the big lug's gonna drool all over me like a mastiff, ha ha ha!"

"Eddy, wait!" Double-D shrieked, following right behind him along with the camera crew. "You're indecent! Plus I haven't even showered yet!"

Glancing at his body, Eddy remembered how if he walked outside like this, he could end up having to register as a sex offender, and he didn't need that stacked on top of his ex-con status. "Good point, better let the clothes clean first." He flopped on top of Double-D's couch in the living room, making it creak from the impact like an eighteen-wheeler driving over an old wooden bridge. "Better wait for Sarah to leave for work too. Really don't wanna run into her right now."

"Look Eddy, I know you told me she's your parole officer now, which I know must make things awkward..." he trailed off that sentence after thinking about it for a few seconds. "Hold on right there, you two had sex recently, didn't you?"

"Yup."

That quick, yet flat response made Double-D facepalm, wiping his hand down his face, which blushed again. Only this time it made him red out of disappointment instead of embarrassment. "May I ask why?"

"I don't fucking know!" Eddy yelled at him. "Maybe because for the past eighteen months the only booty I could hunt was man's butt and I wasn't about to lower my standards to some inmate lovin'. Trust me, most of the guys in the joint aren't ones you'd like to fuck around with."

"My God, you just got out of prison Eddy!" Double-D exclaimed with his hands in the air. "Well, did you two stop at some sleazy run-down motel on your back to town, or-"

"Nah, we just got down and dirty and fucked on the side of the road like mountain lions."

A blank expression grew on Double-D's face as rather revolting mental image was being created in his head. "Pardon me for ever inquiring about your sex life in the first place."

"Whatever, hurry up with that shower so we can see Ed soon," Eddy reminded him as Double-D nodded and hustled back upstairs. The camera creepers were about to stalk him like the degenerates they were until Eddy noticed and snapped his fingers at them. "Hey now, you guys are supposed to be filming me, not Double-D. You with the lights, help me find the fuckin' remote so I can see what's on _Binge_. I think Sockhead's still got a subscription to that shit—fuck it's been ages since I've seen any good shows."

**One Hour Later**

Eddy and Double-D took a walk around the cul-de-sac to Ed's house. No longer was there the sounds of children playing outside, having been replaced with spring breezes that blew across the neighborhood while everyone was either at work or school.

For the occasion of visiting Ed, Double-D wore an orange button-up dress shirt with a plaid tie, nicely pressed black pants, dark business shoes, and of course, his signature black toque hat to offset the professionalism. Even after all these years, Double-D still wore that hat over his head, ensuring that no one would see what hid underneath it. Still, hat aside, his attire contrasted heavily with the rough and casual appearance of Eddy. Of course, it had always been that way since they were children, besides the special occasions when Eddy would dress to impress.

Once they approached Ed's house, Double-D proceeded to ring the doorbell. Several seconds passed and there was no answer. Irritated, Eddy pounded on the door, shouting, "Hey Ed, guess who's back?"

Yanking open the door was a child with cream-colored skin with a several freckles around her face and shoulders, about ten years old. She had wavvy strawberry-blond hair that reached her shoulders, along with a monobrow and pronounced front teeth that would require braces at some point to remedy. The girl's clothes consisted of a yellow T-shirt with a kaiju moth design on it, a bright-green pants, gray stockings, and some white shoes that already seemed too tight on her feet.

The girl gazed up at the two for a few moments before screaming, "Uncle Double-D's here with a big, scary man!"

"Big and scary?" It was times like these Eddy was reminded how people outside his group saw him based on appearance alone. Being a felon only made the "scary" part have something to back it up with, and ever since that growth spurt in his sophomore year of high school, he definitely towered over anyone else in the cul-de-sac.

"Do not fret June! Daddy is here to protect you and Double-D from the marauding forces of Hades!" Charging through the hallways and out into the front yard was none other than Ed, who gave Eddy a spear tackle right to the kidneys as he laid out his gigantic friend on the grass.

Eddy had expected to get plowed into the ground, but not with such force. It had been ages since he dealt with that kind of raw power, although his friend's fatherly instinct would bring out that destructive strength. "Relax Ed, it's me, Eddy!" He slowly pushed himself off the ground, cracking his back after getting hit with a strong attack like that. "I'm outta prison now!"

"Eddy!" Ed gave Eddy the biggest hug a lug like him could. As an adult Ed had a more average height of six feet tall and lanky figure, having been surpassed in height by Eddy years ago. Yet he was still plenty strong enough to crack Eddy's back with more force than necessary. "My friend! My pal! Hello! How are ya?"

* * *

**Interview: Edward "Ed" Armstrong - Age 33, Local Moron**

While still latching onto Eddy, Ed turned around and pressed his face against the camera lens, dragged his face around it a bit. "Hello there stealthy submarine, my name is Ed!"

"Please don't devour another camera Ed!" Double-D hollered from the background. "The last time your pica-like tendencies caused you to swallow a camcorder, it took hours to remove it from your digestive tract!"

Whimpering, Ed backed away a bit from the camera. "Ah but Double-D, I just wanted to show it my funny face, ha ha ha ha!" Malforming his own face into some rather twisted, cartoony shapes, one of the camera chodes carrying the LED lighting flashed a glint in Ed's eyes, halting his silly antics. "Oh, Eddy here is my bestest friend, same with Double-D! Yup, we've known each other forever and have been through thick, thin, and all the good stuff in-between! Some would say that we are closer than blood brothers, but that means contracting Double-D's-"

"For the last time Edward, I do not have AIDS!" Double-D shouted at him, hijacking this bit of the interview to defend his reputation. "I said I had _aides_ to assist me in some research at college, not that I'm HIV positive! Curse your basic lack of understanding for spreading this nasty rumor about me! I'll have you know that it's affected me in several-"

Ed stuck a joint in Double-D's mouth and lit it up with a fart. "Fly guy smokin' dope on a rope!" Double-D ended up taking a small hit before spitting out the reefer, hacking and puffing away into the distance. Eddy couldn't help but get into a laughing fit as Ed looked straight into the camera and said, "My sister is the law, and the law said it is A-OK for me to smoke as much dope as I could uh… hope to…um… to cope! Ha ha, I am a poet who knows it, huh Eddy?"

* * *

After having a riot at his friend's actions, Eddy regained his composure, telling Ed, "Glad to see nothing's changed big guy," he said, turning his attention to the Ed's daughter. "Hey Ed, why's June here? Shouldn't she be in school or something?"

Double-D finished clearing his throat of the fumes from the doobie Ed shoved in his mouth. "It's spring break in the Peach Creek school district—they had a few extra snow days they needed to fill this year."

"We just watched _Hard Ticket to Hawaii_ and dad said not to tell mom," June pipped in. "Now I know what I want for my birthday this year: a razor blade Frisbee to execute my enemies!"

Her disturbing statement made the camera crew back away a little, who were recording from a distance as not to potentially disrupt the moment. "Now June, as your father I must not condone such brutality," Ed informed his daughter. "Except in the movies when it's cool. Oh, and because your mom and aunt Sarah will pull out my intestines as if I were a wicked Skullcrawler!"

"Hey June, can't you recognize ole' uncle Eddy?" Eddy asked, spreading out his muscular arms that were thicker than Ed's body.

June analyzed him with a look of perplexion on her face like he was an alien from another planet. "Dad, does prison perform bizarre experiments on people to turn them into _this_? Or is it like traveling to another dimension and coming out a mutant?"

Eddy grimaced, groaning while rubbing his sandpaper-like five o' clock shadow. "Kid, it's called getting busted by your auntie because your old man here thought spilling the beans that we were selling pot was a good idea!" The atmosphere was beginning to carry some weight to it, and not a healthy kind either. It was more like the kind of weight that one of those landwhales in a motorized shopping cart slogging through a supermarket carried: aka unhealthy. "So in a way, your dad here's Dr. Frankenstein and I'm his monster 'cause I served time and he got off without so much as a slap on the wrist ha ha ha!"

Ed, Double-D, and June were growing noticeably uncomfortable Eddy right now, the three shifting their eyes at each other rapidly. Ed patted his daughter's head lightly, "It's Ed, Edd n' Eddy time now June, go on and play some video games my little bunion."

"Okay dad," she replied as Ed gently pushed her inside their house. But not before getting in one last jeer: "Fuck you uncle Eddy for making my parents and auntie cry at night, you fucking sac of shit!"

She slammed the door so hard it not only made the house rumble, but created a small, yet strong seismic vibration that would make a Richter scale nearly shatter. After having the shockwaves pulsate through their bodies, knocking Double-D over because of his feeble frame, Eddy pulled his friend back up before scratching his head. "I forget that today's children don't have the standards and practices enacted upon us when we were their age," Double-D commented about June's profanity and power, still wobbling around.

"Hey Ed." Eddy stood up straight, getting serious. "Did I really make you, May, and Sarah cry being in prison?"

Ed looked down, kicking some of the grass around before confessing, "We missed you Eddy! Three amigos no more, you parting ways from us left a void in our hearts like the darkness of outer space!" Tears were rolling down his baggy eyes like water flowing in the rapids. He snorted before continuing, "I tried to stay strong, but seeing Sarah breakdown while my woman comforted her broke me like I was a baby Graboid that smashed into a rock!"

As Ed began to sob hysterically, Eddy started to sweat as Double-D gave him a disappointing glare. He figured people would miss him in the cul-de-sac, but not like this. Clearly his time in prison didn't affect him the most after all. "Ah geez, I'm sorry Ed!" Pressing Ed against his chest to use as a tissue for his tears, Eddy looked over at Double-D, who was still folding his arms. "I know you didn't mean for me to get hauled off to prison. But hey, I'm here now, and that means we can get back to business as usual ya lummox!"

"I should have went with you Eddy!" Ed cried, smearing some mucus onto Eddy's jacket, much to his and Double-D's displeasure. "But Sarah made sure I was only fined one thousand dollars! She wouldn't let me come and see you!"

"Huh, that explains why you never came to visit," Eddy said before wiping some tears off Ed's dirty yellow face. "Anyway, trust me Ed, you didn't miss much. I was fine, it's all good you stayed back here. You wouldn't want June and May to be without you, would ya?"

Ed sniffled, absorbing some tears and snot back into his system like a vacuum cleaner. "May takes care of June really well, but without Ed, our spawn could enact a class six apocalypse on a planetary scale!"

"I still have flashbacks of witnessing the aftermath of the Great Kanker Hissy Fit," Double-D remembered, shivering at the thought of the red skies covering a ravaged cul-de-sac. "All that senseless destruction over a ship-in-a-bottle, why just think of the ruination June is capable of with the Kanker's genes for chaos, combined with Ed's raw power."

"We all know she's a tykebomb from hell Double-D, duh," Eddy pointed out as he nudged Ed off of his now drenched chest. "Anyway, I'm not mad at ya Ed, at least not anymore, honest! Come on fellas, let's do something cool today. Dick around at the creek, blow shit up at the junkyard, kick some ass downtown, hell I'm fucking game for pretty much everything!"

"Not so fast mister!" Opening the door was none other than a freshly-woken up May Kanker. She was wearing a ragged red hooded sweatshirt, a pair of stained gray sweatpants, and some socks ridden with holes. Her blond hair was very frizzy and puffy, thanks to not combing it yet today. "What's with all the commotion—oh hi Eddy, outta prison already?"

"Sup May," he shot back at her. "I'm gonna be stealing your man today. Don't worry, we ain't gonna pull anything funny gettin' us arrested again."

"Ya you better fuckin' not Eddy!" she screamed at him, blowing the hair on his head backyards. "I don't wanna have to bail my hubby out of jail again! Do you know the hell you-"

"Yeah yeah yeah, I already heard June flip shit on me for all the trouble I've caused," Eddy cut her off, making May scowl as he turned his attention to Ed. "So what do you say burhead, let's vamoose and let Peach Creek know that Eddy's back baby!"

"Oh oh oh, I know what our first crusading quest shall be!" Ed declared, pointing an arm towards the sky as he embraced his wife. "We should help Jonny finishing moving all of Eddy's stuff!"

"Say what?"

"Jonny's been gathering your belongings ever since your imprisonment in Tartarus!" Ed explained before pointing at Eddy's house. "Look, there he is right now! Hi-ya Jonny!"

The cameraman recording this scene turned his attention towards an African-American man looting some of Eddy's possessions that his brother threw on the front yard last night. He was carrying a grayish-brown piece of wood with a crudely-drawn face that seemed freshly furnished in one hand, and an oversized garbage bag in the other he crammed Eddy's paraphernalia into. Double-D could only moan at the sight of this, while Eddy cracked his knuckles with anticipation of busting Jonny's head in. "My, what a wonderful start to our day," Double-D sarcastically commented.

"I think it's time I give Jonny a little wake-up call," Eddy said as he marched over towards him, until the camera chumps blocked his path. "Hey, what gives? Oh, you guys prolly wanna interview May, huh? Alright fine, but make it quick before Jonny nabs all my stuff!"

As his Double-D and Eddy waited outside, May pulled Ed aside, giving her husband a passionate lip-locking kiss. After releasing him from her grasp, she reminded Ed, "I'll cook up your favorite: buttered toast and gravy—if you come back in one piece tonight porkchop!"

"Yum! No problem May, I cannot miss out on the hottest chicken in the whole universe cooking up Ed's most sacred meal!" He licked the salvia off his lips before scuttling along off to hang out with his two best friends today as May blushed before shutting the door, with the camera crew following her inside.

* * *

**Interview: May Kanker - Age 31, Stay-at-home Mom**

May continued having her face grow red as the camera zoomed in on her. "O-Oh! You guys wanna talk to me?" She gave them a toothy smile and put a hand on her cheek as she shyly turned away. "Well, gosh, I dunno what to say, I'm-"

"Hi! I'm June!" June suddenly popped into view waving at the camera.

"Junebug, the cameraman said he wanted to talk to-" May started as she dropped the shy act and developed a slight scowl.

"You watch me move, I watch you squirm like a worm!" Making one of the worst decisions in his life, the cameraman focused the shot to show more of June who quickly approached him.

"June! Do you have tatertots in your ears-" May reached out to grab June, but it was too late.

Suddenly June grabbed hold of the cameraman's ankle, who dropped the camera onto the floor as the little monster swung him around like a flail. June giggled like a gremlin while the camera schmuck was barely able to contain himself from screaming his lungs out.

Needless to say, May was freaking out. "JUNIPER DESDEMONA RIDLEY PENELOPE KANKER! YOU PUT THAT POOR MAN DOWN NOW AND STOP RUINING MY SCREEN TIME!"

* * *

After a moment of a test card buzzing, the camera turned back on to record May sitting down on the couch with a controller in her hands. June was sitting next to her with a giant cookie in her hands, slowly eating. "I'm really sorry camera guys—Juney here's got my man's super strength, and she gets riled up sometimes. Trying to keep her under control is a full time job!"

May had paused the game and handed the controller to June, who finished eating the cookie she had. Her daughter resumed playing, and started to speak into the headset and would talk as any child would over an online game. "What the hell, did you just call me a fucking 'gamer girl?' Listen, I don't give a fuck who you are or where you live, I'm gonna bring your shitty life to a hellish end, 'gamer boy.' I'll put you in so much fucking pain that it'll make Jesus Christ being nailed to the fucking cross at Golgotha look like a fucking beach day in Fiji. I don't give a fuck-"

Tugging the controller and headset away from June, which she let out a cry of, "Mom!" at, May pulled the hood over her head and told the camera, "This is really all Sarah's fault. June loves her auntie to death, and well, sometimes she picks up on some uh… not so nice quirks from her, what with her being a deputy and all."

"But mom, auntie Sarah is the best!" June protested, folding her arms. "She let me play with her taser on daddy and there were lots of pretty lights!"

"And mommy had to bust out the defibrillator so your daddy didn't croak!" May exclaimed before letting out a sigh. She continued playing the video game, telling the camera chodes, "Before you guys get any ideas, I wanna say that I don't play these games for money or fame. Heck, I tried to stream one time but the game ran like a turtle and I looked all blurry on the footage. This is just a hobby I do to have fun killing my spare time. I don't know what that says about me."

"It makes you a homemaker, mommy." June told her. "You're great at cleaning up after my messes!"

May smiled at her daughter. "Thank you Junebug."

* * *

After concluding their interview with May and her and Ed's daughter June, the camera crew followed the Eds as they made their way towards Eddy's house. It was there they saw Jonny putting Eddy's belongings into a large plastic garbage bag he carried with him. He seemed blissfully unaware of the film crew's presence until he looked at them and said, "Oh hey guys! What's the camera for, are ya making a movie?"

Jonny was now slightly taller than Ed, but had some more bulk to him, although nowhere on the level of Eddy's muscle. He had grown his hair out enough to be braided in dreads now, which he kept under a red paisley patterned bandana wrapped around his head. Besides that Jonny also wore some black-rimmed glasses now, a green Dashiki-style tank top, blue nylon athletic shorts, and a pair of geta on his feet. Of course, he still had his lifelong partner Plank with him, much to the disconcertment of others.

Eddy soon came into view, charging at Jonny like a bull seething at a shaking cape. The camera zoomed in on him as his face went from pink to ruby-red with rage. "JONNY!" Eddy screamed loud enough that it would warrant a citation for disturbing the peace. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL MY STUFF?"

"OH SHIT!" Jonny dropped a rolled-up poster of _Tom Jones_ he was holding and began to run like a pronghorn on the plains. "FUCK, PLANK DIDN'T TELL ME WHEN YOU WERE GETTING OUT OF PRISON EDDY!"

The two nearly got out of view but Eddy made a leap at him. "WHY YOU LITTLE!" Pissed off, Eddy tackled Jonny through his wooden fence. Plank flew out Jonny's hands and landed high up in a tree, and Eddy's goods were scattered while the two were covered in splinters and sawdust.

"Sorry Eddy, we didn't know this was your stuff!" Jonny pleaded as Eddy held him down with one arm.

"BULLSHIT, WHO ELSE HAS ALL THIS COOL SHIT BESIDES ME?" Eddy raised his other arm in the air as he was ready to pulverize him into the dirt.

"Your brother said we could take any of it!" Eddy's eyes widened as he put his basketball-sized hand down, piquing his interest. "He throws shit out on your yard all the time Eddy!"

Getting off of Jonny, Eddy pulled him up as he looked around. Most of his stuff that went flying out of the bag was littered everywhere on his yard and parts of the pavement. He couldn't help but look disgusted at Jonny still, but bringing up his brother made him delay the ass-whooping he was about to dish out. "Is the rest of the shit mine?"

"Plank can show you, come on!" Jonny lead the way to his house across the street. Annoyed, Eddy and the camera goofs began to follow, with a carefree Ed and cautious Double-D by his side.

* * *

Over at Jonny's house, the camera tards began to set up around the garage that Jonny was about to open up. Eddy had his arms folded, while Double-D was bracing himself for a potential shitstorm. Ed however was jumping up and down, hyped for whatever was inside.

"This better be good Jonny," Eddy warned.

"Please don't go back to prison over him, Eddy," Double-D begged, not wanting the situation to escalate again.

"Oh trust me, I've talked to a few killers while I was in the clink," Eddy informed him. "I know what's a good place to hide a body or not, ha ha!"

"My sponges are so jealous," Ed quipped, only to be tuned-out and ignored.

"Alright fellas, look at this far-out haul!" Lifting up the garage door, its contents revealed a stash containing several of Eddy's personal possessions. From his king-sized circular bed, to his funky purple spotted chair, tension pole lamp, and more, Eddy's jaw-dropped upon seeing all of his goods stockpiled in Jonny's garage. "See, Plank knew you'd like it Eddy!"

"Jonny, have you been collecting all my stuff since I was in prison?" Eddy wondered, gazing upon all of this stuff again. After seeing it again for the first time in eighteen months, Eddy was more than thrilled and was almost tempted to dive bomb into it, although even he had to restrain himself from that, least he broke some vinyl records. "I gotta say, thanks for keeping it away from the elements."

"It was either that or let hobos purloin it!" Jonny exclaimed as Eddy was about to start grabbing some of his stuff, only to get in his way. "Hold up, Plank said we can make a fortune off this!"

"A fortune?" Confused, Eddy ripped Plank out of Jonny's hands and pressed his face against the old wooden board. "What do you mean by 'a fortune?' My shit's gold, but I ain't selling it!"

"Plank says it's a free country, and that it was ripe for the taking!" The more Jonny kept talking, the tighter Eddy's grip on Plank got. "It was his idea! He said that if we took all this stuff like your records and vintage clothes and shit, we could sell them all online and make a profit!"

"Oh, so it was Plank's idea to put all my shit up for auction, huh?"

"Darn tootin' it was! Plank had me do all the collecting, and he handles all the selling and shipping. He's even letting me split it thirty/forty, whatever that means!"

"I'll take this for two nickels!" Ed yelled, holding up a can opener.

"That's not for sale Ed, none of my shit is!" Eddy screeched back, taking the can opener from Ed's greasy hands. "How much of my stuff has this future pile of mulch sold over the internet?"

"Nothing yet, but Plank says it could be any day now!" Jonny answered. "He's got a line of bidders duking it out for the goods as we speak!"

"JONNY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Enraged, Eddy shoved Plank through the drywall ceiling of Jonny's garage, causing him to back away until Eddy cornered him. "GIVE ME ONE GOOD FUCKING REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T PUT YOUR HEAD THROUGH A FUCKING WALL RIGHT NOW!

Sweating like he was in the Sahara desert, Jonny let out a nervous smile. "Uh… I'll give you twenty percent of the margins?"

Grasping Jonny's big head, Eddy slammed him through the wall of his house, his cranium now lodged within the wall's interior. Jonny tried to slither out, but his head was firmly stuck between some studs and electrical wires now, and there was no getting out. "I swear to God, I've met fucking cats and dogs smarter than you Jonny. Dumbass…"

"Oh my…" Double-D couldn't help but stare at the muscles on Eddy's arms as they were glossy and bulging after his assault on Jonny. He squeezed his legs together to contain himself.

"Too cool, now Jonny's in the wall like we were back in season three!" Ed pointed out, leaning up against the garage wall. "Ah, those were the days."

"What third season?" Eddy whipped around and asked, pointing at the camera schlemps. "You worthless trashhumpers better not be following me around for three fucking seasons!"

"So gentlemen," Double-D chimed in, getting Ed and Eddy's attention. "Now that Jonny's incapitated, are you feeling better about yourself, Eddy?"

"Damn right I fucking am Sockhead!" Eddy yowled, flexing his arms and stretching after having rammed Jonny's head through a wall like it was nothing. Then as Ed flicked the lightswitch on in the garage, an idea formulated in Eddy's head. "Say, didn't Jonny only take all my shit because my brother threw it to the curb?"

Gulping, Double-D trembled as he knew what was inevitably coming next, and he could not deny it. "S-S-Say no m-more Eddy. I'll get my car started."

"Cool beans, let's leave Jonny here to think about what he's done while we go pay my brother a visit." He accompanied Double-D as they left Jonny's property, while Ed was spinning some of Eddy's old records on his head. "Hey monobrow, get your ass moving, pronto!"

"Coming Eddy!" Ed yelled back, placing the record on top of a lava lamp as he shut the garage door. Then he followed behind his two friends, running and laughing. "My stint as a DJ was short lived."

"But Eddy, what about all your stuff?" Double-D asked.

"Leave it for now," Eddy replied as they made their way. "Ain't like I got anywhere to put it all."

* * *

**Interview: Jonathan "Jonny 2x4" Woods - Age 31, Complete Screw-Up**

"Hudda hudda huuh!" was all the camera crew could comprehend of Jonny's muffled noises as his head remained stuck in the wall. "Mmmmmmmrrrrrrrpppghhh!"

In order to make sure he could actually be understood, one of the camera goons adjusted the settings on his boom mic, while another one drilled some small holes in the wall. One of the holes was just big enough to lower a microphone into it, while the others were arranged in tiny clumps like a speaker set. After a bit of testing, they could finally understand what Jonny was trying to tell them, no longer incomprehensible thanks to Eddy putting him in this predicament.

"Don't worry about me guys, there's no need to call anyone, especially the fuzz," Jonny informed the camera crew, no longer struggling as he accepted his situation now. "Plank should get me out of here in no time!"

Plank dropped from the ceiling and bounced over to a nearby smartphone on Eddy's desk. The piece of wood ended up cracking the screen as he then flopped onto Eddy's office chair. Zooming in on him, Plank gave the camera dicks his poker face: a blue curved line for a smile, and some big red eyes that looked into lens soullessly. Getting some strange vibes from the hunk of lumber, the camera crew slowly began making their exit, running off to their van to follow wherever Double-D was taking Ed and Eddy.

"Good job Plank!" Jonny complimented his one and only true friend. "Now hurry and get me out of here buddy! I think I can feel the cockroaches crawling!"

**Half an Hour Later**

After driving for awhile on the outskirts of town, the Eds and the camera cumheads reached Peach Creek's local used car dealership: McGee's Motors. Several different automobiles were parked on the blacktop and grass. They were well organized—categorized by brand, type, quality, and price—clearly taken care of by someone who cared. As the Eds entered a successful sale also just occurred, as a secondhand pick-up drove off the lot with a grinning driver inside.

This didn't mean anything to Eddy, who exited Double-D's car as the Eds made their way into the main building. "HEY BRO YOU FUCKING GRIFTER!" Eddy roared throughout the office, alarming some customers inside. "FIRST MY HOUSE, NOW MY FUCKING BUSINESS! IF I WEREN'T ON PAROLE, I'D FUCKING PULVERIZE YOU INTO CARNIE CRUMBS!"

"Eddy please, you're making a scene!" Double-D implored. He didn't want him going back to prison so soon, but it wouldn't surprise him at this rate.

"I've seen this—been there—done that," Ed blabbered, taking a seat in the waiting lounge. "As your dad always said Eddy: "Fuck me, a tough customer!"

"SHUT UP ED, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON A WARPATH HERE!" Eddy stood on top of a desk, scaring some customers out of the building. "SHOW YOURSELF YOU FUCKING COWARD!"

"Can it Eddy, he ain't here right now." Stepping outside an auto body shop connected to McGee's Motors was a longtime acquaintance of the Ed's: Kevin. He was outfitted in a dark green mechanic's jumpsuit, and had splotches of oil all over. His orange hair was buzzed as it had always been, and although he was only one inch shorter than Ed, he had a far more athletic body than him. However, while on Kevin's left foot he had a steel-toed boot on, his right foot was prosthetic. The fake limb went over his right knee—it was composed of strong, expensive plastic and metal—so this made it suitable for working on vehicles all day.

"Care for some relief from the war effort?" Ed asked, smiling as he dangled a bag of weed in front of him for everyone to see.

Double-D smacked the hash stash out of Ed's hands, much to his sadness."Dude, meet me out back later," Kevin whispered to him, with Ed nickering like a horse in response.

"Oh hey Kevin," Eddy greeted, not expecting to see him here. "You know where he went?"

"Yeah, he's out getting us some burrito bowls from _Joel's Pop Culture Grill_."

"Wait, what do you mean "_us_?" Kevin started waving his finger around Eddy's face, with his cornea following it. "The fuck are you doing? Seeing if I'm drunk or something?"

"Checkin' if you're blind, but I see you're just stupid now." Kevin pointed around the office at five other people: another mechanic working in the garage, a receptionist upfront who had her hand touching the phone in fear, and three salespeople, all of whom were assisting potential buyers and also assuring them that everything was under control. "We all work for your brother now man."

Eddy was aghast. During his stint in the big house, his brother had completely revamped the place. It wasn't the same McGee's Motors that him and Ed were working at a year and a half ago. The worst part was seeing all the success surrounding him; that stung.

"What gives Kev?" Eddy demanded to know, his voice getting louder again. "How could you work for that fucking douchebag?"

"Look Eddy, I was tight on cash and while you were in the pen, your bro offered me this gig," Kevin explained to him, wishing he had something to smoke right now. "Nothing against you man, but child supp-"

It was only then Kevin noticed the camera crew filming everything from behind one of the offices in the building. He looked paralyzed, as if he was having severe allergic reaction to a stingray. All he could do was lift up both his arms slowly and give the cameraman the double middle finger. His face transformed from being composed to a nasty snarl as Kevin gave a sharp hate glare at them.

Eddy looked behind him to see what made Kevin get so pissed off. Snickering, Eddy couldn't help but give the camera chumps the bird as well despite the tension. "Yeah you got the right idea Kev," Eddy applauded, continuing to flip off the camera.

"What the fuck are they doing here?" Kevin coldly questioned, losing his usual cool demeanor.

"They're supposed to record Eddy on a near twenty-four/seven basis as a part of his post-prison plan," Double-D informed him. "I don't care much for the lack of privacy they give either."

Taking in a deep breath, Kevin stopped showing his middle fingers to the camera and told Eddy sincerely, "Fuck man, sorry."

"Thanks; they sure are a pain the ass." Just then Eddy felt a greasy finger tap him on the shoulder.

"Knock knock pipsqueak." Gradually turning around, Eddy saw that it was none other than Bro. His hands were full of Mexican fast food, which he set down on one of the hardwood office desks. "If it ain't my shitstain little brother. Back from prison and he's already wanting to work again. Dad would be so proud."

Even though he stood a few inches taller and was a lot more jacked-up than his older brother now, Eddy still couldn't help but feel some intimidation. Eddy never liked to back down from a challenge, especially when he had his pride at stake. But when faced with the man who had tormented him throughout all childhood, threw their mom in a nursing home, and now not only took over his house, but his business as well, Eddy couldn't back down. The only thing preventing him from knocking Bro out with one hit was all the witnesses; most especially the receptionist, who was growing eager to dial the police.

"Sir, do you want me to call the cops?" the receptionist asked, her fingers hovering over the phone's keypad with anticipation.

"Relax, me and pipsqueak just need to talk out back, that's all." Bro waltzed out as easily as he came in, with Eddy resentfully following. Ed, Double-D, Kevin, and the camera crew all trailed behind, not that it bothered either of the McGee brothers.

* * *

The five plus the camera chumps were behind McGee's Motors. They were gathered in some hilly woods out back, providing not only height, but cover above the dealership. Gusts of pollen and other seeds were blown around the spring air, causing Ed to repeatedly sneeze. Kevin gave Ed a surgical mask and a Benjamin, and in return Ed handed him the stuffed plastic bag of weed from earlier.

"Green for green makes Kevin less mean!" Ed exclaimed, pocketing the hundred-dollar bill and laughing as he then let out another sneeze.

"Thanks Ed, you might wanna smoke one up too after this shitshow dude," Kevin said as he pulled out some small, thin paper to begin rolling a joint with.

Being around Ed and Kevin's illegal sale and partaking in drugs, combined with the atrocious argument Eddy and his brother were about to get into nearly made Double-D want to take a hit of what Kevin was smoking. Of course, that would make a law-abiding citizen such as himself a hypocrite, and that would shatter his moral integrity and reputation. So all he could do was let out a groan of: "I'm surrounded by idiots," while bracing himself for the worst.

"Okay, let's get started." Bro and Eddy stood only a few feet apart, both having their backs against some sturdy oak trees. The amount of pressure they were generating could be felt in a fifty-foot diameter, and the wind seemed to blow extra harsh around the two brothers. "First off, why'd ya have to make a ruckus like that at my business? Real talk pipsqueak, pop's would not be impressed. Hell my secretary almost called the fucking cops over! Do you want your little deputy girlfriend to put you in prison again?"

"YOUR BUSINESS?" Eddy's loud, angry voice bounced off all the trees, upping its intensity thanks to the sound vibrations. "I WOULDN'T OF HAD TO STORM IN LIKE IT'S FUCKIN' D-DAY IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE OVER THE PLACE!"

Bro merely laughed, making steam blow out of Eddy's ears. "Your business?" he repeated back mockingly. Pointing at a large flashy neon sign out front, he asked his brother, "Can you read to me what that says over there?"

"OF COURSE I CAN FUCKIN' READ, NO THANKS TO YOU!"

"Well then stop yelling like a spaz and tell me what it says then."

"FUCK YOU BRO, YOU KNOW WHAT-"

Fastening off his belt, Bro folded and snapped it harshly, and Eddy quieted down like a beast would when frightened. "I know what it says," he said, whipping the belt against a close by American Holly, stripping the evergreen of its bark. "I want _you_ to tell me what it says."

Grumbling, Eddy looked away as he mumbled, "Ugh… McGee's Motors."

"THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT! IT SAYS MCGEE'S MOTORS, NOT PIPSQUEAK'S PINTOS!" Hearing his brother yell back at him made Eddy recline against the tree even harder. Size, strength, and time served in prison be damned; Bro would always have an edge over Eddy. "Did you forget that this wasn't just your business, but mine too? Fuck, it was dad's! Grandpa helped him build this place from the ground up and he wanted us to have it, and then you lost your part of it by getting thrown in the slammer!"

"STOP BRINGING UP DAD YOU ASSHOLE!" Eddy was hunched over in a protective stance now, one he hadn't had to get into since his first week in prison.

"Nah, fuck you pipsqueak, I ain't done unloading my clip yet." Bro then grabbed some paperwork from his coat pocket and flashed it in Eddy's face. "Remember this dipshit? It's dad's will! You were there gettin' chummy with all those lawyers; you know how dad split things after he died! If one of us couldn't run his business, then the other could step up to the plate and take charge!" Bro then looked over at Double-D, who was spraying himself with deodorant to mask the smell of weed. "Hey you, Eddy's nerd pal. Wanna double-check for me in case I'm wrong?"

Coughing from the smoke given off by Kevin's joint, Double-D rushed over, partially relieved to have an excuse to get away from all that pot. He grabbed the will and analyzed it for a good few minutes. Eddy had his arms folded and was rocking back-and-forth, making it obvious how he felt. Bro could only grin as Double-D's eyes widened while reading all the legal text.

"I'm sorry, but your brother's in the right here Eddy," Double-D admitted, handing the will back to Bro. Eddy's heart sank while Bro chuckled before putting the will away. "However, it also states that should the other brother be capable of working again, then they can partake in any housing or business activities. That is provided they don't kill each other of course."

Before Eddy's heart could sink to the abyss, it was as if he was thrown a rope to climb out of. Bro raised an eyebrow while Eddy ran circles around him ecstatically. "Ha! In your face Bro!" Eddy jumped for joy, pointing and laughing. "Can't fire me like you did with Ed here!"

"I never fired that retard," Bro clarified, pulling out a cigarette. As he began to light it up, he told Eddy, "I just told him he never had to show up to work again."

"Time is money Eddy!" Ed shouted back in a tone similar to Eddy's, laughing as he decided to smoke some kush alongside Kevin.

"Whatever, now give me the keys to my house and the business," Eddy demanded, sticking hand out at Bro's face.

In return, Bro lit the cig, took a deep breath, and then puffed the smoke all over Eddy's hand. "So, you're really that excited to be working for me." Bro tapped the cig on the bark, scattering ashes on the forest grass. "If only our folks could see it now: Bro and Pipsqueak versus the world. And being the older brother, I'm in charge."

"Oh like hell you're running the show!" Eddy proclaimed, leaping into the air at that remark. "You might be older, but I've been in the house and a part of the business way fucking longer than you! Now that's seniority that counts for something!"

"Uh Eddy, I hate to be the bearer of bad news," Double-D interjected, with both McGee brothers staring him down intently. "But according to that will once you were out of the picture, your brother could run the operations. He'd have to step down for you to have full ownership of your house and business again."

Now it was Bro cackling so hard he almost swallowed his cig, hacking away. "I think there's some room in the attic pipsqueak, ha ha ha ha!" He had to toss his cancer stick and stomp on it, having a laughing fit at his younger brother's expense. "Maybe I can have you spit shine all the cars with a toothbrush, ha ha! Oh the ideas of how to fuck with you are endless."

Suddenly something inside Eddy snapped. Any sense of him having freedom was taken away from him in an instant. A part of him knew after going to prison and becoming a felon that he couldn't do as much anymore. But he never expected to have his brother lord over him so hard, all while his friends just stood there like schmucks, no better than the camera crew watching them in his eyes. He was a jester, a walking joke that everyone laughed at for his misery, and shared the tales of his woes with others casually. Eddy could feel his life falling apart before him, imagining himself as nothing more but a slave to the system. That was all anyone could tolerate him as: a quiet, happy slave that never spoke up and perfectly obeyed. Even his friends would prefer him to chill out and "roll with the punches," but Eddy had taken enough ass-whoopings in life. No more.

"THAT'S IT, EVERYONE FUCK OFF NOW!" Showing everyone how much stronger prison had made him, Eddy uprooted the fully mature oak behind him by the trunk with one arm. Roots and dirt were ripped up from the earth as Eddy swung it around carelessly before tossing it over the hill like it was a mere stick. Bro and Double-D had to duck and cover, and the camera crew even backed away as chunks of wood were flying everywhere. Then he turned his attention to Kevin, who was still smoking next to Ed, trying to stay out of this. But Eddy wouldn't have that, marching over towards his nextdoor neighbor with the rage of a demon. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE OKAY WITH WORKING FOR MY BROTHER YOU JACKASS! BUT MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED YA FUCKING JUGHEAD! IF MY BROTHER TOLD YOU TO KILL KIDS LIKE YOU DID IN THE MILITARY, YOU'D DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR IS FUCKING TAKING ORDERS AND SHOOTING THE SHIT OUT OF BROWN PEOPLE!"

Taken aback, Kevin began to twitch. He shook while trying to reach for his joint, only for Eddy to smack it into the sky, sending it flying across the dealership. "Woah, what the fuck Eddy?" A trigger within Kevin was pulled, and dissociation was starting to kick in. Not even the weed could help mitigate the anxiety Eddy afflicted on him. Explosions were constantly going off in his head, and Kevin thought he saw blood puddles and shards of bone sticking out of the ground. Body parts littering the landscape, vehicles on fire, and the screams of the suffering were all pictured in front of Kevin now, and all he could do was yell to the heavens thanks Eddy dragging him back to hell. "MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!" It took Ed and Bro holding Kevin down to prevent him from going apeshit on Eddy and anyone else during his episode.

"EDDY, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!" Double-D screeched at him after seeing Kevin reduced to a state of turmoil. "YOU CANNOT TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON PEOPLE WHO HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SELF-CAUSED PROBLEMS! I DEMAND YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW MISTER!"

"OH NO, FUCK YOU DOUBLE-D YOU HIGH AND MIGHTY ASSHOLE!" Eddy wasn't done unleashing his fury, and causing Kevin to go from zero to one hundred only fueled more fire into his frenzy. "FUCK YOU ED, FUCK YOU KEVIN, AND MOST OF ALL, FUCK YOU BRO! ALL OF YOU FUCK OFF AND KILL YOURSELVES IN HELL!"

"Eddy." Bro didn't often refer to his brother by name, but when he did, it usually wasn't a good sign. Him and Ed struggled restraining Kevin from going ballistic during his psychosis, and now the middle-aged man was genuinely upset. "Get out of here. Take a long walk home, and I'll be there because I have some words for you once Kev calms down."

"FUCK OFF AND DIE IN A DITCH!"

He couldn't be there anymore, and instead of continuing to be worked up, Eddy ran. The camera crew couldn't decide on what to focus on more: Eddy sprinting off in the distance, or watching Ed, Double-D, and Bro try to deal with Kevin's episode. With the camera blurring with its constant back-and-forth on focus, they remembered that it was their job to stalk Eddy, and hustled after him. As Eddy ran down the highway frantically, the camera crew hopped in their black van, knowing that this was only the beginning of more shit to come. Wherever Eddy went they would be there, watching to ensure everyone could see his shitty life unfold.


	3. S1E3: Aw Shit, I'm Fucking Homeless!

**Co-Written by Neo H.B.B Sam**

**Special Thanks to Scary Spikender**

It was finally Saturday and this weekend, Eddy and the camera crew were dining at the _Old World Roadhouse_. The restaurant was reminiscent of a medieval tavern straight from the middle ages. Its exterior was composed of white wattle and daub with some dark oak wooden frames, and the roof was thatched with a blend of straw and water reeds. On the inside, the walls were composed of cobblestone, while the floor, tables, chairs, and counters were made from some well-furnished pine lumber. Overall the atmosphere made a patron feel like they had traveled back in time a good thousand years into the past.

While Eddy was munching down on some raw geoduck prepared as sashimi, the camera chumps couldn't even finish the strange assortments of food left on their plates. "Hey, you gonna finish that?" Eddy asked the camera guy holding the boom mic, who shook his head "no" at him. Shrugging, Eddy took what was left of his stargazy pie and chomped down on it. "Eh, don't sweat it. I didn't like Rolf's cooking for a long time either, but it grows on you after awhile. Trust me, this shit is still better than the slop they fed ya in prison; at least until I came and shook things up."

The camera man stopped trying to eat his mushroom barley soup once an eyeball of indeterminate origins floated to the top. Gazing around at the other customers at the Old World Roadhouse, the camera panned to shots of several businesspeople, hipsters, foreigners, and baby boomers dining at this establishment, all of whom being the restaurant's primary demographics. It baffled the camera mouth-breather that this restaurant was so successful, but figured that it had a niche that worked out well in Peach Creek.

Snapping his fingers, the camera motioned back towards Eddy, whispering, "Psst! The food here can get expensive, but you wanna know how I can afford the grub here?" The cameraman zoomed in on Eddy, who took a bite out of some battered-fried snake on a stick. "Ol' stretch here has this community tab thing for all of us in the cul-de-sac. Then at the end of the month we all pay the whole thing off! What a deal I tell ya!"

Walking up to Eddy was another large and muscular man just like him: Rolf. Although he was a few inches shorter in height than Eddy, but far more shredded. Rolf had rough desaturated brownish-orange skin, with most of it being covered with thick, dark blue hair. The walking shag rug of a man also sported a bushy, yet well-trimmed beard that covered his entire face from the cheeks down. This beast of a man did clothe himself though, wearing a loose-fitting white button-up shirt, a pair of leather suspenders, brown slacks and work boots. He was smiling with his face turned towards Eddy while twirling a butcher's knife around his index finger. "Ho ho ho! It is you, once-incarcerated Ed-boy! With all the orders, Rolf expected his companion bottomless-pit Ed-boy to accompany him, yes!"

"Hey Rolf-boy!" Eddy greeted, chugging down on a pitcher of mulled mead. "Food's amazing as usual! Just put this all on the tab—I'll even cover for these camera dicks this time too."

Rolf let out a hearty laugh. "Oh foolish Ed-boy, you were removed from the community tab following your imprisonment!"

Pausing, Eddy's eyebrow rose. "Say what?"

"Only those who stay in the confines of the suburbia Rolf grew up in can participate in the community tab!" Rolf explained before putting a small slip of paper in front of Eddy that faced down. "You can renew your placement in Rolf's community tab once your residency in the cul-de-sac has exceeded the length of a blue moon."

As Rolf stood there expectantly, Eddy slowly peeked under the slip of paper. His eyes bulging from seeing the price of his dining expense, Eddy quickly slammed his hand over the bill. "Oh, uh... hey Rolf! I just remembered, I left my wallet at Double-D's place! So if ya don't mind-"

The blood-stained cleaver was driven into the table with great force, creating a large crack that nearly split it in two. "Do not lie to me ex-convict Ed-boy," Rolf told him, folding his beefy arms. "Rolf knows that you are a slave to Mammon—now do as you say, 'cough up the dough,' before Rolf has you coughing like a barn cat that swallowed some of Nana's yarn!"

Sweating bullets, Eddy was flabbergasted. Any money he had on his person was spent on that shitty _Ryde_ driver from a few days ago when getting a ride back to Peach Creek from prison. His bank account was still frozen thanks to being imprisoned for a drug-related crime, and any of his credit cards had long-since expired. If he wasn't on parole plus having to deal with Rolf, he'd just dine and dash, but Eddy knew he had to fess up and be honest here. "Look... Rolf, I gotta confess: I can't afford this!"

"Ah, no worries!" Eddy let out a small sigh of relief at hearing this, wiping some of the meat sweats off his forehead. "Hm... if trouble-making Ed-boy cannot pay Rolf in greenbacks, perhaps there's another commodity worth trading for all of the food you've consumed, yes?"

His moxie returned once more, and Eddy proudly stood up while stretching his back to tower over Rolf. "You know, I was the head chef back in the clink," he bragged, pointing his thumb at himself. "Yep, I turned the whole shebang around from the ground up. Take me on as a cook here Rolfy-boy and you'll have to make expansions to keep up with the flocks of customers!"

Laughing at Eddy's face, Rolf slapped his knees before exclaiming, "Rolf does not require your New World cooking ability!" Rolf had to lean against a support beam while having a laughing fit, much to Eddy's chagrin. "What fine culinary meals could you prepare for me felony Ed-boy? Tamales made from processed corn chips and expired ramen packets? Toilet bowl wine? Jack Mack? Ho ho ho! Rolf's abdomen aches with the chortles you create buffoonish Ed-boy!"

Eddy began grinding his teeth, letting out a long grunt at being mocked. He could hear other customers giggling in the background at his expense, and his skin was starting to blush with anger. "WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME THEN?"

"SILENCE!" Rolf ripped the steel meat cleaver out from the table and pointed it directly at him. That shut down Eddy's outburst real quick. "Rolf would like... A POUND OF YOUR-" Rolf cut himself short once he noticed the camera crew recording him. "Who are these kuroko figures and why do they carry those non-soul sucking digital film boxes?"

It was then Eddy thought of a little proposition in order to weasel his way out of this situation. "Say Rolf," Eddy said, putting a hand around the hairy man's shoulders, grinning. "How's about I give you some free advertising?"

* * *

**Cul-De-Sac Boys Season 1 - Episode 3**

**"Aw Shit, I'm Fucking Homeless!"**

* * *

**Interview: Rolf Shepherd - Age 33, Proprietor**

The camera cut to Rolf and his family standing outside of his restaurant. There was overcast in the sky, so the camera chump carrying the LED lighting had to make some adjustments to get better image quality. Over on the sound department's end, the camera chode with the boom mic also had to tinker around to prevent the wind from distorting the audio. Once that was taken care of, the main camera bum counted down with his fingers, letting Rolf know when to begin talking once the recording started.

"Hello, greetings hungry commuters," Rolf spoke into the camera directly. "And welcome to Rolf's Old World Roadhouse! Enrich the culture of your tongue by partaking in the finest cuisine that the Old Country has to offer! Be impressed by our local ingredients, grown and raised straight from Rolf's vast farmland with the help of the family, yes!"

Standing besides Rolf was his wife (her face blurred out by Rolf's request) and his four children.

"Yo what's up baby!" exclaimed his eldest sixteen year old son, Boyd. He was taller than his father, but not quite Eddy's height. Unlike his dad, Boyd was barely muscular, despite being subjected to the same grueling labor Rolf underwent in life. Also differentiating him from his father, Boyd was bald and had very little body hair, much to Rolf's embarrassment. Boyd dressed like a gaudy wannabe gangster, not caring that he was a walking eyesore. He wore an obnoxiously bright blue and pink zip-up jacket, a lime green snapback cap turned to its side, white jeans covered in holes, and a pair of purple sneakers with orange chains around the heels. Needless to say, Boyd did not make Rolf proud.

"Hola, stay for the food, leave with the taste buds having an ass kicked!" hollered Rolf's fifteen year old daughter, Raven. She was easily the most muscular of Rolf's children, sporting a six-pack and well-toned arms. However, she hid her physique under a green plaid button-up, and she wore brown pants, tan-colored furry boots, and a leather belt with a bronze raven skull for the buckle. A checker-patterned black and white bandana was tied in a kerchief style, keeping Raven's long, curly pumpkin-orange hair from getting in her face. Notably, one of her teeth was missing, and Raven had a large diagonal scar across her face. As a result, one could easily tell by her appearance that she took the most after Rolf.

"Eat our sassy food here for a day, and it'll keep the conformists away," said Khaki, Rolf's other fifteen year old daughter, and the younger twin sister to Raven. While she resembled Raven physically, Khaki was taller and thinner than her. Although trying to look unique, Khaki had a darker sense of fashion. Instead of a bandana, Khaki wore a gray, horned iron helmet on her head, which held down her long, curly emerald-green hair that was kept in a ponytail reaching down to her waist. Besides that, Khaki sported a studded leather jacket, a shadowy dress reaching down to her ankles, knee-high boots, and a leather belt with the skull of a barn owl on the buckle. Like Raven, Khaki was also missing a tooth, and had a large diagonal scar covering her face, but going the opposite direction compared to Raven's. Her gloomy and pale-skinned appearance unnerved some, but Rolf loved her all the same regardless.

"Oh yeah," mumbled Sassan, the youngest of Rolf's children at thirteen years old. He took a sloppy bite out of a balut in his hand, getting bits of it on his clothing. "Food's delicious!" Sassan was an obese child, yet also looked the most like Rolf, minus the heavy amounts of hair. His dark blue hair was even in the same style as Rolf's was as a kid. For clothing, Sassan wore a long-sleeve orange undershirt with a red t-shirt that had a single yellow horizontal stripe over it, blue jeans, and some red and cream colored shoes. Yet despite his overweight frame, Rolf thought Sassan had the most potential out of all his kids.

"Now come, venture with Rolf and see how the patrons feast upon the nourishment provided!" Rolf shouted, opening the creaky, yet intrinsically designed wooden door to his restaurant.

The camera cut to a scene of Eddy sitting down by the bar counter on a stool. When one of the camera guys signaled at him, Eddy turned around and said, "Hey, name's Eddy, and I eat out at this joint all the time." He did a little pose, smiling before saying, "I'm a chef myself, and I approve of all the chow here at the Old World Roadhouse! Yep, the grub here's to die for!"

Coming out from some swinging bar doors connected to the kitchen, Rolf appeared carrying a silver serving dome. He placed it in front of Eddy, telling the camera, "For Eddy's longtime loyalty, this lucky son of a gun gets to try Rolf's newest dish!" Eddy beamed hearing this, nearly salivating with anticipation. "Behold, Rolf calls this latest concoction the _Suicide Scorcher_! The rice cultivated by Sassan in the paddy fields, the broccoli grown healthy by Raven, pork raised and slaughtered by Khaki, and topped off with deathly spicy jolokia powder courtesy of Boyd! Truly a fun family project for everyone to love, yes!"

Just being within thirty feet of the Suicide Scorcher let anyone know that this hellish dish lived up to its name. The heat radiated by the ultra spicy meal reached nuclear levels, and some of the wood on the counter top was starting to catch on fire just from being within the vicinity. Eddy could feel the skin on his body starting to melt just from being near it, gulping as his eyes began to water already. "Wow... this looks hot, Rolf," Eddy nervously said, almost liquefying from the infernal temperatures. "That's pretty authentic Rolf. You know how on TV they just use prop food like mashed potatoes for ice cream. But you really went all out here trying to make this look real, like with the fire and shit!"

"Ah Eddy, you doubt the reality that is in front of you, but Rolf is not bluffing," Rolf reassured, much to Eddy's horror. Unlike him, Rolf wasn't feeling any of the heat blasting off the blazing dish. Although his children had to pull out fire extinguishers and buckets of water to put out the fires caused by it. "Now open wide Eddy, and prepare to have your taste buds know what it is like to dine in hell!"

Yanking open Eddy's jaw, Rolf poured the Suicide Scorcher down his throat as if he was a blacksmith filling a mold with metal casting. Instantly it felt like Eddy had just swallowed the sun, only it was a far hotter, excruciating experience than the time Eddy thought he took a bite out of the sun when him, Ed, and Double-D had that strange, cartoony trip as kids once. His body was now beyond red thanks to the insanely high temperatures; it was radiating a glowing atomic white color that could blind someone. Eddy's conniption from the deathly spicy dish made him have a spasm on the floor—flopping about and smashing his body and fists against the now charred wooden floor. Right now it seemed like a million magma-drenched demons from the pits of hell had possessed Eddy all at the same time, and they were gonna make sure he had one hell of a time. To every bystander in the restaurant, it looked like Eddy was an epileptic having the world's worst seizure, only set ablaze, and all they could do was watch his cataclysmic combustion.

This mortifying display lasted for some of the most physically agonizing five minutes of Eddy's life until Rolf snapped his fingers. Raven and Khaki ran out from the kitchen with a cryogenic container filled with liquid nitrogen. The twins then doused the blisteringly cold element all over Eddy's incandescent body, taking a couple of minutes to finally put out the conflagration, finally ending this intense display as Eddy was left smoldering. When the literal trial by fire was over, Eddy's skin and flesh mostly returned to normal, albeit with some gooey, dangling tidbits of flesh and a few burn marks.

Leaning over as if to check-up on him, Rolf whispered into Eddy's ear, "Now give praise and Rolf shall let this swindling slide." Rolf looked back into the camera, and to his several patrons, who continued to gaze in terror at this traumatic event. "So, how was Rolf's avant-garde dish, bigmouth Eddy?"

"It makes me shed tears of joy..." That was a bold-faced lie. Eddy's tears were not of happiness, but of insanely high levels of pain and sadness.

"Ho ho ho! Rolf is most grateful at the well-received reception!" The looks on the faces of Rolf's patrons shifted from being horrified to sudden indulgence as they began to cheer. "Many dishes like this and more are available here at Rolf's Old World Roadhouse! So come, forsaken your tastes of the contemporary and engross yourself in the many wondrous dishes the Old Country has to offer!"

The waitstaff began to find themselves overwhelmed once Rolf finished the demonstration of his newest dish. Several hungry customers couldn't help but order the most unusual of meals, screaming and hollering as Rolf's eyes turned into dollar signs. Eddy, still lying on floor, continued to suffer from the spiciness of the Suicide Scorcher. He couldn't help but pass out from the throbbing thermal heat of that damned dish, as the cameras zoomed in on him entering unconsciousness.

* * *

Two hours later, Eddy was walking back into the cul-de-sac towards Double-D's house. It was already three in the afternoon, and it took Eddy awhile to recover from that stupidly spicy meal at the Old World Roadhouse, plus the walk back. The camera crew were such dicks to him. They'd drive in their dark-colored van, following Eddy on his trek back to Rethink Avenue, but wouldn't even give him a lift despite the perdition he went through earlier. He was only three days into being stalked by these creeps, but Eddy was already used to their persistence and apathy; they acted as the ultimate silent, yet dedicated observers. Like a knight in sour-green armor, Eddy would grunt and complain, but still march forward, no matter the suffering he had to endure.

Opening up the door to Double-D's house, Eddy tossed his shoes off by the entryway inside before making his way to the couch. He flopped on it, almost breaking the legs thanks to his large frame. The small shockwave Eddy generated by carelessly body slamming the couch alerted Double-D that he was home now.

The scrawny professor sighed and stopped doing the dishes as he turned towards Eddy, trying to keep eye contact. "I see you're back already," Double-D acknowledged, sitting down on a chair right next to Eddy. Taking in a deep breath, he sighed before uttering, "Eddy, we need to talk."

Eddy folded his arms, his biceps tight as he rolled over on the couch, stuffing his face within the pillows and cushions. "Can't it wait? I was fuckin' roasted today and I just wanna relax now, okay Sockhead?"

"I understand you're upset Eddy, but so am I and I can't contain it anymore." Eddy peeked over, scowling as he lied down. "You and your privacy-interfering camera crew have been staying in my house for the past three days... and quite frankly I'm not comfortable with it anymore! I know I said you can stay as long as you need, but I never imagined your beguiling machismo being this much of an issue Eddy. Seeing you here everyday with these invasive ignoramuses who don't know the meaning of the phrase 'knock first' is starting to take a toll on my mental health, and I'm already overstressed with setting up everything for next semester."

Rolling towards Double-D, Eddy sat-up and exclaimed, "Oh come on Double-D, you know I don't have any control over these cocksuckers!"

"I know, but it's not just them Eddy: it's you. Ever since your return from prison you've been wreaking havoc around town like an absolute maniac! For goodness' sake Eddy, I was informed by an associate of mine in one of my messaging groups that you somehow started a fire in Rolf's restaurant! And on top of all that, you still haven't apologized to Kevin!"

"Okay, first off I didn't start that fire! Rolf did by force-feeding me the fucking sun!" Eddy defended himself, now standing. "Second, what the fuck am I supposed to apologize to shovel chin for?

"For triggering that traumatic episode with your completely inappropriate verbal assault you unleashed on him yesterday at the dealership!"

"Why the fuck do I gotta apologize for that?" Eddy insensitively asked, making Double-D seethe. "I was just saying how things are after all that bullshit my Bro dished out at me!"

"You went over-the-line with how you reacted to that Eddy!" Double-D began to stand up too, not caring that Eddy was towering over him with his immense size. "The way you behaved was unacceptable and you projected all of your personal problems on an innocent bystander because you needed an outlet for your frustrations!"

"Innocent bystander my ass, Kevin was a fucking devil dog!"

The scrawny sockhatted man banged his fist on the counter, gaining the attention of his ex-con friend. He winced a bit from the pain, but lifted his head up and growled, "What in the Sam Hill is making you act so pig-headed and delusional about this? Good Lord, Kevin wasn't even infantry—he was a marine mechanic! The only time he probably even used a rifle was during his basic training for Pete's sake!" Double-D's face was starting to grow a shade of red that could have almost rivaled Eddy's from earlier when he had to eat the Suicide Scorcher.

"Whoa Double-D, you're starting to lose your shit here!" Eddy retorted in a poor attempt of dismissing Double-D's claims. "You better calm the fuck down bud!"

It was at that point Double-D had to restrain himself from going berserk and physically attacking his friend. Yelling, "DO NOT GASLIGHT ME EDDY!" with a ferocious uproar, both men started to shake. Double-D clenched his eyes and fists before regaining his composure, continuing his speech with, "You should realize that during your stay in prison Kevin was down on his luck! Can you not see how Kevin's life isn't exactly glamourous? Look at the guy: he still lives with his father, suffers from PTSD, has a prosthetic leg, and on top of that is paying child support for a kid he only gets to see sparsely throughout the year! You're not the only one going through a rough patch Eddy!"

Coughing and rubbing his throat, Eddy obstinately replied with, "Why the fuck are you defending Kevin after he's been such a fucking asshole?" It almost shocked Double-D with the state of denial his lifelong friend was in. "Do you wanna kiss his dick or something? He betrayed me for my Bro, you know, the one that's always fucking over my life!"

"What is your problem Eddy?" As a pacifist Double-D abhorred violence, but right now he wanted to strangle Eddy for his unyielding demeanor. "I can't stand this anymore! I know fully well your older brother is a miserable example of a human being, and I know his methods of fraternity warped your head when you were a child. But until recently he's been out of your life for over twenty years! You can't keep blaming him for everything that goes wrong in your life! Eddy, you have to accept at least the bare _minimum _of responsibility for yourself! Can you please do that little bit for me?"

"I ain't 're-spawn-sin-abel' for jackshit Double-D," Eddy adamantly said, not backing down as he flopped back on the couch. One of the legs actually broke off when he did this, causing the once perfectly in-tact piece of furniture to become wobbly wreckage. "Now fuck off, I need some sleep after all this horseshit everyone's putting me through."

Double-D lowered his head in defeat, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He gritted his teeth as he mumbled his next words: "Get out."

"What?"

"Did I stutter?" Double-D tensely grabbed his smartphone, holding it out for Eddy to see. "I am going to dial 911 and have the police hunt you down if you do not leave the vicinity this instant!"

"Stop fucking around Double-D, now put that away and let's-"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"

Only after pushing Double-D to his limits did Eddy realize he was serious. "Alright, I get it, sheesh." Shrugging, Eddy walked over to the door and slipped his shoes back on. He turned around at Double-D, who was juddering worse than a jackhammer and had one of the most aggrieved facial expressions Eddy had ever seen. Letting out a meek sigh, Eddy pushed a cameraman aside, telling him, "Move it you dickless frogfucker! It's your fault I'm getting kicked out in the first place!" With that said, Eddy slammed the door shut and began to wander around the cul-de-sac, not looking back at his friend's abode.

One of the camera chodes following Eddy did look back however. He captured footage from the window of Double-D letting out a dreadful wail. Zooming in, the camera creep recorded Double-D hysterically sobbing in his living room while quavering with sorrow. It was only when he heard a snap from Eddy's fingers that he turned his attention away from Double-D and back to Eddy. The camera schmuck really wanted to get a longer shot of Double-D's breakdown, but ultimately had no choice but to follow Eddy wherever he went.

* * *

"This is some real bullshit, and it's all your fault you fucking space invaders!" Eddy exclaimed at the camera crew as he walked around the cul-de-sac. "If it was just me there I could've schmoozed things over with Double-D but _no_, you assholes just had to be there."

One of the camera cocks motioned over at the other to signal a message. Using sign language, he relayed over to do some editing on what Eddy had just said in post-production to emphasize on how stupid he was being right now. Nodding, the camera crew carried on following Eddy around the cul-de-sac. At first they were going in circles, literally, as Eddy couldn't decide what to do. Eventually after fifteen minutes passed, with Eddy having lapped the cul-de-sac at least a dozen times in the process, he finally decided on where he was going to go: Ed's house.

"Double-D may have cast me aside like a used jizz rag, but Ed's different," Eddy proclaimed to the camera crew as they marched towards Ed's yard. "Sure he's dumb, but he's also quite loyal. Hopefully Sarah isn't an issue. I mean, we're still together but it's complicated right now. Maybe I can work that out with her soon or something."

Approaching the front door, Eddy knocked and waited. He heard heavy footsteps from the other side, perking up a bit until opening the door wasn't Ed, but his daughter June instead. She had her arms folded when she saw Eddy and the camera crew outside, shooting them a hateful glare. "Why are you here fuckwad?" June asked, scowling at Eddy.

Eddy rubbed his forehead and groaned. She didn't always despise him like this, but once Eddy went to prison things changed. He knew earning her approval was crucial, but Eddy also found it obnoxious to deal with June as a barrier to Ed and Sarah. Sighing, Eddy said, "Hey June, I'm not here to cause any trouble." The look on June's face didn't change in the slightest, which bothered him. "Can I talk to your old man? Your mom? Sarah? Anyone?"

"Dad's busy growin' downstairs, mom's been streaming _Soulsborne_ for ten hours staight, and auntie Sarah's on patrol," June informed Eddy, looking him directly in the eye. "They're actually working like real grown-ass adults. What about you, what the fuck are you doing?"

Swallowing his pride as he forced a fake smile, Eddy began to explain, saying, "Look, uh… these camera jerks were getting to be a bit too much for Double-D and-"

"You made uncle Double-D mad too? What is fucking wrong with you?"

"Hey, I didn't do a fucking thing you brat!" Eddy then realized he was losing his temper at the hellspawn of Ed and May. It was difficult keeping his anger in-check, but knowing that he was dealing with a being of chaos helped him remember to not step out of line too much. "Wait, shit, sorry June, I didn't mean that last part! Grown-up life is hard ya know. I just wanna stay here with your family for a while, please!"

June glared at Eddy with flame-coated daggers in her eyes. She pounded her fists together so hard it generated a shockwave. "They might want you around, but I don't."

The camera crew took that as their cue to take a good couple of steps away before June delivered an earth-splitting punch to Eddy right in his solar plexus. The strike launched him up into the stratosphere, with Eddy screaming as he flew into the sky like a rocket blasting off into space. One of the camera chumps zoomed in on Eddy until he began to make his descent back to the ground. With the impact of a meteor, Eddy crashed right outside the cul-de-sac, creating a sonic boom that scattered several chunks of debris around the area.

"You cumguzzlers better not step a foot in here too!" June roared at them, with the camera crew instantly bolting for it. A trail of urine was left in their tracks, terrified at this monster of a girl as they ran like hell to find where Eddy had landed.

* * *

After searching around for roughly half an hour, the camera crew finally located Eddy mangled up in the rusty monkey bars of the neighborhood's playground. Rods of metal were skewered through Eddy's body as he was moaning with agony. It was a true testament to his durability that Eddy wasn't dead after not only that megaton punch he received from June, but also from looking like he just had a bad encounter with _Vlad the Impaler_ on top of it. The sheer amount of blood had to be censored with a pixelated blur on the cameras due to how gruesome this horrific scene looked. Yet Eddy had dealt with worse; having Ed smash a house on top of him as a child, getting plowed by a train when competing with Rolf over an Urban Ranger badge, and even recently having to eat the ultra spicy dish known as the _Suicide Scorher_ for lunch today were just a few examples. Despite losing some of his childhood vigor, Eddy was still abnormally physically resilient, and these otherwise usually lethal injuries were but mere wounds to a man of his ironclad toughness.

Of course, being older Eddy couldn't shrug off the amount of damage he had just endured like he used to. By the time the camera crew got close to him, Eddy couldn't even muster anymore clamor. "That damn fucking kid..." Eddy quietly groaned, trying to disentangle himself from the piece of playground equipment-turned-scrap metal. But lacking the energy, Eddy left himself to linger in this tetanus-inducing death trap for a while longer. "God, why the fuck did Ed have a kid, espeically with that bucktoothed bitch? I swear, me and Double-D should have got him fixed when we had the chance."

The camera chubs decided to scan over the rest of the playground, rightfully figuring that it was some good supplementary footage—much more valuable than recording more of the torture porn known as Eddy's disfigured body at the moment. Even without accounting for the destruction caused by Eddy's catastrophic impact the old playground had seen better days. There was a time when this rendezvous area would be torn apart on a weekly basis, only to be fully repaired within a few days. Everything from the cat poop and grass-covered sandbox, decaying seesaw, and worn-down swing sets looked like they hadn't been given maintenance in over a decade. No one could really blame any taxpayer for not wanting to constantly fund non-stop renovation to the playground after how often it would get obliterated in the past. Now instead of being a nice recreational spot for kids to gather at, the playground was abandoned and neglected. To call this ruined place "forlorn" would be an understatement, even when visited in the middle of a sunny afternoon.

"Just give me a bit guys…" Eddy trailed off, struggling to escape from this metal mess he found himself in. Letting out a sigh, Eddy closed eyes before grumbling, "I have a plan. But first, give me some space you assholes. Shit, get some cloth or something, fuck." One of the camera creeps sprinted off to find a first aid kit as Eddy rested in the remains of the monkey bars to contemplate. There was a lot for Eddy to take in, and he continued to think about his shitty situation. He had the strength to easily power through most physical harm; it was the hits to his mental state that Eddy had to concentrate his willpower on to stay strong in times like these.

* * *

It only took thirty minutes for Eddy to recover from getting gored after his awful crash landing into the monkey bars. Somehow being able to move without any sort of limping, Eddy had his sights set out for a certain someone as he marched right back into the cul-de-sac. The camera crew was starting to tremble as they had a good idea where he was heading.

"You shitstains are some real cocksuckers, you know that right?" Eddy directly asked the camera chumps. The footage was starting to get rather unstable as the camera kept shaking. "Seeing that it's your guys' fault I'm kinda fucked at the moment, I'm gonna see if your boss can hook me up with a place to stay."

Eddy walked up to a two-story house that was of a rosewater color and had a royal blue painted roof. It was situated right in-between Jonny and Jimmy's abodes, and from a glance it was obvious that the house had a more feminine charm compared its next-door neighbors. Ringing the doorbell, Eddy listened to a standard "ding dong" sound go off as the camera crew was quivering, making him smirk at seeing his stalkers appear nervous for once.

"Hold tight, I gotta get something!" a voice hollered from inside. There was a bit of rustling until the front door opened up to reveal Nazz Van Bartonschmeer. She had just finished working out, adorned in athletic attire: a black sweatband, white tank top, and black yoga pants. Her golden-blond hair was kept in a ponytail, although drenched in sweat after exercising. "Eddy, is that you dude?" she asked, gasping from shock and exhaustion. "What are you doing here?"

"Figured I'd stop by and pay a little visit to my favorite lawyer," Eddy schmoozed as Nazz smiled, giving him a hug. He didn't care that his clothes were now soaked with perspiration after coming in contact with Nazz. It had been months since Eddy received any form of affection. He didn't count that quick roadside sex with Sarah a few days ago thanks to how hasty and tense it was. Eddy felt warm inside like he was sitting right next to a fireplace, a feeling that amused him considering that after eating the Sucide Scorcher, heat was one of the last things Eddy wanted to feel for awhile. "Didn't ya know I got out of prison?"

"Of course I did, wasn't it awesome that I got your girlfriend assigned as your parole officer?" There was a look of perplexion on Eddy's face as Nazz led him inside her house. Suddenly Eddy was left with more questions than he intended on asking as he took off his shoes in the entryway. Behind him, the camera crew hesitantly stepped in, getting a nodding approval from Nazz as they did so. "Sorry I didn't come by to welcome you back, I've been swamped with work these days. You're not the only client of mine Eddy, but you are definitely in my top five favorites dude! It's a good thing you caught me on one of my only days off; normally I'm totally killing it at my office downtown."

"No problem, uh… thanks again for all the help Nazz..." Eddy was going to ask if he could stay at her place for awhile, but first he had to inquire about that comment Nazz made earlier. "How the heck did you get Sarah to be my PO?"

"Oh you know, I worked my lawyer magic so you could see each other more," Nazz admitted as they made their way into the living room. Sitting down on some luxury furniture, Nazz went on to tell Eddy, "I hope that wasn't intrusive on your guys' relationship. Is everything going well between you two?"

"It's kinda complicated at the moment…" Eddy grumbled, folding his arms. He could see how Nazz thought it was a good idea, but Eddy couldn't fully blame her for not knowing how much challenges were in their relationship. "I just got out of the clink, and with Sarah being a deputy and all, it's awkward ya know? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to end things with her, but when she gave me a ride back home we had a fight, then fucked, and haven't talked since."

"Ouch… sorry to hear that Eddy," Nazz sympathized, rubbing her elbow while fidgeting a bit. "She's probably angry and confused by all of this too dude. If you want, I can see about getting you a different PO if things with you and Sarah are weird right now."

"Nah, it's fine. I think…" Eddy then gestured to the camera crew, pointing at them with his middle finger smudging the camera lens. "Actually, I came to ask you about something else Nazz. I'm filing a complaint: these pricks kind of spooked Double-D too much and they got me kicked out of his place."

"Wait, you were staying with Double-D?" Nazz was confused, rubbing her chin as she asked, "Wouldn't you rather live at your place?"

"I would if my prick of a big brother wasn't living there!"

Nazz stiffened up at hearing that. She cringed just hearing Eddy's Brother get mentioned, but regained her composure to say, "Oh yeah… sorry dude, I didn't know."

"You didn't know that asshole's been living there for the past few months?"

"Keeping up with your brother's slimeball shit isn't on my to-do list Eddy!" Nazz exclaimed, shifting her voice to a much sterner tone. "If I'm not working my ass off representing my clients, I'm working out hard to maintain this figure! Plus I've been seeing someone while you've been in the slammer, so that's been a nice life-changer."

"Oh, you got yourself a new boyfriend now, good for you," Eddy half-heartedly chided. "What's the guy's name? Must be a big shot to date such a successful go-getter like you."

"Actually, my partner is-"

Interrupting their conversation, the front door to the house swung wide open, sending a blast of air rushing through the halls. "Hey Beverly Hills, I'm back from work!" Barging in was a nearly naked Marie Kanker. All she was wearing was a pair of green panties and covering her chest looked like black X's over her breasts. Marie was more heavyset than Eddy remembered, but still had striking blue hair, now in the style of a long fauxhawk with a pink streak running through it.

"Woah, it can't be…" Eddy was taken aback by Marie making her grand debut at Nazz's place. He remembered a strange fever dream he had long ago about living in the cul-de-sac as an old man, which included a fat Marie. Eddy hoped the rest of that vivid nightmare was not a premonition of events yet to come.

"Strip club's been giving me shitty shifts, so I gotta do some streamin' here tonight." As Marie made her way into the living room, she too was surprised at seeing Eddy and his new figure. "What the fuck, is that Eddy with muscles?"

In turn, Eddy was equal parts befuddled and repulsed by Marie's new figure. "Holy fuck, is that you Marie?" he asked, then turning to Nazz. "You're letting Marie live here?"

Nazz got up and stepped in front of Marie. Not that she could hide Marie, but at least create some space between her and Eddy. "Yeah, well, uh, like I was saying-"

"Oh shit, you're taping that show now?" Marie, noticing the camera crew, hogged up space in front of the lens to shout, "Hey, all you watching, follow my streams on Tremor at-"

"Why the fuck are you letting her live here?" Eddy interjected, cutting off Marie's self-promotional time short. "I thought she was slumming it at Jonny's!"

"Marie, give me five with Eddy." Nazz lightly pushed Marie aside as she scoffed before heading towards the home office. Turning her attention back to Eddy, Nazz went on to state, "As I was gonna say, me and Marie are seeing each other now. No offense, but after dating guys like you, Kevin, and a bunch of other horny ass dudes, I'm just tired of men."

"What the fuck, how the hell does that happen?"

"Oh come on Eddy, it's 2019," Nazz retorted, folding her arms. "Like, even most conservatives don't give a crap about same-sex couples anymore."

"Hold up now, I don't care about that part. I'm not like my old man. It's just that… it's Marie. You know, the girl who's slept with half the town. For fuck's sake, last time I saw her she was banging Jonny for some shit hash!"

"Do you think I'm stupid Eddy?" Eddy took a couple steps back after Nazz's voice grew sharp. "I couldn't just let her live like that! The drugs were one thing but living with that weirdo? I had to give Marie a place to stay for awhile so she could get back on her feet. Then I helped her WeTube, Chirper, and Swiftwire accounts grow so much you wouldn't believe the money Marie rakes in some months. Before I knew it, one night she came back from the strip club and we kind of just clicked. It was weird at first, but now I don't know what I'd do without her."

"Alright, but how the fuck did she get so big? Does she really make that much cash off social media to eat five course meals every night or something?"

"Like you're one to talk." Nazz poked Eddy's gut, only to find it a lot more firm that her partner's flabby folds. Nazz's scowl contrasted greatly from the smirk on Eddy's face after she was proven wrong. "Shit, I didn't think you'd actually get that ripped from prison dude. Anyway, Marie was like totally malnourished, and after a few decent meals she couldn't stop. But enough fat-shaming my girlfriend, you're starting to make me uncomfortable just being here."

"Okay sheesh, I'm sorry," Eddy apologized as he walked down the hall. "I get it, a hunk like myself clashes with you two's lifestyle. But what am I gonna do about these fucking camera cocksuckers on my back? They got me kicked out of Double-D's house and I can't live with Bro! Come on Nazz, you gotta help me out here!"

Nazz followed him towards her front door, shoving Eddy and the camera chumps out of her house. "I kept you from being in prison for ten years. I wish I could do more dude, I really do, but I can only do so much! I'm sorry!" With that, Nazz slammed and locked the door, which pissed Eddy enough to start pounding his fists on it.

"You're just gonna leave me out on the curb tonight?" Eddy's flurry of punches was nearly about to take the door off its hinges, which made one of the camera chodes nearly faint out of fear.

"GO AWAY EDDY OR YOU'RE GONNA START WISHING TO BE PUT BACK IN PRISON AFTER WHAT I CAN DO TO YOU!" Nazz screamed from the inside. The camera crew began fleeing, and Eddy soon joined them in running.

Eddy and the camera cumstains ran to Jonny's yard to escape the wrath of Nazz. There, a distressing realization finally dawned on Eddy. He put his head into his hands and blurted into them, "Aw shit, I'm fucking homeless!"

* * *

It had been two days and Jonny still had his head lodged into the wall of his garage. Eddy and the camera crew approached him, while Plank was giving his usual deadpan expression. Some extra holes appeared in the wall near Jonny's stuck head, created in order to allow Jonny to eat, breath, and talk easier in his current condition. "Hey Jonny old buddy old pal," Eddy greeted, causing Jonny's body to wiggle with excitement. "Double-D kicked me out, mind if I crash at your place for a while?"

"You wanna bunk with me? Awesome come on in and-" Jonny paused for a moment. A few seconds passed and although the camera crew was left confused, Eddy knew that Plank was telling Jonny something, and nothing good either. "What's that, Plank? Oh, Plank says to make like a bee and buzz off Eddy."

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?" Eddy shot Plank a dirty look. This hunk of wood had far more power than it deserved, but Eddy still acknowledged Plank as if it was a real person. As Eddy found out the hard way growing up, Plank was not to be underestimated or disrespected. "Can't you reason with this board?"

"Sorry Eddy, Plank calls the shots around here."

"Well then Plank, make like a fencepost and stay where you are because I'm gonna waltz-on in and make myself at home."

"Plank says if you step one foot into the house, he'll let Sarah know you broke parole for assaulting me." Eddy was dumbfounded—he didn't take this two-by-four to be a snitch. "Boy Plank, isn't that a bit unfair? Eddy just got out of prison and he's being followed around by those creepy camera guys. Can't he at least keep us company here in the garage?"

"Pssh, like Sarah gives a rat's ass about you Jonny. She might like fucking me over, but she hates your guts."

"Plank says he knows what's in your disco ball, Eddy."

The camera zoomed in on Eddy's face to capture him looking mortified at the piece of wood. Slowly he turned around and began to shiver like he was caught in a bad blizzard. Leaving Jonny and Plank behind, the camera crew continued to stalk Eddy wherever he went.

As he found himself wandering around Rethink Avenue once more, Eddy glanced at Rolf's house. Remembering the incident at the Old World Roadhouse earlier, Eddy quickly decided that Rolf wasn't someone he wanted to live with. That and Eddy also thought of the time he, Ed and Double-D crashed Rolf's place for a few days when they were kids, which ended very poorly for them. Besides that option was Jimmy, who Eddy forgot had moved out of the cul-de-sac over a decade ago, now residing in the city. Barely anyone heard from Jimmy anymore; the man could make all the time in the world to post his most recent status on social media, but couldn't be bothered to talk to any of his old neighbors. Even Sarah hadn't talked to Jimmy in ages.

With all of his other options eliminated, Eddy had to get desperate and knew there was only one other person in the cul-de-sac he could turn to: Kevin.

* * *

Tightening the spokes with a torque wrench, Kevin was working on a motorcycle in his garage when Eddy and the camera clit-lickers came by. He set down his tools and folded his arms, getting defensive as they approached.

"Hey um, Kevin…"

Kevin didn't bother looking up. Instantly he pulled Eddy inside and yanked the garage door down. Frantically, the camera crew scrambled after being blocked from filming Eddy. One of them had the bright idea to move over to the side, where the camera chumps began to set up shop. Now they began recording from a cracked side window, and one of them threaded a wire microphone through a hole in the wall. With their audio and filming problems resolved, they continued recording, albeit at a lower resolution.

They caught Kevin and Eddy leaning against a wall in mid-conversation. "—fuck those camera guys man, they give me the creeps," Kevin was saying.

"Finally, someone else who hates those dickheads!" Eddy perked up before clearing his throat. "Listen Kev, I need to say-"

"Double-D kicked you out, right?"

"The fuck? I mean uh, how'd you know?"

"He called me earlier, then I heard you shout about being fucking homeless. Shit, you're loud as hell man. I'm surprised Sarah isn't here telling you to shut up for a noise complaint."

Eddy groaned. Of course Sockhead would vent to Kevin about that. "Okay, yeah, and-"

"My dad doesn't want you staying here."

"Shit Kev, can he tell me that himself or are you his fucking secretary?"

Kevin chuckled a bit. He leaned back and reached into his jacket, pulling out a joint and lighter. "You're free to try and convince him yourself, but he's been drinking, smoking, eating hot wings, and chatting with Filipino camwhores online all day—so he might not be in the best state to negotiate."

"Heh, I forgot your dad has a thing for Asian chicks," Eddy snickered. "Can't blame the guy. Hey, remember the time I hosted that party and your dad came by yelling at me to 'keep it quiet.' Then he goes hitting on this one Korean lady, who turns out to be an undercover cop and he got busted after slapping her ass!"

"Fuck man, I had to bail his ass outta jail the next day," Kevin explained, lighting up his joint. "Then they started dating for a year, until she got sick of him like most babes do. I think her name was Sue or whatever, it don't matter anymore."

"Sarah's mentioned her a few times—both are in law enforcement," Eddy rambled on. "She got Sarah to come to some of her bible studies and stuff."

"She did the same with my old man too, but he never caught on." Kevin took a good puff from his joint and then offered it up to Eddy, who shook his head declining. "Whatever, my point still stands: since you got a record and all man, my dad really couldn't let you stay here. I can try telling him that don't mean squat since I know you won't do anything but he's not really the negotiating type when he thinks it's a bad deal—it's how he got so far in management."

"Holy fuck, your dad's quite the stonewaller here." The aroma of secondhand weed smoke kept Eddy from getting too riled up, combined with already being exhausted from events earlier today. "But look Kev, what I was gonna say-"

"Eddy, I'll be one-hundred percent with ya: if it were up to me, you could crash on the couch. But it's not up to me; my old man owns the house. He pays the bills, he pays the insurance, fuck he even pays for any extra money I need for medical since you can't count on the VA for shit. Sure when I want my own stuff I need to earn the money myself, but at the end of the day I still rely on my dad just like when I did as a kid. Like fuck man, I never thought I'd be this pathetic as an adult. I'm a fucking dork." The air was stiff with silence and pot smoke after that ending comment. Eddy was shaken, and Kevin only continued talking after exhaling, saying, "Oh and on top of being a felon, you and your pals got a record of causing a shit ton of damage and stealing shit. He still remembers the time you Eds tore down our siding after that botched chimney cleaning I was dumb enough to let ya do."

"He's still mad about that?"

"Not as pissed as Jonny's parents are after the time you guys destroyed his house," Kevin brought up. Eddy could only let out an awkward laugh, but also cringed knowing how that debt towards Jonny _still_ wasn't paid off despite twenty years passing. "Still man, if you think my outlook on life's sullen, I ain't got nothin' on the old man. Anything that isn't self-indulgence or seeing my own kid is a drag to him."

"Huh, well fuck me then, looks like I might as well dress up as the fucking devil!" Eddy really wanted Kevin to pass him the joint for a hit, but couldn't risk a future drug test down the road throwing him back in the slammer. "I just can't believe he loves my fucking brother so much when that guy's a million times worse than me!"

"He didn't see you get your ass kicked by Bro and still thinks he's a good guy," Kevin pointed out, taking another puff. "They're only a decade apart and share a lot of the same interests man. It shouldn't be too surprising they get along so well."

"Figures, Bro's good at sweet-talking people with his shit." Grumbling, Eddy realized he needed to shift the topic quickly since just thinking about his brother was enough to ruin his mood. "Listen Kevin, I didn't come here asking if I could crash at your place. I knew that wasn't happening. Look… I'm sorry for being an asshole Kevin, that wasn't cool."

Kevin took a drag on his joint. Exhaling a cloud of Mary Jane upwards, he turned to Eddy asking, "Why'd you do it, dork?"

"Well, I just got pissed off 'cause of Bro-"

"Not that. Why'd ya try to get into bigger drug trades? You could've just sold that weed to me or some other local you could actually trust."

Eddy groaned. He wasn't sure if this was what Kevin thought he was apologizing about. But Eddy figured he needed to come as clean as he could with him. "I was desperate, alright? For fuck's sake Kevin, I listened to _Ed_ about a deal because I needed cash that bad."

"...didn't you take over your dad's business after he… you know?"

"I did, yeah… and I fucked up. I mean, I could sell ya a lemon that'll rail you up the ass with repair costs, but holy fuck managing the entire lot wasnt something I was ready for." Moaning, Eddy placed his hands over his face. "I thought it'd be a cinch, but just because a guy likes money doesn't mean he knows how to manage it! I never went to college, I just figured street-smarts would be enough, or I could get Double-D to help with that shit. But of course Sockhead's always swamped with his college crap, so I was screwed!"

As ashes scattered from the little bit that remained of the joint, Kevin threw it to the ground, stomping it out. "We all have our own lives man," he told Eddy. "When I came back home after getting discharged, all of you were busy doing your own things. I was just glad you could take me on to do shop work at the dealership. But like everything here kept moving forward when I was gone and I was out of the loop. I started feeling like an outsider here even though I've lived in Peach Creek for years. It didn't help none of you even bothered to write or talk to me when I was over in the Middle East, but I get it. You can only care so much about others when you got so much shit on your own plate to deal with. I mean me and Rolf used to be pretty tight, but now I hardly see him anymore because he's so busy with his family and businesses, and he only lives a few houses away from us. Don't get me wrong, we'll still cover each other's backs, but you gotta understand where I'm going with this: we're busy adults now and can't get roped into things like we used to as kids."

Eddy never thought about it until now, but him and Kevin's experiences were similar in a way. Kevin was off in the military and away from Peach Creek for years, while for him he was shipped upstate for awhile doing time. Both returned finding that people didn't really get that negatively impacted by them not being around anymore because as adults, they all had their own personal problems that came first.

"Shit… I get this Kev," Eddy admitted, finally understanding. He never would've imagined it as a kid, but Eddy could feel that he connected with Kevin far better than he ever thought. "If it makes you feel better, none of you guys came to visit or even wrote me a fucking letter. But that's fair, when you came back home I was too busy scrambling to be there for you. I'm sorry for that too Kevin. Fuck, you have no idea how much I wish for things to be simplier."

Kevin could only laugh, slapping his own prosthetic knee at that statement. "You, me, the rest of the cul-de-sac and pretty much every other adult on the planet would love that ya dork." He went into the mini fridge and pulled out a beer, tossing one at Eddy. Grabbing one for himself, Kevin popped open the tab and took a sip. "I've never been one to look on the bright side, so I've been able to handle life okay. But even I wasn't ready for how weird civilian life could be after eight years of service. So I figure you're not really ready to be out of prison yet either huh Eddy? It sounds fucked up, but in a way a hundred-and-forty degree wartorn desert that's covered with jihadists makes more sense to me than dealing with a lot of dumbasses here. You've prolly thought of wanting to go back to the slammer already, haven't ya?"

"Literally the moment I saw Sarah come to pick me up, I tried running back in," Eddy disclosed, taking a gulp out of his beverage. "Guards wouldn't have it though, fired some warning shots at me. At the time I wished they would have shot at me for real. I thought Sarah being my PO would be the worst of it, but shit only got suckier the moment I got back in town! I mean yeah, prison was shit at first, but I got used to it and had some good cred with a lot of cool peeps there. Shit I was even on good terms with half the guards! I had real fucking respect back in prison, but now that I'm a free man again, I don't have any of that anymore."

"I hear that man," Kevin replied, continuing to quaff down his drink. "The service was filled with a lot of cool dudes I'd give another leg for. Yeah there were some dicks who'd only know how to brag and shout, but I enjoyed nearly every minute of it. Until that day I was in a Humvee heading over to another base and a fucking mine in the road went off! I lost it all man." He looked down and let out a deep breath as Eddy hesitantly put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "The ex-wife was there for me, but I had to fuck that all up too."

"Hey, uh… relationships are complicated as fuck! I'm still trying to figure out if me and Sarah are still a thing."

"At least you two haven't got hitched or had a kid together yet," Kevin remarked, pushing Eddy's hand off him. "Take my advice dork: don't even bother with marriage anymore unless you want Sarah to take half your shit and collect child support for a kid you barely get to see."

Eddy let out his first genuine laugh of the day at that dour bit of info. "Don't gotta worry about me Kev; I don't have plans to put a ring on Sarah anytime soon." Chugging down the rest of his beverage, Eddy tossed the can in a nearby bin and told Kevin, "And I always pull out in time so ain't ever having kids. I mean can you imagine how loud me and Sarah's brats would be? It'd make living next to a jet engine look quiet!"

Even Kevin couldn't help but smirk at a rare moment of Eddy using self-deprecation. "I'm glad I can help you see the light, Eddy." He walked over to a tarp covering a vehicle and tore it off, causing Eddy's jaw to drop in amazement at what stood before him: the old retro van. "I've been restoring this hunk of junk for years, and I finally have it ready to hit the road again. Thing's been a personal project of mine to help distract me from some dark thoughts, but I figure you need this a lot more than I do now."

It had been a decade and a half since Eddy had last seen the old retro van. He remembered when him, Ed, and Double-D rescued it from turning into scrap over at the junkyard, and that was when they were sophomores in high school. At the time the Eds thought they could easily restore the van to its former glory, only to find that they lacked the resources, time, money, and skill to do so. He last recalled the retro van being in the possession of Double-D, and never gave much thought about it for several years until now.

"I must be dreaming." Eddy slowly approached the van and placed his hand on the side. The vehicle had a brand new coat of purple paint, and the flame decals running down it looked like they burned brighter than ever before. Even the drop-shaped side window was no longer cracked and cloudy, having been replaced at some point. Peaking on the inside, Eddy found that the interior still resembled a product of the 70's, only refurbished. The floor was covered in a new orange textured carpeting, the old stereo speakers were upgraded to include subwoofers and USB ports, the walls had new fake wooden paneling that mimicked mahogany, and even the waterbed mattress was changed out with a newer, sleeker blue one. With the cobwebs, fungi, used condoms and roaches cleared out as well, Kevin had done an absolutely perfect restoration job on the old retro van.

"Look, I can't house ya here Eddy, but I figure living in a van by the river is better than nothing," Kevin informed him as he grabbed the keys for it. He flinged them at Eddy while telling him, "Real talk: I forgive you for being shitty a couple days ago, but I won't be so forgiving if you get this beauty wrecked. I've put a lot of work into this old ride, so if I see a single scratch on it I'll fucking hang you dork."

"Relax Kev, I'll treat this baby real good," Eddy told him, catching the keys as he stepped into the driver's seat. "I'll prolly just crash at Want*More's parking lot tonight—they let people stay overnight there for free all the time."

"Woah dude, that Want*More's changed since you've been in the bighouse," Kevin apprised as he opened up his garage door again, causing the camera crew to prepare for moving locations soon. "It ain't a nice middle class neighborhood Want*More anymore, it's a _ghetto_ Want*More now ever since some gang from the city made it their turf."

"Fuck 'em, I ain't scared," Eddy boasted. He was about to pull out of the garage, but Kevin stood in front of him, preventing Eddy from making an exit without running Kevin over. "I probably know some of their members from prison, so I should be cool."

"No dude you don't get it!" Kevin hustled over to his work bench and grabbed a crowbar, sliding it over to Eddy through the van's passenger window. "Trust me, it really ain't worth your trouble going to Want*More. You're better off parking the van over by the creek, trust me man."

"And what, get it covered in mud and mosquitos? Hard pass Kevin," Eddy replied as he hid the crowbar under the seat. He appreciated Kevin looking out for him like this, but Eddy was sure he could take care of himself. "Look, if it's bad I'll find something else, okay Kev? So, thanks sweet ride, but I got it from here."

Stepping aside, even Kevin knew it was futile to convince Eddy otherwise, and he'd only learn after seeing Want*More for himself. "Alright, but not a single scratch Eddy or else."

"Works for me, thanks a million again Kevin!" As Eddy started the ignition, the van made some funny sounds before Eddy drove out of the cul-de-sac in it. The camera chomos immediately followed suit, rushing over to their own van in order to pursue Eddy. Now that he was behind the wheel of the retro van, Eddy felt something that he hadn't in awhile as he made his way over to Want*More: a bit of control over his life again.


	4. S1E4: Trailer Parks are Fucking Greasy

**Co-Written by Neo H.B.B Sam**

**Special Thanks to Scary Spikender**

Over at Want*More's depressing parking lot, Eddy was resting in the retro van as the sun was rising over the massive retail store this Sunday morning. The vast stretch of concrete was littered with plastic bags, skidmarks, garbage, chalk outlines of bodies and shopping carts scattered everywhere, with some even lying around in the handicap spots. Most of the vehicles parked in this sketchy area of asphalt were old beaters that had seen better days; so of course Eddy's retro van stood out like an oasis in the desert. Right next to Eddy's sick ride the camera crew had their black van parked beside him. They had already been awake for hours, having set up shop as they filmed the landscape while waiting for Eddy to get up.

Suddenly, a bunch of bottles started crashing into the side of the camera chodes' van. As their base of operations was being assaulted, one of the bottles managed to fly into Eddy's vehicle through an open window. A loud "bonk" could be heard that made the onslaught temporarily stop. As the camera cumbrains began to examine the damage done to their creepmobile, they could hear the backdoors of Eddy's van slam open.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Distraught, Eddy had a noticeable bump on his forehead as he grasped the bottle that rudely woke him up. Outside his mobile abode, Eddy saw a shopping cart filled to the brim with empty bottles right next to a bunch of pale-skinned children. They were all wearing backward caps, had long hair, and every one of them had the most obnoxious brand-named clothing imaginable.

"Get the fuck off our turf bums!" The young hoodrats were armed with bottles, and not the plastic kind either. Somehow these kids had acquired a large amount of glass bottles to vandalize vehicles with, and were prepared to toss some more again, this time aimed at the retro van. "This is Bottle Country bitches!"

Stomping over, Eddy approached the kids and shouted, "WELL YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER SHITSTORM COUNTRY YOU LITTLE SCROTIES!" But in response to Eddy's threat, the kids all pulled out their smartphones and pointed them right at him. "Not this shit!" Eddy covered his face to protect his identity from being revealed in their recordings.

"No cappin' with us, you can't do shit old man!" The Bottle Gang started laughing and throwing bottles again. Trying to hit the retro van, Eddy tanked every bottle tossed his way. Some shards of glass would cut him up good, but Eddy wasn't going to let his van get scratched up by these shitty kids. "Yo, this nigga only kinda bitch made! Give him everything we got!"

While the camera chomos got to a safer position behind the Bottle Gang, Eddy kept getting bombarded by the artillery of glass bottles. "This is bullshit! I can't live like this!" As Eddy complained, some of the bottles missed him and nearly hit the van instead.

"Damn he's so fucking big wallin' off that van with his dirty bulk!" One of the punks commented, getting their buddies to laugh.

Growing infuriated, Eddy saw that he was out of options and no other choice but to resort to one of his most desperate plans.

"THAT'S IT, I AM FUCKING DONE!"

With that, Eddy mustered all of his strength and picked up the van. The punk-ass kids were getting closer as Eddy lifted the vehicle over his head. They thought he was going to chuck the van like a boulder at them, but instead Eddy simply turned around and walked away. Decently impressed by his feat of strength—combined with also running out of ammunition—the Bottle Gang decided to simply record Eddy as he left Want*More's parking lot while he carried two tons of steel and 1970's paraphernalia. Eddy's jacked-up physique glowed and reflected the early morning sunshine off his burly figure as the camera crew began following him in their own van. His thunderous stomps left footprints in the blacktop as Eddy began to trek through downtown, sweating with every step on his way to one of Peach Creek's most disturbing and dangerous locations: Park n' Flush.

* * *

**Cul-De-Sac Boys Season 1 - Episode 4**

**"Trailer Parks are Fucking Greasy"**

* * *

"Fuckin' A, I wish I could afford gas," Eddy complained as he gently set the retro van down. After carrying the retro van over his head for an hour, he situated it between some shrubs in the woods where it would be left undisturbed; save for the occasional woodland critter checking it out of course. The camera crew did the same, having their now busted-up black van parked right next to Eddy's, only they had the misfortune of having it rest in some thorny bushes. Eddy couldn't help but snicker as the camera chumps were clearly agitated as they tried shaking off the bits of bramble that wrapped around them.

With his vehicle tucked away safely within the greenery, Eddy gulped as he hesitantly approached the sliding steel security gate at the entrance of Park n' Flush. A ten foot tall wall made of stone brick lined with straight rows of barbed wire at the top surrounded the entire trailer park. Visually the outer walls gave Eddy flashbacks of the prison he was incarcerated at, only this enclosure was meant to keep people out, not locked in. Cringing, Eddy pressed a button on a nearby buzzer to make his presence aware, and hoped for the best.

Much to Eddy's surprise, the gate slid open within moments. Cautiously walking into Park n' Flush, Eddy thought about how it changed over the past two decades, and not for the better. It felt less like a trailer park and more like a military compound. There was still plenty of mobile homes, clothes lines, plastic flamingo yard ornaments, wrecked cars and other bits of junk lying around, but the addition of several quonset huts, garages, sheds, watchtowers and even a firing range somehow made Park n' Flush feel even more forbidding than it did when Eddy was a kid. He wasn't sure if Kevin would feel more at home here thanks to the trailer park's new aesthetic or get another panic attack, but he pushed that thought aside as Eddy had business to attend to.

In the center of Park n' Flush stood a light blue double story trailer home that rested upon some cinder blocks. Guarding it however was a Grunt, which didn't faze Eddy in the slightest. Grunts were an all biologically male species of grotesque, rubbery humanoids with ghostly-white pale skin covered in blood-red varicose veins, slate-colored hair (if a Grunt had any), and tended to have sickly yellow bulging eyes. These disgusting creatures were largely ignored by humanity for the most part, and whenever these revolting abominations were acknowledged, it usually resulted in them getting assaulted or dragged into some harebrained situation. Eddy always thought Grunts were a myth—often joking that his friend Ed was half-Grunt—until some of these walking tumors arrived in Peach Creek a few years ago to settle down in the trailer park.

Personally, Eddy had nothing against the Grunt race as a whole. In fact, Eddy recalled that a couple of Grunts he encountered back in prison were smarter and better-mannered than most other inmates. But the Grunt that stood in front of him right now was someone Eddy detested: Bing. This Grunt fancied himself as a charming womanizer, having a buzz cut and a bear-mode body type that made Bing one of the most physically imposing Grunts out there.

"Hey Bing, move your jacked-up ass outta the way," Eddy demanded as he glared the Grunt down. The two muscular men were sizing each other up, with both parties unafraid of confrontation.

Like most Grunts, Bing was incapable of human speech. He replied to Eddy with demented-sounding croaks, gargles and lip bubbles before pushing Eddy to the ground.

"Always gotta be the tough guy, huh Bing?" Jumping off the filthy gravel ground, Eddy did a turnabout in the air and landed a heavy-hitting downward punch on Bing's head. A large lump grew out of Bing's cranium as the dazed Grunt collapsed to the ground, landing with a thud loud enough to get every dog barking mad in the trailer park. With Bing knocked out, Eddy brushed the dust off him, commenting, "Dumb fucker, must be going blind to not to see these gains I've made while locked up. Now to ask-"

Narrowly dodging a truck tire that almost rolled into him, Eddy leapt out of the way as two more Grunts came running at him. One of them was Sammy; he was a lean, stocky Grunt with puckered lips and shaggy hair. The other was Tony, who was rather scrawny for a Grunt, always looked up at the sky and had a ponytail. Sammy was armed with a tall magenta-colored Turkish lamp, while Tony wielded a wooden baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

With the Grunts charging towards him, Eddy was going to rush them down until he felt something grabbing his ankle. "What the hell?" Eddy asked, looking down as he saw that the tall and thin Grunt known as Dean was latching onto his legs, having crawled out from the truck tire next to him.

Out of this batch of Grunts, Dean was least intelligent, had a hook nose, and looked like he was permanently constipated. As Dean spouted some whiny gibberish and giggles, Eddy dug into his jacket and pulled out the crowbar Kevin gave him yesterday. Swinging the crowbar like a golf club, Eddy whacked Dean right in his putrid face, sending the Grunt rolling away into a nearby open dog kennel. Some pit bulls then bolted at Dean as their tails wagged with bloodlust, growling as the Grunt began to scream.

As these aggressive canines were mauling Dean for intruding on their territory, Sammy and Tony continued making their way towards Eddy. Parrying a blow from Tony's pointy bat, Eddy jabbed the Grunt in the gut with his crowbar. Tony coughed up some mucus as Eddy smashed the Grunt's chest with the crowbar, causing Tony to fall down and hyperventilate. In retaliation for that brutal attack against his brother, Sammy planted his lamp firmly into the ground and grasped the pole, spinning around it like a stripper glued to a propeller. Growing fed up with their antics, Eddy swung the crowbar inward with both hands, then outward with one. This two-hit attack sent Sammy flying with the first strike, and then the lamp with the second.

Sammy and the lamp crashed into an abandoned sofa resting near the wall of the trailer park. Immediately Sammy checked on the well-being of the lamp, and then started to excessively kiss and hump the inanimate object in public for everyone to unfortunately see. "When's that guy gonna put a ring on it?" Eddy asked himself after seeing this foul act.

While Eddy was distracted another Grunt sneaked around Park n' Flush holding some Morbier cheese. This Grunt was Frank, an average-sized Grunt with shaggy hair and despite looking tweaked out all the time, he was the most serious-minded of the Grunts. He pressed the semi-soft ivory cheese against the nostrils of his defeated brothers and thanks to the cheese's rich and creamy taste—combined with it smelling worse than a wet shitty diaper—the Grunts found themselves invigorated. The Grunts, revitalized and now surging with energy, crept towards Eddy as the five pounded their fists together, beginning to encroach on him.

"BRING IT ON YOU CANCEROUS WARTS!" Eddy yelled at the Grunts, gripping his crowbar with both hands as he was prepared to strike. With his back nearly to the door of the trailer, Eddy started to sweat as he braced for the Grunt onslaught. He felt like a schmuck in one of those B-movies Ed watched all the time as Frank, Bing, Dean, Sammy, and Tony surrounded him. It wasn't the first time Eddy had multiple people wanting to gang up on him; that was a common occurrence for most of his life. But these obscene freaks were so nauseating that Eddy could barely look at the Grunts in their jaundice-ridden eyes without feeling like he'd catch a disease from them.

Just then the door behind Eddy slammed open. Before he could turn around, Eddy was pistol-whipped in the back of the head. The blow was powerful enough to make Eddy black out as he fell over, tumbling onto the trailer park's grody ground. Now the Grunts and the camera crew stepped back as the boss of the trailer park walked out of her abode, carrying a Colt Anaconda that she used to bludgeon Eddy.

"ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU GRIMEY SHITS LET THIS PUNK-ASS IN?" hollered the leader of the Grunts and all of Park n' Flush: Lee Kanker. She stepped on Eddy, driving her heels into his spine as she pressed the barrel of her revolver against Eddy's thick head. As the head honcho of the trailer park Lee wore a thin green bandana wrapped around and parting her curly red hair, a low-cut leopard skin sleeveless shirt with a black leather jacket over it, and a white broomstick skirt with a rose pattern on it that had a gold ring belt latched at her waist. Lee had grown to be one of the most powerful people in all of Peach Creek thanks to her crew, territory, business ventures, and her own raw strength and wit. Few dared to try and contest Lee, and even fewer managed to get away unscathed in any form of interaction with her.

Another Grunt was whistling and fixing up an old washing machine as shit between Eddy, Lee and the other Grunts went down. This Grunt was Perry, and he was a short and hunchbacked Grunt with a receding hairline and the former "Chosen One" of the Grunt race. Perry was once appointed to guide the Grunt race at the Brotherhood of Grunt, which was their race's homeland. However Perry had forsaken his responsibilities twenty-five years ago to live with the human race, causing his brothers to go on a journey to track him down and bring Perry back to the monastery. Since then Perry's brothers too had grown accustomed to the human world, and none of them ever returned to the Brotherhood. This eventually led to the Brotherhood falling, and the Grunt race to disperse and integrate among the world. Most Grunts would struggle in human society, but for Perry and his brothers they found security and a sense of belonging working for Lee, having been her loyal goons for years.

"PERRY YOU FUCKING MAROON! WHY'S A WISE GUY LIKE YOU GOTTA LET THIS PIECE OF SHIT INTO PARK N' FLUSH?" Lee pointed the other Grunts towards Perry, with them choosing to give the former Chosen One a proper ass kicking. They jumped at Perry and began to stomp and wallop the living shit out of him, causing Perry to screech in agonizing pain as the Grunt suffered a brutal beatdown at the rancid hands of his brothers. Lee was satisfied at seeing Perry getting punished for his fuck up, but then noticed the camera chomos recording her and the Grunts. "What the fuck is with these cameras? You perverts better have a permit to film around these parts or you creeps can join Perry in gettin' whaled on!"

As one of the camera cocksuckers was searching in their pockets for some paperwork, Eddy regained his consciousness and muttered, "Put that gun away Lee..." Eddy tried pushing himself up, but Lee's foot continued to press down on his back, preventing him from standing. He could look up at least and scowled at the camera crew, shouting at them, "Hey fucknuts, don't pussy out! Lee doesn't keep bullets in that fucking thing so she don't blow off her fake tits!"

Lee had to maintain a zero tolerance policy on disrespect. So for that rude comment of Eddy's she dug her heel even harder against his vertebrae. She had a sadistic smile on her face as Eddy let out an ear-piercing yelp as he could feel the bones in his back crunching. "Pretty big talk comin' from a lowlife con artist fresh outta the can."

Not wanting to turn Eddy into a paraplegic, Lee took her foot off him and allowed Eddy to get back up. As Eddy rubbed his spine to soothe the pain, Lee put the revolver away in her well-endowed cleavage and then dragged him inside her trailer. Not allowing themselves to be obstructed, the camera chumps created a similar set up to when Kevin tried hiding Eddy away from them yesterday in his garage. This time they pressed the camera's lens against a window on Lee's trailer and threaded a wire microphone through it as the crew continued gathering footage.

Unlike last time, the camera chodes were able to begin filming before the conversation started. Lee was sitting on a green couch in the living room with her arms and legs folded while Eddy was standing in front of her. He was clearly nervous, fidgeting about as Lee pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. "Wanna smoke?"

"Uh, no thanks," Eddy replied, leaning back against her old CRT TV. "Haven't cared much for cigs once my old man got lung cancer, remember?"

"Oh right, sorry," Lee genuinely apologized as she lit up her cig. She opened up the oval-shaped window behind her so smoke could travel outside. "So, what the fuck do you want? If you think you can just crawl back to me now after spendin' years fucking that pig and doin' some time in buttfuck central, then you can do us all a favor and go fuck yourself."

Eddy took a deep breath, sucking in some air and his pride as he uttered, "Lee…" It stung for Eddy to ask, "Do you got any lots available? I need to rent one."

Lee sat still for a moment, exhaling and setting her cig in an ashtray before she burst out laughing. "You've always been a funny guy Eddy. I always loved seein' ya do stand-up downtown back when we were a thing."

"I'm not joking around here Lee, I need a lot to rent! Bro-"

She pulled out the revolver from her boobs and twirled it around, shutting Eddy up. "I know all about that dirtbag movin' into your house and kickin' ya to the curb."

"Figures you'd know by now," Eddy grumbled. News traveled fast in Peach Creek, but it always caught him off-guard whenever people got wind about current events.

"May texted me the details days ago," Lee informed him, setting the revolver down on the armrest as Eddy looked at her with a nonplussed expression. "What, you don't think I can afford a family phone plan?"

"Heh, guessed you blew all your cash on cheese to pay off those Grunts," Eddy teased, getting a smile out of Lee. "Anyway, do you got any lots or not?"

"Ain't got jackshit for you I'm afraid."

"Oh come on, that can't be fucking true!"

"Every single lot in the park here's rented out to my people," Lee reaffirmed, grabbing her cigarette again as she resumed smoking. "And since we don't see each other no more, you lost out on gettin' to be a part of this a long time ago."

"So you're saying I'd have to leave Sarah for you in order to live here?"

"Too little too late now." Lee looked into her kitchen while exhaling, and Eddy couldn't help but shiver. "I won't lie Eddy, I still fantasize 'bout us from time to time. Seein' that you got all muscly in the clink makes me wanna pounce on ya like when we were kids. Yeah I can get some action whenever I'm feelin' thirsty, but it still sucks we went our separate ways…"

Eddy didn't want to feel contrite here, but Lee was doing a pretty good job guilt tripping him. His heartstrings were being pulled apart, and Eddy clenched his teeth while trying to hold himself back from having another outburst. "Come on Lee…" He was scrambling to find the right words here. This was Lee Kanker he was talking to. Eddy's choice of words could determine his fate here, and that only made Eddy even more flustered. "Look Lee, I'm desperate. Please . . . I'm not too proud to beg."

Lee sighed as Eddy got on his knees to plead like a begging dog. "Get your ass up Eddy. The only time I'd wanna to see ya gettin' down on yer knees like that is if you're gonna propose." She pushed Eddy back with her foot as he got back up, trying to regain his composure. "You know what I'd like to hear comin' outta that flap of yours, so say it already damn it."

"Alright, hang on," Eddy told her as he took a deep breath. This was pure torment to him right now, and Eddy would have preferred it if he just had to take a beatdown from the Grunts instead. "I'm sorry that I did a really shitty job breaking up with you. There's no excuse that I cheated on you with Sarah for months, and I don't expect forgiveness for that. I should've acted like a man and told you upfront that things weren't working out instead of being a pussy about it. You deserved better than that and I shouldn't have made out with Sarah in front of you right after breaking it off. Lee, you were there for me when my old man was . . . dying, and I'll never forget that. I'm sorry for everything, and if Double-D could ever whip up a time machine, I'd tell past Eddy to not be such a dipshit towards you, honest."

The words that came out of Eddy's mouth were long overdue, but Lee nodded with approval as she took another puff. "Okay, maybe we can work something out here..." Lee pondered a bit as Eddy's eyes glimmered with hope. "You know the vacant lot on the corner of Rethink Ave?"

"Oh yeah, that's where the old abandoned house used to be." Eddy remembered the time Kevin dared him, Ed and Double-D to enter that haunted-looking house decades ago. It turned out to be a trap set by the Kankers for a sham wedding that resulted in the Eds getting "married" to them. Thankfully for Eddy that marriage was fake, and Double-D reassured him on several occasions that the Kanker's crude ceremony did not result in a legally valid union between the two groups. "Didn't that place get condemned after the party we hosted there senior year?"

"Yep; city ordered it bulldozed after big Ed and the foreign guy had that drunken brawl," Lee reminded Eddy. He recalled how after that incident Eddy and the rest of the cul-de-sac agreed to have Ed start smoking pot in order to inhibit his monstrous strength. "Anyways besides ol' Park n' Flush, that spot's the last bit of land the Kanker family owns in this shithole. I'm willing to rent it out to ya."

"For real? How much we talkin' here Lee?"

"Two hundred."

"Sweet, sounds like a deal."

"A day."

"Wait what the fuck?" This insanely high cost for rent put a damper on Eddy's plans, leaving him somewhat distraught. "That's like two thousand a week!"

"You wanna pay two thousand a week? Hm, yeah that can work, heh," Lee snickered as Eddy began to fume. "That's more money for me dumbass."

"Lee, I can't afford that! I don't think even Nazz or Rolf could fork out that kind of cash!" Eddy was about to nearly pull out his hair at this infuriating new development. He figured a deal with Lee couldn't fully work out one-hundred percent in his favor, but he was hoping she'd be reasonable with him at least. "I just got out of prison and I don't even have a fucking job!"

"Sounds like more of a 'you' problem, Eddy." Getting up from the couch, Lee put out her cig and walked over to the kitchen. She grabbed herself a pre-made Cuba Libre, a highball cocktail that consisted of cola, rum, lime and ice. Holding the alcoholic beverage in her hand, she took a sip and told Eddy, "This lil' empire of mine wasn't built overnight. I dragged myself outta poverty to get where I am today. A middle class white boy like you has no fucking excuse. You lived your whole cozy little life in the suburbs while I had to rough it out in this dump. When you inherited your old man's dealership, I was slaving away workin' eighty hour weeks for minimum wage, got into some greasy ass shit, and did a lotta other fucked up things you don't even wanna know just to survive on my own. If you fuck up there's always a safety net below willin' to catch ya, but if I fuck up, there's nothing protecting me."

"Shut your fucking mouth Lee." Losing his patience, Eddy pointed his fingers directly in Lee's face. In turn Lee quickly grabbed the revolver and with her hand on the trigger, aimed it at Eddy's head. This didn't intimidate him in the slightest, having his fear superseded by anger. "I know you had it hard growing up, but me and everyone else in the cul-de-sac had our struggles too. Don't give me this 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' shit, I know for damn well you didn't get to where you are by yourself. You had your mom, me, May, Marie, Ed, Double-D, Nazz and even Sarah helping you out for years after high school. If you actually think you had no one but yourself to count on, then you've gotta be the most ungrateful bitch I've ever met."

"That's some heavy shit comin' from a man in your position." Lee grabbed some .44 Magnum cartridges from inside her leather jacket and filled up the cylinder. With her handgun actually loaded now, Lee scowled as she pressed the barrel of the Colt Anaconda against Eddy's forehead. "Gimme one good reason I don't put you down like the shitty dog you are."

"Because this 'shitty dog' isn't playing around anymore." Lee raised an eyebrow at this unflinching statement. Curious as to what else Eddy had to say, she lowered her gun and continued listening. "Lee, I'm a homeless felon with nowhere else to turn. My dad's been dead for a few years now and I don't even know what home Bro stuck my mom into. One of my best friends can't seem to stand me anymore and the other one's kid fucking hates my guts. Everyone else is too wrapped up in their own shit to help me out right now and I don't even blame them. The moment I got out of prison my life's been a downward spiral and I don't think this shit train's gonna stop anytime soon. So go ahead, pull the fucking trigger for all I care. The way I see it Lee, tonight your Grunts are dissolving my body in a tub full of acid, or I crawl back to the Want*More parking lot and see if I can last another night there until I crack. Either way works for me, so what's it gonna be?"

"Holy shit..." Lee unloaded the chamber and set the revolver down. As Eddy kept glaring her down, Lee took a big gulp out of her drink before facing him. "Damn, looks like prison really did make ya rugged, and not just with that nice new bod of yours. Still, didn't anyone tell ya our Want*More went to hell since you were away upstate?"

"Kev warned me yesterday, but I thought he was blowin' smoke," Eddy brought up as he was calming down after that stern speech of his. Leaning against the guardrails by the staircase, Eddy clenched the wooden bars before continuing with, "Place is swarming with shitty bottle kids now. Little bastards, they nearly wrecked my van this morning for no reason."

"Fuckin' A, I knew that our Want*More turned to shit a while back, but I didn't think those lil' motherfuckers claimed it now." The lord of Park n' Flush took a deep breath and finished off her drink before slamming the glass down onto a sliced log table. "New deal: take that van of yours and park it over in the vacant lot. Then starting tomorrow, you work for me."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm not. I got some courier work I think you could handle. The Grunts ain't so good with doin' anything outside of town, but I think even you can make some runs for me. Well, a lot better than ya can with a drug deal anyway, heh."

"You giving me work? This is sounding more and more like horseshit. What, are you gonna set me up? Have the Grunts swoop in to knock me out? Call the cops that I'm trespassing on your lot?"

"Get a grip Eddy, I'm not fuckin' with ya this time. I'd think after all these years you could tell when I mean business and when I'm toyin' around. Besides, you're trespassing right now. If I wanted to deal with you the legal way, I could've called Sheriff Dunsworth to haul your ass back to prison, but I think you've been through enough shit for now."

"Alright, I get you're not pulling my leg anymore," Eddy let up, releasing his hands from grasping the guardrails of Lee's staircase. "So what do I have to deliver? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate this a lot Lee, but I'm still on parole. I don't wanna get busted for haulin' a fuckton of heroin around or something."

"Let me put it this way big man: this gig's a lot of risk, but there's some good reward in it too. Risks bein' some of my packages are black market shit that'll land you back in the slammer for a couple o' decades if your dumbass gets busted again. Reward is you get to live rent-free on the lot and get a decent allowance for yourself, plus some goodies when I feel like you've done decent. Sounds simple enough, eh McGee?"

With the pros and cons of this new employment opportunity thoroughly explained to him, Eddy pondered a bit on taking this job offer. This sketchy career could easily land him back in prison for God knows how long if he messed up. But being a felon with a limited skill set and nowhere else to turn, he knew how limited his options were. Plus Lee was offering a rent-free lot for him to stay and park the van at. Taking all of this into consideration Eddy asked Lee, "So, what do I gotta deliver first?" as he accepted this job and had a part of his soul die a little.

Lee grinned as she rushed upstairs in her trailer. She came back down with a few boxes filled with trinkets, hair care products, tabloids, clothes and other supplies. Giving the assortment of goods for Eddy to carry, Lee informed her new courier, "Take these to my mom. She still lives in Cherry Pond, so you remember where the old lady's at, right?"

"Yeah I remember," Eddy confirmed while trying to balance holding all of the stuff Lee handed him. The thought of seeing Lee's mom sent a chill down his injured spine. It had been years since he saw her, and that was back when Eddy was still in a relationship with Lee. He could only imagine how awkward and bitter that encounter would go with her. "So on a scale from one to ten, how pissed is your mom at me?"

"Considerin' how much you've wronged me, I'm guessin' a solid eleven," Lee informed him, causing Eddy to nearly drop everything in his hands out of anxiety. "For the record, today I'd say I was at a decent six. Don't die now, heh."

"Shit, I'd wear a bulletproof vest but my fuckin' felony won't let me," Eddy said as Lee snickered at him. Of course he knew being on parole also meant he shouldn't leave Peach Creek either, but Eddy had no choice about that if he wanted somewhere safe to park the van. He then noticed just how mundane all the items were that Lee gave him to take to her mom, eying how licit they were. "The hell, I thought you said this was risky? This is all just normal junk Lee."

"I ain't havin' ya haul around anything big right off the bat my delivery man," Lee told him while setting a tray of baked treats on his stack of boxes. "Besides these hash brownies, cause my mom loves 'em. Just remember Eddy, if you get caught, that's all on you. I'll have nothing to do with it so I ain't gettin' dragged into the joint with ya. Kapeesh?"

Gulping, Eddy nodded and uttered, "Understood," as he made his way towards the front door. "By the way Lee, um . . . I need some gas for the van. Kinda need that to make this delivery, unless you want me to carry all this shit on foot."

Lee facepalmed, but let out a chuckle at Eddy's expense. "There's some gas cans by the shed, you should see 'em on your way out, beefcake. Scare off the punkasses gettin' cheap highs off it while you're at it," Lee told him as she held the door open. There was a tempting thought in her head to slam it on Eddy, but knew better since that could've damaged the goods he was carrying. "Oh, and word of advice: drop those camera creeps! I know they've been filming our little talk this whole time, but I wouldn't want them followin' you everywhere Eddy. Unlike Marie, I don't think everything needs to be recorded and put up on the internet."

The camera crew nearly shat their pants as the footage violently shook as they backed off her trailer. Reconfiguring themselves by a rusty quonset hut, the camera creeps got their shit together and resumed recording, albeit from a safer distance now. The camera chode with the boom mic raised it into the air to keep listening in as he heard from Eddy, "I'd love to get those fuckheads off my back, but they're a part of my parole deal Nazz worked out."

"Marie texted me about that yesterday," Lee shot back at him. "Don't care though. If you know what's best for ya Eddy, you'll get your psycho paparazzi to back off."

"Believe me Lee if I could ditch those court-ordered chumps I would," Eddy replied as he slowly made his way out of her trailer. Stepping back into the trailer park he could see Perry still getting the ever-living shit beaten out of him by his Grunt brethren. As he walked past that gruesome display, Eddy turned back around at Lee to say, "Thanks again Lee. I mean it."

"No problem, just don't make me regret showin' you compassion like this," Lee warned, pulling out another cigarette like the chain smoker she was. "After this I'll have the Grunts come lookin' for ya whenever I need your ass to make another run for me. Now scram!"

With that, Lee slammed the door to her trailer shut as Eddy made his way over to the shed that she was talking about. As Lee told him, he scared off a few teenagers with his intimidating presence as they were getting some free huffs off the fumes rising out of the gasoline. Grabbing a couple of containers, Eddy stacked them on top of his tall tower of packages, which was a truly amazing balancing act to behold. "Come on guys, let's blow this hellhole," Eddy told the camera crew as they followed their target.

Leaving Park n' Flush, Eddy made his way back into the woods where he and the camera creeps' vans were left undisturbed, thankfully. After setting the packages inside and refueling his vehicle, Eddy hopped in the driver's seat and started the ignition. Yesterday when Eddy got behind the wheel of the retro van, he felt control. Now that he was working for Lee in order to get by, Eddy couldn't help but scream as he took off. The hits to his pride were too hard, and Eddy knew how low he had sunk today in order to survive. He had relinquished his freedom, and only now Eddy started to realize just how powerless he truly was.

Today, Eddy acknowledged that he was no longer a freeman, but a slave.


	5. S1E5: The Camera Crew Fucked Up

**Co-Written by Neo H.B.B Sam**

**Special Thanks to Scary Spikender**

**Monday**

It pained Eddy to swallow his pride like this, but he sucked in his stomach and had to face the facts: he had no choice but to deliver all this shit to the Kanker's mom. It was hellishly nerve-wracking to even be carrying all that junk Lee was having him deliver. Yet all Eddy could think of was that the last time he met Ms. Kanker, when things didn't go too well for everyone involved. And that was _before_ Lee found out he had cheated on her.

He parked the retro van on the side of her property, which was marked off by a rustic wooden picket fence with white paint peeling off it. Right now Eddy was in Cherry Pond, a tiny mountain town in the countryside that was home to less than a thousand people. Cherry Pond was one of those places that technically wasn't a town, but instead an unorganized, census-designated place—big enough to have a name, but not its own government as it depended on services provided by the county to survive. Being spring, this season had the town live up to its name, with most of the trees blooming in beautiful pink colors as cherry-blossom petals gently blew across the land. This contrasted with the otherwise drab appearance of the town thanks to the vast amounts of murky marshland in the area. Needless to say, Cherry Pond was just one of rural America's many shrinking small towns since most young people left upon graduating from high school in search for higher education and better paying jobs, resulting in brain drain that severely impacted the town.

"You chomos are gonna want to stand back for this," Eddy warned the camera crew as they were stepping out of their black van, parked right behind his vehicle. They took heed to this, taking caution as they kept themselves a good thirty feet away from Eddy, who effortlessly tore off the locked fence gate and began walking down Ms. Kanker's pothole-covered dirt driveway.

Eddy prudently carried the packages Lee gave him yesterday while observing the yard for danger. Approaching the double wide mobile home carefully with every step he took, Eddy tried hiding his face behind the boxes as he held them up higher. It obstructed his vision a bit, but it also hid his face. Of course Ms. Kanker would have to know Eddy was walking towards her front door by now as three dogs (a mastiff, wolfdog and dachshund to be precise) chained up to a metal pole kept barking tenaciously at him. He tried ignoring these territorial canines, focusing his attention instead on a rusty wreck of an old blue pickup truck that was embedded into the earth. It fit in nicely with the corroded garden stakes, campfire ring and other rusted lawn ornaments that decorated Ms. Kanker's yard. Lee's instructions were to place the boxes in the bed of the pickup, and Eddy's plan was to offload the cargo and vamoose before he got recognized.

Eddy's plan went quite well for most of the boxes. In his haste however, it came to the point where there was only one box left and it wasn't enough to hide his face too much. He figured that he'd just try to be as fast as possible this time around. The moment he set the box down on the pickup's bed however, he heard the door to the house swing open and the cocking of a pump-action shotgun.

"I SEE YOU, EDWARD MCGEE!"

"FUCK THIS!" With that, Eddy and the camera crew bolted to their vans as they were being mercilessly blasted. A barrage of explosive pellets drenched Ms. Kanker's yard, blowing up several of her own ornaments in her dead set vengeance against Eddy. The stray shots were so devastating that they set the landscape ablaze, transforming her property into what now looked like a byproduct of hell itself.

"YOU'RE GONNA PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD FOR WHAT YOU DID, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Ms. Kanker roared like a bellowing inferno as she continued to fill the air with lead. Eddy and the camera chumps hopped in their vehicles and hastily drove off, not looking back once at the chaos behind them. Enraged, she threw her shotgun on the ground, causing it to fire another blast as Ms. Kanker screamed in the burning hellscape she had created. "NEXT TIME I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD MOUNTED ON MY FUCKING WALL IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO, YOU HEAR ME MCGEE!?"

* * *

One hour later, Eddy was walking back to the camera crew's van as he carried a cardboard sign that read "Hungray n' Homlez: Just N3d Food" in one hand and a bag of fast food in the other. They parked alongside a country road just outside of Cherry Pond's jurisdiction, needing to recuperate after that infernal encounter with Ms. Kanker. "I told you guys I could score us some food," Eddy said as he set his stuff down on the van's steel floor. His gut rumbled as he was absolutely starving, having gone roughly forty-eight hours without any nourishment. "The trick to begging as a homeless guy is to _not_ ask for cash. People are a lot more willing to give a guy down on his luck some food or clothes instead of moolah, trust me."

Eddy and the camera chomos were wrapped in bandages, looking like they came out of a freshly opened sarcophagus. They applied some basic first aid on each other after being blasted by Ms. Kanker, getting some pellets lodged in their bodies that had to be removed.

"Nice of that guy to give me his McNasty's," Eddy commented as he began to take out some preservative-ridden burgers, fries and chicken nuggets out of the greasy bag. The "food" looked and tasted like pure plastic, but that didn't matter to Eddy right now who was hungry and desperate to eat anything. Grabbing a burger, Eddy took a bite out of it and while talking with his mouth full of processed food uttered, "I used to imagine doing shady shit like this back when I was younger. Didn't think that bitch would actually start shooting at me though." Eddy then set the burger down and plucked out a pellet that he found in his shoulder. "God this shit stings and I know I'll be picking bullets out for _weeks_. At least none of them hit a fucking organ."

The camera chodes somehow had even more pellets stuck inside them, and while eating they were picking them out of each other in a similar fashion to chimpanzees grabbing bugs out of each other's fur. It was in a rare moment like this that Eddy didn't actually feel total detestment towards the camera crew. They were definitely creepy and incredibly irritating with their constant need to record every little thing he did while being completely silent. But for now, Eddy took the time to appreciate eating some fast food on the side of a poorly-paved road inside a sketchy-looking van with his court-ordered camera crew.

That was until the boom mic accidentally dropped on his head. Eddy let out a yelp and spat out some food after that sudden bonk. Rubbing a bump, Eddy grabbed his grub and told the camera chumps, "Alright, now I need some space, okay?" He stepped out of the van and sat behind it, only to still be recorded as he quickly noticed a camera still pointed at him. "Come on, don't you guys want a break from me, ever? For fuck's sake, I'm not gonna just ditch you guys here. Good God, give me some fucking breathing room!"

But alas, privacy was not a virtue to the camera crew, who continued to film Eddy while eating the sickly McNasty's in their hands at the same time. Eddy groaned, resuming to eat his food as he knew the camera creeps couldn't be shaken off so easily. He sat then, gnawing on his meal while pondering; the gears in his brain grinding away as a million different thoughts popped in his head. The camera crew of course remained ever-diligent in their duty to record Eddy—even when he was doing nothing remarkable at all—so long as things went smoothly for them.

* * *

**Cul-De-Sac Boys Season 1 - Episode 5**

**"The Camera Crew Fucked Up"**

* * *

**Wednesday**

A blanket of fog covered Peach Creek this morning, with the sun barely able to shine through the thick ground-touching clouds. The camera chumps were setting up shop in their black van as they were parked right next to the retro van where Eddy was resting inside. They were parked in the lot that Lee allowed Eddy to stay at, which was fully carpeted in a field of dandelions ever since the abandoned house that once resided on the property was demolished over a decade ago. With Eddy still inside his van, the camera crew were observing Rethink Avenue, carefully watching to see if anything worth filming was going on.

They didn't want a repeat of Tuesday.

Suddenly driving into the cul-de-sac was a patrol car belonging to the Peach Creek Sheriff Department. Stepping out of the vehicle was Sarah, who today was wearing her parole officer uniform. The attire consisted of a tucked-in black polo shirt with an embroidered badge along with insignias and name tags stitched and printed on, a duty belt equipped with a holster and several holders/pouches, sage colored tactical pants and black leather work boots. She scanned the stratus-covered suburban landscape with her weary eyes—the only thing catching her attention being Kevin working in his garage.

The sheriff's sergeant walked down the driveway with the camera creeps stalking her, capturing footage of Sarah as she approached Kevin. He was busy doing maintenance underneath a pickup while the deputy knocked on the garage track to alert him of her presence.

"Oh Kevin," Sarah chirped, greeting him with a cheesy smile. "Have you seen Eddy around?

Sliding out from under the vehicle on a makeshift skateboard-turned-car creeper, Kevin wiped some grease off his face before casually replying with, "Ah Eddy, he's in the vehicle right now."

Sarah looked into the automobile Kevin was working on and didn't spot her parolee inside. Scowling, she glanced back over at him with her hands grasping her duty belt. "So, you're gonna be an asshole to me right away huh?"

"I'm not bullshitting you Sarah, that dork's really in his vehicle," Kevin informed her as she exasperated. Sarah figured that Kevin was being overly sardonic towards her or that he was having memory issues thanks to what happened to him overseas during his time in the service.

"Alright cut the crap Kevin. I'm just wondering because I gotta check in on him and he hasn't replied to any of my texts since he got outta prison."

"Does Eddy even have his smartphone anymore?" Kevin genuinely asked as he grabbed some sockets off the cement floor.

"Well yeah, unless it's charging at his house…" It was then it dawned on Sarah that Eddy couldn't have access to a smartphone. Not only was it sitting around at his house—which Eddy wouldn't access thanks to Bro taking over his domain—but Eddy's phone number would have expired while he was imprisoned on the account of being unable to pay his phone bill for over a year. She suddenly felt nearly as dumb as her brother Ed, blushing red with embarrasment as Kevin couldn't help but smirk. Sarah couldn't help but let out an outburst with, "Ooh, damn you Eddy! When I get my hands on him I'm gonna stra—"

"Ain't your body cam on right now?"

"Wait, is it?" Simmering down, Sarah felt her chest and then remembered she wasn't wearing one of those recording devices on her uniform today. "Hold on, I gave mine to a rookie today cause hers broke. Why'd you ask Kevin?"

"Wanted to remind you that we're always being watched man," Kevin said as the camera crew hastily repositioned themselves. One of the camera chodes jumped in some nearby Podocarpus bushes to resume filming, while the two with the LED lights and boom mic climbed on top of Kevin's roof to capture some better visual and audio quality. Somehow the camera cumbrains continued to go seemingly ignored by the two as they continued to record the conversation.

"Kevin, did you forget to take your meds this morning?"

"Oh come on, you know we're always being spied on. There's all that data mining shit any company can do, the NSA getting BU&U to tap into all of our phone calls, and don't even get me started on those fucking creeps that follow Eddy everywhere he goes with those cameras."

"Okay you're not wrong, especially with that last part. But you can blame Nazz for those weirdos filming everything Eddy does," Sarah told him while quickly glancing over at the cul-de-sac, failing to see anyone eavesdropping on them as the camera crew wiped their foreheads with relief. "Anyway, if you see him around let me know. There's more than just parole crap we gotta talk about."

"Bummer, I'm glad your deal with him ain't my problem. Hey, can you hand me that wrench?"

Rolling her eyes, Sarah looked over at a nearby wall mounted rack that contained several different kinds of tools. She was confused by the sheer amount of tools that hung off the rack, with there being a wide array of pliers, screwdrivers, hammers, wrenches and other tools in many different styles and sizes. Muddled, all Sarah could ask was, "Which one?"

"An oil filter wrench. Looks like a bike chain on a handle, should be hanging towards the left."

"How was I supposed to think that was a wrench? I'm a deputy, not a mechanic," Sarah jeered as she yanked the specialized tool off the rack and kicked it over towards Kevin. As he swiftly caught it and looped the wrench to wrap around a filter casing, Sarah couldn't help but raise the question of, "Does this even pay well?"

"I'll get to you in a second, officer," Kevin gibed. After finishing his work on the pickup, Kevin crawled out from under the vehicle and stood up, stretching his shoulders as he replied with, "I make enough to get by. It's a real drag that most newer rides these days need a geek like Double-D to maintain them cause every new vehicle's practically part computer. Whenever a new ride's got issues, a guy like me isn't even authorized to legally fix it sometimes. Hell some new cars can diagnose their own problems, which takes out half the work for a mechanic like me. Don't even get me started on shit like Teslas; I wouldn't put my hands on one of those electric cars even if it was to change out the brake pads. But as long as people have older models, I'll do fine."

"Wow, thanks for the lecture on why you should go back to school and learn to do something else," Sarah derided Kevin after listening to his rant about the decline of the mechanic trade due to the advent of high-tech cars. Kevin scowled as Sarah couldn't help but sigh as she playfully elbowed him in the ribs. "Okay, I know I sounded like a bitch there, sorry. If it wasn't for that fake leg of yours I'd put in a recommendation for you at the department. People with military backgrounds get an extra edge whenever they apply."

"Thanks Sarah. Now I gotta take a shower; I'm meeting my ex and kid over in Jacksonville tomorrow. Shit must be important if she wants me driving all the way to Florida. Hopefully it ain't more child supp—"

Without warning, a loud explosion occurred by the edge of the cul-de-sac. Instantly Kevin began to scream and violently swing his arms as he knocked down Sarah, who was still trying to process this incident herself. To prevent Kevin from causing any damage to himself or others, Sarah quickly ripped off his prosthetic leg, causing Kevin to hop around before he collapsed onto the concrete. Sarah then jumped on top of Kevin and used her superhuman strength to wrap her arms around his body while using her knees to pin down his legs. "It's okay Kevin, just take a breather…" Sarah gently reassured as she physically restrained Kevin after he was triggered into having another episode.

"Take cover, you swinging dicks!" Kevin roared while squirming around trying to break free from Sarah's grasp.

"What's freakin' going on out here?" Barging through the front door with enough force to unhinge it was Kevin's father, Karl. He was an overweight man in his mid-fifties with male pattern baldness, having only faded ginger hair on the sides of his head; although body hair covered the rest of his body like an orange carpet. However, Karl did sport an impressive dark pornstache that made him look a lot more seedy than expected from a middle manager at the jawbreaker factory. Normally Karl was dressed more professionally, but as he was still getting ready for work he was currently in his pajamas. This consisted of a slightly greasy white sleeveless shirt that showed off his bare stomach, food-stained blue sweatpants and a pair of turquoise flip-flops for going outside with. But as his current appearance suggested, Karl was indeed a low-brow man when it came to his tastes in life.

"EVERYTHING'S BLOWING UP MAN!" Kevin screamed, continuing to struggle as Sarah kept holding down his flailing body.

"WHO THE FUCK SET OFF MY FLESH AND BLOOD THIS TIME?" Karl bellowed as he rushed back inside. He hustled back out with a lit-up bubbler and hastily pressed the mouthpiece against Kevin's lips. "There we go Kev, soak in that sweet kush like it's the US Festival of '83." It was only after Kevin inhaled the THC-laced smoke that Karl noticed that Sarah—a member of law enforcement—had his son subdued, which made his pale skin turn a similar shade of red as Kevin's now bloodshot eyes. "Oh, uh hey cop chick, how is everything? You ain't gonna arrest us for some minor narcotics are ya? Look, I work my ass off for fifty hours a week taking care of my disabled adult son so I don't need no—"

"Calm down Karl, I got bigger things to deal with than Kevin smoking pot," Sarah reassured as Karl let out a sigh in relief. With Kevin's state of mind starting to stabilize again thanks to the marijuana, Sarah let go of his now relaxed body and got off the oil-stained garage floor. She'd have to grab a spare uniform from her house later to get some clothes that didn't reek of cannabis and used-cars. "If we busted everyone for doing weed in this town, over half of Peach Creek would be in prison."

"No kidding, we'd all be enrolled in con college like that piece of shit Eddy if you guys were real hardasses," Karl chuckled, much to Sarah's dismay. "Say, aren't you that dumbass Ed's sister? The guy might be a real fucking moron, but man does he grow some good and cheap kush. Real party animal too back in the day from what I heard, heh."

"Yeah I'm Ed's little sister. Don't you recognize me Karl, I've lived in this cul-de-sac my whole life!"

"Hey, I got my own world and all you kids' parents moved out years ago. Man you millennials got it smooth like Grade A stripper titties; inheriting your folks' homes with _them_ movin' out to live in Hawaii or wherever to retire. When I was your age I was busting my balls living paycheck-to-paycheck just to rent out a shitty apartment. Hell the only way I even got this house was after the courts paid out when Kevin's mom pa—"

"Pardon my intrusion, but I must admit that I was the source of the explosion a moment ago." The conversation ended in awkward silence when everyone honed their attention on Double-D. He appeared charred, having his skin and clothes blackened with post-blast residue that made him look like a walking ashtray.

"Yo, what's up Double-D man, heh," Kevin happily greeted, now completely pacified thanks to having a hit of that sweet Mary Jane.

"Ah, it's the professor confessin' he's a hack!" Karl exclaimed while reaching for Kevin's tool rack to grab a C-shaped fine-toothed hand saw. "And now I got real reason to get arrested after I cut you to pieces with this friggin' hacksaw!"

"Karl please, have mercy! I came to explain myself with civility and reason, not extreme violence!" Double-D pleaded as he cowered behind Sarah for protection like the sad, craven man he was. "I was merely doing some test runs of a chemistry demonstration for my Organic Reactions and Applications class when I accidentally created that destructive combustion. It was such an amateur mistake, but do note it was just that: a mistake! I didn't mean to cause any harm, so I came here to owe up to this blunder and apologize for my actions!"

"No no, I understand; had a new guy at the factory blow up the cooling tunnel just a couple of weeks ago. We all laughed for a good twenty minutes at his little slip-up," Karl flatly addressed as he pointed the tip of the hacksaw's blade at Double-D's face. "But uh, you made Kevin have an episode like a jackass, so the only apologies I'm accepting are the ones written in blood. So what's it gonna be, smart guy? Gonna get sliced up in the front like a real man, or take some cuts in the back like the freakin' pussy you are?"

"THAT'S ENOUGH HORSESHIT YOU TWO!" Fed up with their increasingly distressing antics, Sarah pulled out her standard-issue Glock 22 and raised it in the air. Karl decided to back down, lowering his hacksaw while Double-D pathetically crawled in front of her. "Consider yourselves lucky I don't have you morons detained, because I really need to fucking find Eddy!"

"Chill Sarah, he's driving off now," Kevin commented, causing the camera crew to swiftly shift their focus on the retro van as it sped out of its dandelion-covered lot. The camera chumps hesitated on following suit, wanting to capture their subjects' reactions to this revelation first.

"WHAT THE FUCK KEVIN, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EDDY WAS IN THAT VAN?"

"I told ya he was in his vehicle when you came askin' me earlier."

"I didn't know you gave him that purple eyesore to drive around in! I thought you struck a deal with Lee to let it stay on her lot so you could clear out some space in here!"

"Sarah, I'd rather go on another tour in the Middle East than ever interact with that Kanker. Man, Eddy must've been real desperate to work something out with her."

"Aargh, that damn Eddy! I'm done talking to you nimrods, just don't kill each other okay?"

Bolting it for her patrol car, Sarah jumped through the window and hopped in, starting the ignition as she slammed her foot on the gas. Whipping out of the cul-de-sac fast enough to leave fresh skidmarks, the sun finally began to break through the fog as Sarah set her sights to follow Eddy. The camera crew agreed to do the same, making a run for it to enter their vehicle too in order to record their subject. As the camera chodes were about to follow Sarah and Eddy, the one with the camera couldn't help but zoom in on Double-D, who was on the ground crawling away from a clearly agitated Karl.

"Let's be reasonable here Karl! That hacksaw could cause serious injury that I may never fully recover from!" Double-D implored, nervously backing into the wall of Kevin's garage.

"That's pretty much the point, smartass," Karl informed Double-D, swinging around the cutting tool as he pressed a button that caused the garage door to slowly move downwards. "Consider this a woodworking lesson here. Only you're the board and I'm the carpenter, yeah!"

With the garage door shutting, frantic scuttling and screaming could be heard from inside as the camera crew decided to continue driving onward. It amused them to see Double-D getting viciously attacked, but alas it wasn't their job to film him. Eddy was who they were supposed to record, and they would remain dedicated to that endeavor no matter what stood in their way.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the film crew found themselves following right behind Sarah's patrol vehicle on their way to the _Old World Roadhouse_. She could see Eddy's gaudy retro van parked in the back amongst the restaurant's packed parking lot, which had nearly every space occupied with a car. Being a law enforcement officer, she could just park right alongside the building and no one would care, much to her benefit. The camera crew also decided they could park right behind her without anyone caring as they began to follow, much to Sarah's dismay.

As Sarah stepped out of her car, she took one look at the camera creeps and uttered, "Oh right, you dingbats are here to stalk Eddy." She took in a deep breath and fastened her duty belt before entering Rolf's restaurant as Sarah looked into the camera and said to herself, "Just think it's like that time you were on _Live PD_, Sarah. Only now you're dealing with your shithead boyfriend instead of some jackass high on bath salts tearing off another man's face at _Taco Bong_." Sighing, Sarah wished she was called to handle some drug-crazed maniac instead, but alas a meeting with Eddy was ultimately inevitable.

She stormed inside the Old World Roadhouse, shoving her way through several customers headstrong. A nervous greeter saw Sarah approaching her, gulping as the deputy/parole officer slammed her hands on the counter with enough force to turn it into a pile of rubbish. "Uh… c-c-can I help you, o-o-officer?" the greeter stammered, scared stiff as Sarah gazed at her with fiery eyes.

"Did you see a big and bulky guy waltz in here a bit ago?" Sarah questioned the young woman, clenching her holster much to the concern of the restaurant's staff and patrons.

"Y-yes ma'am, I mean officer! He went to the kitchen carrying a bunch of boxes! I don't know what was in them, I swear!"

"Alright, thanks for the cooperation." Sarah continued towards the kitchen as the Old World Roadhouse's employees and customers couldn't help but stare at the presence of law enforcement. The camera crew being right behind Sarah also caught their attention, with many having to get their faces and obscene gestures blurred out thanks to them thinking they were gonna be on a show.

Barging into the kitchen via kicking the door hard enough to utterly destroy it, Sarah got the immediate attention of Rolf, Eddy and the rest of the restaurant's staff. Eddy was unloading some cardboard boxes containing several heat lamps onto a counter, nearly dropping the last box after he saw Sarah bursting in. As he slowly placed the last package right next to some freshly sliced olive flounder, Eddy couldn't help but start to profusely sweat as if he was trapped in a sauna. "There ya go… the last box of perfectly legal heat lamps there Rolf…"

"Very good felony Ed boy, who has not broken the laws of the land by delivering these state-approved heat lamps, yes…"

"Rolf you can relax, I don't care about these stupid heat lamps. I'm just gonna have a talk with Eddy out back—"

"Yo pop's, what the fuck is the pig doing in the kitchen? Ready to get served up to the customers with an apple in her bigass mouth?" Boyd obtusely asked, with everyone turning their attention to Rolf's son for his foolhardy words. "I fucking hate cops! You racist, murderous motherfuckers need to mind your own fucking business! ACAB! ACAB!"

"Boyd!" Rolf stomped over to his eldest child and bent him over his knee. Despite his son nearly being an adult, that didn't stop Rolf from pulling out a studded, wooden paddle and repeatedly smacking Boyd's behind for his hotheaded language. "Rolf understands your grievances with American law enforcement and the criticisms you bring of the criminal justice system. But now is not the time to say such things that could jeopardize you, Rolf and the rest of your family!"

"Rolf, stop beating your kid or I'm gonna haul your ass to jail," Sarah flatley informed him. Rolf instantly stopped applying corporal punishment to his son as he slowly crawled away into his office, with the door making an awkward yet loud creaking sound while steadily closing. Boyd rubbed his buttox, giving a nasty death glare at Sarah before leisurely walking out to the dining area, and the rest of the staff was only able to muster small breaths, hesitant on what to do. "I came here to have a word with Eddy, so all of you can relax and get back to work," Sarah told them while pointing at Eddy, who had nearly sidestepped over to the backdoor to run for it.

Eddy groaned, figuring he should get this eventual meeting with his parole officer over with. "Yeah sure Sarah, you wanted to talk to me?" Grabbing Eddy's arms, Sarah pulled out her handcuffs and began to press the metal restraints against his wrists. As Eddy was cuffed in the front, most of the kitchen staff couldn't help but chuckle, especially after they noticed the color of these restraining devices: pink. "Fuckin' really Sarah?" Eddy gruffly asked while Sarah snapped the handcuffs on him.

"It's just standard procedure Eddy. Now enough wasting time, let's talk out back." The deputy grabbed her parolee by the chain links of the cuffs and dragged him outside, away from the onlooking customers. The camera chodes followed behind them and set up position as Sarah pulled Eddy to sit down with her on an outside table where it was only them and the camera chumps recording their conversation. "Alright, I wanted some fucking privacy to talk to you about this, but I guess you're stuck with these morons."

"Yeah, that's been my life ever since last week," Eddy said as he scowled at the camera crew before leaning back and softening his face when he began to devote his attention to Sarah. "So, what's up?"

"What's up?" Sarah gritted her teeth. "Is that all you have to say to me after a whole week?"

Eddy shrugged and shook his head. "It's only been a week? Feels like it's been months or a year and a half."

Sarah gave a heavy sigh. "Can you cut the bullshit for once Eddy? I need to talk to you, as your parole officer… and your girlfriend."

"Wait, what? Shit, I didn't know for sure we were still together."

"Eddy, after not seeing each other for eighteen months we banged in my patrol car on the side of the road and believe me mister, we both needed that good fuck after being apart for so long."

"Yeah, but I figured you were just horny or stressed out or something."

"I was and I still am, but that's besides the point! Do you think I'd get slutty like that with just anyone?"

He had to think about that one for a moment. "Well… nah, you wouldn't, unless you were datin' them anyway. I remember hearing how you rocked Jimmy's world back in high school, had your fair share of good times with ol' Sockhead when you two dated in college, and then a few flings here and there with some other cops for awhile."

Sarah couldn't help but let out another sigh after being reminded of her previous relationships. "Those were years ago Eddy. Where are you getting at bringing them up? You don't see me talking about how you fucked Nazz, Lee and a few other girls' before we became a thing."

"Okay shit my bad, sorry for being stupid with my words again. So, what should we be talkin' about instead? This about you getting me put away for the past eighteen months for nothing?"

"That bag you and Ed were lugging around was almost over ten pounds of weed! I still don't know how you two numbskulls even got that much pot in the first place, Ed didn't even have his growing room set up yet! You're lucky you didn't get trafficking added onto your sentence, not even Nazz could've saved your stupid ass from that!"

"Come on, it was only weed. You know that shit is harmless! Hell, that stuff is helping Ed keep control of his crazy-strong strength. You know if he didn't smoke it, he'd be tearing up God-knows-what and amounting a shit-ton of damages."

"Eddy, we both know it's different with Ed. The state's got it worked out that his weed is 'medical' and legal. I know he sells some of it to Kevin and a few others, but him doing it is harmless," Sarah reminded her boyfriend. "And sure, that night it was weed for you. But what if whoever else you wanted to deal with wanted more from you? Worse yet, what if you felt like you wanted more? It's how you are Eddy, you like to take big risks. Hell it's how you ended up getting into debt in the first place. That's why I knew you wanting to sell it was gonna lead you to getting into some bad shit, so I had no choice but to stop you before it was too late."

"Isn't thinking it would be a 'slippery slope' some sort of 'logical fall-a-see' as Double-D would say?" He leaned forward and mulled it over in his head before exclaiming, "Just be fucking honest with me already Sarah and admit you saw me and Ed as easy targets for an arrest! I know how much your job means to ya and that you wanna become the sheriff one day. That little sting operation you pulled on us prolly played a big part in getting promoted to sergeant, so come clean and just say so!"

"Oh my God, would you really rather me say that I just saw you and my own brother as stepping stones in my own career path, or that I actually give a shit about you?" Sarah placed her hands over Eddy's, grasping them as the strands on his handcuffs clanged. "I know we hated each other's guts as kids, but we've been seeing each other for almost four years now. You don't think I haven't considered the risks by still seeing you? Most departments would have me fired just for _associating_ with you outside of work because you're a felon. Hell even before that I got my fair share of flak for not dating another cop. We're both lucky that the department is so underfunded and understaffed that they have to not care about our relationship. For fuck's sake, I really could've dumped you on the spot after arrestin' ya if I wanted to pull a real power move on you, but I want to make this work. Don't you, Eddy?"

"I… y-ye-yeah Sarah, I do too," Eddy admitted, flabbergasted after Sarah unloaded all of that on him. He took in a big gulp as his face started to turn red while his girlfriend gave him a soft smile, her eyes glimmering as she awaited a full response. "Alright, I won't accuse you of using me and Ed to get ahead in life anymore! You got a weird way of looking out for people by putting them in prison, but if you really think that was better than something worse, then sure, I'll try to get it."

"You have no idea how happy I am to finally hear you admit that." She smirked, taking her hands off his and pulled out a pen and notepad while crossing her legs together. "Now if you don't mind I gotta ask my parolee questions."

Eddy couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Here we go."

"So Eddy, I see you're not living at your house anymore."

"Nope. Can't live with Bro, not without one of us killing the other and I'm not about to go back to the joint for the rest of my life because of him."

"Right, and you're now living on Lee Kanker's property in that eyesore of a van, which I just found out today! I thought Kevin had it there to clear shit out of his garage, but boy was I wrong." Sarah shot a glare of disappointment at him, causing Eddy to recoil.

"Hey, don't give me that look! I would've asked to stay with you but your hellspawn bitch of a niece uppercut me and I was sent flying! I crashed into the old playground and got mangled in some monkey bars for half a fucking hour!"

Sarah snarled and gave Eddy's shin a whack with her baton, knocking him to the cement. "Don't you ever call June a bitch again!"

"AH, FUCK!" Eddy yelped, trying to rub his swollen shin but found it difficult thanks to being in handcuffs. "SHIT THAT FUCKING HURT! God, are you even allowed to fucking do that?"

"Don't change the subject. Besides, you've been through worse."

"Yeah, and I used to heal up faster before I hit my thirties!" Eddy shouted as he tried his best to soothe the bruise on his shin. "But really Sarah, I was desperate. If I didn't luck out on Kevin giving me the van, I'd be sleeping out in the swamp!"

"And how are you living on the property of Lee Kanker?"

"Look, let's just say it was a last ditch plan so I wasn't spending another night at the Want*More parking lot."

"Eddy, be honest with me… are you back together with her?"

"Oh hell fucking no! I'm just doing some shit work for her!"

"You got to be fucking kidding me Eddy, that's almost worse! Why in the fuck are you working for her?"

"I didn't have time to find a fucking job and I wasn't about to sleep outside in mosquito central!"

"Eddy, working for her can get you sent so far up shit creek without a paddle that even I couldn't help ya. Fuckin' A, I'm surprised you're only in cuffs again now."

"Yeah, and can you get them off me? They're starting to chafe."

"Ha ha, no." Sarah did however pull Eddy off the ground, seating him down again so he could sit up. "But, because you are my boyfriend and since I like ya so much, I'm gonna have a talk with Rolf later so he can fib that you work for him as a dishwasher or something. I'll tell him it's either that or I put him in cuffs too for giving his son that asswhooping, along with God knows what else goes on in that restaurant of his. Trust me, it's a lot better for the both of us that I don't mark you down as '_Unemployed_' because that would be messy. But I do recommend that you find a real fucking job as soon as you can, for both our sakes."

"Sarah, I'm grateful that you look out for me so much, really I am," Eddy confessed, getting Sarah to give him a sly, yet sincere smile. "But if I do that, Lee kicks me off her lot and I'm homeless again!"

"Then why don't you make peace with Double-D or better yet apologize to my niece for whatever bullshit you did that made her upset?"

"Ugh… I just, I don't know what to say or do that'll make shit better. Every time I try to make things better I just end up fucking it up and make it all worse."

Sarah coughed to clear out her throat as she began to do a sardonic impression on Eddy's voice. "Oh hey Double-D, I'm sorry for being such a pig-headed idiot all these years. And June ya little bugger, I'm sorry Uncle Eddy is being a big fucking dumbass these days and made your parents and aun-uh…parents cry a lot at night!"

"Would that really work?"

"Why don't you try it and find out?"

"I think I'd rather find out a way to get Bro out of my fucking house."

"Of course you would," Sarah groaned, continuing to jot some more information down. "Alright, well, that about answers what I needed from ya. Eddy, you should really see about getting a phone again so people can actually keep in touch with you."

"I would if I had the cash to renew my phone plan again! Fuck, I wouldn't be surprised if Bro hasn't pawned off my old phone already for a pack of cigs. Still, it'd make things a lot easier if I had a smartphone again, you practically need to have one these days. Not like when we were kids and just called each other from a landline or payphone."

"I'll do some digging when I get off tonight and see if I can find an old one to lend ya," Sarah replied, nearly finished writing out her sheet.

"Oh, and when are you done working?"

"Let's see, I started at four this morning and I get off at six so… in about eight more hours?"

"Damn, you're a fucking workaholic! I was gonna see if you wanted to do something once you're off the clock, but you'll be worn out by then!"

"You have no idea how fucking overworked I am Eddy," Sarah informed her boyfriend. Upon further examination, Eddy could see the dark circles and puffy bags under her eyes. He thought a couple of her hairs were already starting to turn gray as well, but Eddy didn't dare bring that up unless he wanted another whack to his shins. "I've been working ninety hours a week doing shit that's not even a part of my pay grade. Tomorrow's my first day off in two months and as much as I'd like to spend it with you, I already got plans with the girls."

"Fuck, well alright then have fun doing girly crap tomorrow. Now about these cuffs…"

"I'm gonna let you keep 'em on. I got spares in the car, so I can afford to leave you shackled up."

"Wait, you're leaving me in these?"

"Yeah, I think you need to stay in them for a bit as a reminder."

"Reminder of what?"

"That I care." Sarah dangled the keys around her finger, giving Eddy a wide grin and wave before heading over to her patrol car. She started up her vehicle and drove off, leaving Eddy behind in her handcuffs and he stood there, dumbfounded at just what took place. The camera chumps couldn't help but snicker as Eddy began to tangle with freeing himself from his restraints, but to no avail as he screamed, growing only more infuriated as he continued to struggle.

* * *

It was two in the morning at the Old World Roadhouse, far past closing hours as Eddy was in the kitchen with his hands soaking in a tub of plant-based butter. He had been at the restaurant for sixteen hours trying to have Sarah's pink handcuffs come off him. Rolf was generous enough to let him stay after hours so the butter could work its magic and allow Eddy to slip out of the restraints, along with agreeing to lie that he worked for him. While thankful for that, Eddy had basically wasted his entire day trying to get himself free, but also figured that the past eighteen months of his life was a waste too considering he spent that time incarcerated. Having to stand around and wait for the butter to drench his hands enough to pry himself out of the cuffs made Eddy do too much reflecting for one day, and it was almost enough to drive him insane.

The camera crew watching him like buzzards didn't help much either, along with all of Rolf's family and staff eying at him throughout the day. His head bobbed back-and-forth and Eddy was forcing himself to stay awake. It was a wonder he didn't pass out yet, but that was thanks to his sheer willpower that Eddy kept going on at all.

Suddenly the butter began to bubble, causing Eddy to become alert once more. He quickly took this moment of opportunity and began to wiggle his hands around until he heard a loud "popping" sound go off. A sudden vibration from the tub of butter shook his arms hard enough to send Eddy flying into the kitchen wall, causing a ton of dishes and utensils to come crashing down on him. Although this stunned him for a bit and made Eddy look visibly concerned on Rolf getting pissed at him later for this, he did notice one thing: his hands were no longer restrained.

"HA! I'M FREE!" Eddy laughed, rubbing his wrists as the blood flow to his hands was beginning to be restored. Rolf's concoctions were the stuff of magic, with Eddy remembering the time one of Rolf's remedies cured a bad case of acne, but at the cost of temporarily shrinking his head. Thankfully there seemed to be no negative side-effects this time, with Eddy letting out a sigh of relief for that. But him and the camera crew's attention turned to hear some uncanny growls coming from the dining hall along with several tables and chairs being knocked over.

Slithering through a crack under a newly put-up kitchen door was Perry the Grunt. He popped up off the ground and trotted over to Eddy and uttered some deep croaks like a toad being squeezed.

"Oh, hey Perry. Lee sent ya? How'd you know I was still here?" Perry pulled his arms behind him and pulled out another package with a note on it. He grinded his teeth together and blew a raspberry before dropping it in front of Eddy. The Grunt then plopped down next to the door and squirmed his way back out not unlike an octopus crawling under a tight space. "You better have pulled that out of hammerspace and not your shorts!" Eddy grumbled as he picked up the letter. He read it quickly a few times over and his eyes widened a bit, and then narrowed, "What the shit? Lee must be crazy if she thinks I can move this without being…"

Eddy then eyed something next to the camera crew, growing a sly grin as he walked over to some nearby barrels. Without warning he bumped into the wooden container, spilling its contents all over Rolf's kitchen as it began to entrap the camera chumps. Eddy's personal paparazzi now found themselves stuck in an incredibly adhesive fluid, like tree sap mixed with molasses and sealant. Being unable to move as they fidgeted about, the camera chodes only grew more frustrated as the substance grew stickier the more they struggled.

"Alright boys, I got another job for Lee and it's not one for the masses to see," Eddy admitted as he stared directly at the camera, careful to avoid getting stuck in the gluey goop that covered the stone floor. "You creeps have no idea how long I've waited to do this. While bein' in cuffs all day I had a lot of time to think and look around this dump. Noticed that ol' stretch had this gunk lying around and figured it would be really good at getting you chomos off my back for a while. That shit makes the Kankers' rubber cement look like cooking spray, so I hope you fuckwads enjoy being still as statues for a few hours, ha! If I can do it, it'll be nothing for you schmucks."

After explaining his master plan as if he was a wannabe supervillain, Eddy simply picked up the package and quickly went out the door. Soon enough, the crew could hear his van's engine starting up and peeling away from the restaurant as they could do nothing about it.

Eddy had ran off and exited the scene.

* * *

**Thursday**

To put it bluntly, the camera crew fucked up. Without Eddy, they didn't have their star of the show to film anymore, and that was a big problem. After getting freed from being trapped in that mucilage all night by the time Rolf came in his restaurant to open, they knew Eddy was long gone. They ended up wandering around Peach Creek for hours, partly to find Eddy but mostly to find something they could record just to fill up time. After a while, the camera chodes decided to take some time to rest and recharge, parking their black van in the woods near the trailer park.

A few gunshots rang out and the crew focused their cameras towards Park n' Flush. High-action sounds like those translated to them as "prime filming material," so they rushed over like the content junkies they were. Of course guarding the front gate stood Frank and Sammy, armed with a rusty machete and Turkish lamp respectively. They obstructed the crew from getting any farther, until one of the camera creeps pulled out a slip of paper and handed it off to the Grunts. They slowly read it over, making gargling and lip bubble sounds as they scanned the document's content. After looking over the paperwork, Frank handed it back to the camera crew and allowed them access to the trailer park.

With that being taken care of they made their way inside the compound and soon enough, the camera chumps had a view of a shooting range where Lee, May, June, and Sarah stood around. The women were wearing earmuffs and safety goggles while being fully armed with a wide array of firearms, with the exception of June who was unarmed. However all of them were wearing sundresses with floral patterns to them: Sarah's being green with a sunflower pattern to it, Lee's the color white with red roses, May's dress having a purple color with a daisy pattern and lastly June's sundress was an orange color with lilacs on it.

"May, this isn't one of your video games! You have to hold the gun with both hands!" Sarah scolded her sister-in-law for her lack of proper trigger discipline.

"I know that! I just got itchy for a second!"

"Hey Marie, I thought this was a Girls Club." The camera crew collectively nearly shat their pants to see their boss walk up to the group with her blue-haired partner. Nazz wore a cobalt sundress with a snapdragon floral pattern while Marie's black sundress had pink carnations designed on it.

Marie snickered a little bit as she carried a SIG MPX with the serial numbers scratched off. "Uh, no Goldilocks. PCAGC stands for Peach Creek's All Guns Club."

"Then why did you tell me there's never any men around?"

"Because every dick in this podunk town is scared shitless of Lee!"

Case in point, Lee twirled her Colt Anaconda around a bit, then held it out to shoot at a handful of cardboard cutouts. The silhouette targets looked suspiciously like a familiar no-neck chump, minus some muscle. Each bullet shot either the head, heart or groin, much to no one's surprise.

"I see… so are we early?"

"Nope, this is it blondie. May brought her twerp and the fuzz with her and you're my plus one. "

June noticed the two joining the group and hopped up to them with Sarah's Glock 22 in her hands. "Hi auntie Marie and Nazz!"

"Hi there June!" Nazz greeted with an awkward wave, trying her best to smile and ignore the handgun in June's hands.

Marie messed with her niece's hair a little, getting it frizzy. "Why if it ain't my favorite and only niece. That's a nice gun ya got there you screwball. Who's dumb enough to let you carry that around?"

June giggled as she pointed at Sarah. "Aunt Sarah said I could use her gun today! Mom won't let me use hers."

May simply nodded as she used a rag to polish her Mossberg 500. "I keep telling June she can use it once she's thirteen! That's when mom let us use the family shotgun."

Lee grumbled at them as she walked up to Nazz and asked, "Did you bring your own gun ya valley girl, or are you just watching?"

Nazz shrugged as she reached into her purse and pulled out a Ruger LCP. "I did but like, I only have it for self defense."

"If you're using _that_ for self defense, you should know how to aim it."

"I _do_ know how to aim it."

Marie grabbed a couple of earmuffs and handed a pair to Nazz. "Safety first, newbie," she said with a teasing giggle. "Oh, and to earn points you need to stay behind that line." Marie pointed at a line drawn on the dirt about twenty yards from the targets.

"What do I get if I win enough points?" Nazz amorously asked, having her fingers walk up Marie's arm before having them rest on her shoulder. "Would it be some fun one-on-one when we're done, he he."

"So you did hear how Ed's fifteenth birthday party went," Marie smirked, wrapping her free arm around Nazz's waist while her submachine gun swung behind them. "Just a little pointer though: the propane tank is _not_ bonus points. It's fucking awesome to see blow up, but all the cops coming to clean-up shit an hour later, not so much."

Nazz nodded, putting the earmuffs and safety goggles on as she stood behind the crude chalk line. Taking the safety off, she aimed her pistol at one of the stout targets and with one eye closed, fired off a few rounds.

"Huh, well I'll be damned, you actually hit it," Lee commented, folding her arms as she examined the shots that hit directly in the flathead section of the target. "You lawyers striving for accuracy shouldn't surprise me though."

"Not bad for a Dumbasscrat," Sarah teased, sticking her tongue out at Nazz while sipping on a lemon drop cocktail.

"Yeah, looks like you Republicunts aren't like the only ones who can use a gun after all," Nazz jeered back at Sarah with a giggle and a wink. "Come on Marie, I wanna see you fire that thing off. I might just get a little more fired-up later seeing you blasting heat right now."

"Shit, if you keep getting me this horny I'll never focus right!" Marie exclaimed while aiming her submachine gun at the targets. "Be a doll and get me a drink. A little buzz goes a long way."

"Mom, what does 'Dumbasscrat' and 'Republicunt' mean?" June asked her mom after overhearing Nazz and Sarah's banter.

May shrugged while drinking a can of PBR Hard Coffee. "Trust me Juney, you don't wanna get involved with politics. All getting mixed up in that stuff does is gettin' you dragged into a whole heap of trouble."

* * *

The camera crew continued to record the women firing off round after round of ammunition on the targets, annihilating most of them. This went on for nearly an hour until the girls decided to take a little break. That was fine for the camera chodes, who now had enough footage of gunfire to be on-par with the average World War 2 flick. Now they could record some more dialogue as May and Marie laid down next to each other on some lounge chairs while holding their guns and a beverage.

"Hey Marie, how are you getting more viewers than me when I stream all day and you just well, on for like a few hours at night?" May asked her sister after accidentally unleashing a blast with her shotgun thanks to the safety being off. That bang was powerful enough to completely obliterate a nearby dumpster, sending tons of trash flying around the already dirty trailer park. "Oops, sorry about that Lee! It was an accident I swear!"

"Fuckin' whatever May, I'll have the Grunts clean it up later," Lee callously replied while taking a sip out of a coke and rum. The Grunts could be heard moaning and twitching in the background after being brought up in conversation, which amused the crew.

"Well you see my trigger-happy sister, all you show is just playing games when I show some skin to go with it. If you want views, you gotta start gettin' comfy with horny dudes looking at a little peak sometimes. For fuck's sake, you can cram vodka down a cat's throat on stream or broadcast kicking dogs and _Tremor_ won't do jackshit if you're bringing in the views for 'em. Then once you luck out and get some simps followin' ya you'll have cash coming in every day!"

"I'm not gonna show off my body online! That's only for my man!"

"Suit yourself May, but you're missing out on a lot of cash. I got this one simp from up north, calls himself 'T. Knucklehead' or whatever. Anyway, the guy runs a cell phone business and I gotta be a tax deductible for him at the rate he forks over money! So I made him a mod on my streams, flash him my bigass tits once a week and in-turn I get the big bucks!"

"Wow, and you're okay with that Nazz?"

"Those losers are lucky to _see_ Marie's boobs when she's feeling frisky. I can _touch_ them whenever I want!" Nazz suddenly scooped Marie's honkers and squeezed them, getting a startled, yet aroused yelp out of her girlfriend. Getting back at her for that surprise dash at second base, Marie stuck her hand up Nazz's dress and clenched her buttcheeks, causing Nazz to giggle and wriggle around like a laughing worm.

"I lucked out getting a chick who's cool with me being a slut!"

"Well as long as you don't actually fuck anyone else, I'm fine with it."

May was at a loss of words at seeing her sister and Nazz practically groping each other right in front of her. She was glad that June was more absorbed with her phone at the moment playing some gacha game. "Woah, for a limited time if I spend fifty dollars I can skip a hundred levels and get this limited-time fighter!" June yelled, which definitely got her mother's attention. "Mom, can I please—"

"Oh hell no young lady, you are _not_ using our credit card again!" May screeched, snagging the smart phone out of June's hands like a falcon dive-bombing a rabbit. "Last time you went on a lil' shopping spree playing these dumb phone games you blew three grand on _Blox Botz_ and we had to go on food stamps for months!"

"But didn't dad go on one of his sleepwalking binge-eating sprees and bring back lots of food? We had enough grub to make a grocery aisle after he gave us that badass haul!"

"We're lucky your auntie Sarah convinced the neighborhood it was a pack of black bears that nabbed everyone's food…"

Nazz then stood up and stretched after some rough-play with Marie and informed the other girls, "Hey uh, I think the drinks are starting to get to me. Where's the little lady's room?"

"You can use the toilet in my trailer or go take a leak in the woods!" Lee shouted, sitting up as she pointed at her mobile home. "Make sure you shake the handle after flushing or else the toilet overflows and makes a fuckton of mold!"

"Alright, I'll be back in a bit." Nazz gave Marie a peck on the cheek before walking off and told her girlfriend, "Don't have too much fun without me, babe!"

As Nazz wandered off outside the sights of the camera crew, Lee rolled over and set her drink down. She turned her attention over to Sarah, who was holding a beverage in one hand and her smartphone in the other. "Hey Ed's sister, seeing Marie and Nazz gettin' off on each other reminds me: you still a thing with my ex?"

Sarah set her Blind Pirate sour beer and phone down, giving a glare at Lee. The two redheads locked eyes, both shooting flaming glares at each other that burned brighter than their hair. "It's Sarah, or 'deputy' when I'm on the clock."

"Whatever, I wanna know if you're still trying to get with Eddy. Sure the guy got jacked while doing time in the clink, but he's still a loud-mouthed doughboy. Not really boyfriend material if you ask me."

"I don't gotta explain myself to you."

"Look, I get it's part of your job to be around him for all that parole crap. But it's not like you need to force yourself to care or fall for him."

"The heck are you saying Lee?"

"What, you don't like it when someone else is doin' the interrogating, heh? Look, I'm just sayin' that you can do better, cop-in-law. I'll admit, you do great at looking out for May and little June, which I'm thankful for. But throwing Eddy into the mix again is just a recipe for disaster, and we both know that. He's a lot for any woman to handle, and I'd hate to see him make ya neck yourself cause of his bullshit."

Sarah rolled her eyes. She couldn't outright admit that Lee was wrong. Eddy was definitely a hard case, and not even the challenging kind she normally liked to deal with at work. But the cop-part of her could tell Lee was trying to get her to crack as well, which she couldn't do either. Taking another sip of her sour beer, Sarah let out a burp and replied with, "Eddy can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I can deal with him. Yeah he's got his issues, but who in this town doesn't have any these days? Really, what guy around these parts is better for me?"

"Didn't you have a thing with Double-D before you hooked up with my ex?"

The other redhead blushed and looked away in shame. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Why not? I heard you two were cute together."

"Let's just say that he was too self-conscious…"

"What do you mean too self-conscious? Did he have a needledick or something?"

Marie—who was eavesdropping on Lee and Sarah's dialogue—couldn't help but begin cackling after overhearing hearing them bring up Double-D's dick. "Oh no sis, Double-D don't have no needledick! He's probably packing the biggest heat in the cul-de-sac!"

"Probably?"

"Well, he's actually one of the only guys I haven't banged in this town…" Marie confessed, unbosoming about her sex life. "It's funny cause we all know I stanned him _hard_ for years, but I could just never fuck the guy! I kinda blame my first time being with Kevin when we were teens. Could never look at that smartass the same ever since…"

"Girls, can ya knock off the sex talk while June's around!" May hollared, finally fed up with the nonstop discussions and displays of sex. "Save it for when she's out of sight and out of mind!"

"Mom, last week I walked in on you screaming, 'get that butter into my gravy boat' to dad over in the kitchen, and I know it wasn't about food from what I saw! This is tame compared to that…ugh."

June couldn't help but puke up her lunch just recalling the sight of her parents humping like bonobos on the kitchen table. May buried her head into the lounging chair as she nearly died of embarrassment while Sarah shot her sister-in-law a scornful look. Marie and Lee were trying to hold in their laughter until finally they couldn't contain it anymore and burst out cackling like hyenas. After a good chuckle for a couple of minutes Lee mumbled a bit, clearing out her throat as she tried getting her brain back to the conversation. "Okay, so maybe not Double-D. Whatever happened to ol' Dutch? Wasn't he your first fuck back as a lil' teenage shit? Don't you still talk to him?"

Sarah grumbled, crushing her beer can against her head after just hearing her childhood best friend brought up. Tossing the crumpled tin can aside, Sarah turned back at Lee and told her, "You mean Jimmy? Ever since he became a hotshot 'influencer' over in the city, he thinks he's too good for any of us. He can make all the time in the world to update his _Swiftwire, Chirper, Popgoss_ and whatever all damn day, but not even drop me a fucking text once a year. That and well… you know."

"Know what? I barely know a thing about him other than the guy being a huge crybaby."

"Fuck it, nevermind. It doesn't matter, he doesn't really matter anymore…"

"Aunt Sarah!" June called out after washing all the vomit out of her throat once she swished some coke. "Is it my turn to shoot?"

"Sure thing June, just remember the basics: always keep your firearm pointed in a safe direction, be certain of your target and always keep your trigger finger outside the guard until you're ready to shoot! Oh and if it doesn't fire when pulled, for the love of God treat my Glock like a baby made of glass and let me know so I can take a look!"

"Yes rangemaster aunt Sarah!" June saluted as Sarah properly handed her the Glock to go shooting with.

Marie watched as her niece began to fire away at the cartoony human-like targets on the range while in an exhilarated trance. She couldn't help but look over at May and ask, "Why does your kid need to use a gun when she could destroy an eighteen-wheeler with a headbutt?

"She just likes using it I guess," May shrugged. "Plus it's empowering."

"Oh yeah, like my super-fucking strong niece needs any more empowering," Lee scoffed.

"But shooting guns is fun, aunt Lee! I wanna shoot guns just like you and Sarah!"

Lee stood still for a moment, then just patted her niece's head as she continued to fire away with both fury and precision. "You just keep having fun ya little scamp, alright?"

While watching June mow down targets like she was in an action-movie, the camera crew began to realize that their boss had been gone for an abnormally long time just to use the restroom. That was when they all nearly jumped when they heard the sound of a throat clearing and turned the camera to the side where Nazz stood. She had her pistol pointed at the camera creeps as she loaded her firearm with an ammo clip.

"Hey dudes, what a surprise to see you here. Does this mean you fucked up on the _one job_ you were meant to do?"

The camera chumps couldn't help but stagger and collapse. LED lighting and the boom mic came crashing down onto the grody trailer park ground while the camera pointed up towards the pantone yellow sky. An attempt to realign the recording was made, but a loud crunching sound could be heard off-camera that prevented the footage from looking at anything but the burning bright sun.

"So let me get this straight, you guys aren't keeping an eye on Eddy and you came to me for help? That's so sweet, but also you should, like, know better. Especially because this was a personal day for me and the girls. So here's some advice: find Eddy and leave me and my friends alone or you will be replaced. Are we on the same page here dudes? Here, let me help by turning off the camera there. No need to waste battery life on anyone but Eddy, okay?"

A blank white screen abruptly appeared with a single message that read, "Camera Error. Please turn off and then on again to restart."


	6. S1E6: It's a Fucking Gaiden Episode!

**Written by Scary-Spikender**

A smoky haze covered Peach Creek this Friday morning, giving the skies an unpleasant sickly goldenrod color. The camera crew had their black van parked over by the playground as they debated on their next course of action. Eddy was still gone, and Nazz would end their existence for good if they didn't find him soon. But the camera chumps had no idea where to even begin in searching for their star. Regardless, they needed to record _something_ since they couldn't just dick around in the van all day.

Suddenly driving past them was a school bus. It was dropping kids off at their houses, and this baffled the crew. One of the camera chumps looked on their phone to see that it was roughly 9:15 AM, which made this an unusual sight. Normally kids wouldn't get out of school until the afternoon, so this made them curious. As the bus began to turn into the cul-de-sac, the camera crew decided to follow like the actual creeps they were. Of course they kept their distance and tried to hide behind some homes and other structures so no one would catch them filming.

Stepping out from the bus was June and Sassan, who walked up to their respective houses as the bus proceeded to exit the cul-de-sac. One of the camera creeps flipped a coin to determine who they'd stalk. It spun around in the air before landing on heads, which signified to the crew that it would be June they'd record. They nodded in agreement while slowly zooming in on June as she was pulling out a house key.

She unlocked the door and jittered the knob around before gracefully pushing it open in front of her, a surprising act from such a normally destructive combination of genetic material. Realizing their quarry was seconds from escaping the piercing gaze of their filming equipment, the camera crew pushed and shoved their way out of the van like the shameless paparazzi they were and dove to the asphalt next to their vehicle, their pitch black clothing making the perfect street camouflage to crawl in for a closer shot. Eventually they gave up being stealthy all together once June eased the door closed behind her and started sprinting like mad men toward the dwelling without even bothering to lock up their van, the colorful blur of the neighborhood waving about in the viewfinder due to the flurry of movement.

Taking up a hidden position under one of the windows of the home, they slowly raised their equipment and heads until they could peep inside through the sheeny glass to the living room. The cameraman adjusted the lens and June came into view standing beside the couch as her father watched a show on the boob tube and giggled from the middle seat; the television screen was suddenly blurred out since the crew couldn't afford to suffer the wrath of copyright infringement from some greedy network for recording their material.

"The way that guy's head explodes into chunks of gore from the impact always gets me right in the liver!" Ed commented to himself in a voice slightly muffled by the transparent obstruction in front of the camera; the enraptured man was entirely oblivious to the presence of his daughter standing at attention mere inches from his left leg. The tiny yet powerful girl reached out and gave a small tug at her father's moth hole ridden sweat pants and he glanced down at her. "Not now Juney, remember you have to pay attention to the teacher to make mommy proud that you did better than daddy in school," he said sternly before reforming a grin on his face and staring back to his show. He whipped his head back down to his miniscule progeny and he gave an expression of confusion as if he realized there were no school teachers scheduled to homeschool his daughter.

"You're worse than me when my eyes glaze over after I hit that fifteen killstreak in 'Battleyard Royale: Domestic Headshots,' dad!" June said in admiration, her dad fumbling his hands around in the couch cushions until he found the remote and clicked the television off. "I don't know why you turned off the teevee, I really like the splatter effects in that show too!"

"The show had to take a nap so I could remember to ask you a question that I will now remember," Ed replied with clarity before taking in a breath and releasing it. "Did school let out early or did the time fly when I was being a working man and watering my crops?" The camera crew did a shuffle to the right to get a better angle as Ed lifted his daughter and sat her on his lap.

"Those fucking cooks at school forgot to clean the grease out between the burners—again—and the school is on fire... again," June explained to an absolutely unsurprised Ed.

"Sure glad I did not waste my minutes filling out that volunteer firefighter application, I would hate to be in their rubber shoes right now," Ed said in relief before mushing his lips together in thought. "With the amazing sights and shattering sounds of our picture box now quieted, my head is filled with the sinewy muscles and loud mouth of your dear missing uncle Eddy," he said before standing up and catching June in his arms before she slid off his knee.

"Are we gonna go for a walk around town? Mom's not here to watch over me so if you're trying to search for my fuck up of an uncle then I gotta stick to your leg like a pissed off kitty-cat!" June wondered aloud to her father.

"I was gonna phone around the neighborhood to ask about my missing pal, but doing it in person would make this plot twice as effective and hilarious," Ed told his daughter before lifting her onto his shoulders to serve as June's chariot. "We should gather allies in our quest like in a swashbuckling adventure movie, for as we need all the eyes, ears and noses we can get!" The six foot tall man began toward the entrance to his house and the camera cruds lowered to the ground outside the window as Ed exited his house, his daughter ducking under the top of the door frame. After locking up, the two set off across the cul-de-sac and the camera started a slow tracking shot on June as she whipped her head around to search for recruits.

* * *

**Cul-De-Sac Boys Season 1 - Episode 6**

**"It's a Fucking Gaiden Episode!"**

* * *

Leaning around the front corner of Jonny's house, the camera creatures steadied their recording devices to capture Ed and June approaching the man of the house, who was still immobilized in the garage wall with Plank nearby to watch over him. Jonny reached into one of the nearby holes and retrieved a granola bar before taking a bite into it. "Heya Ed and long time no see, June! Did you guys come to take over Plank's shift so he can go use the bathroom?"

"We have no time for unpaid internships Jonny, we have come seeking followers to hunt down Eddy and return him to our sides where he belongs!" Ed explained to the bald wall weasel as his daughter hopped down from his shoulders and examined Plank.

"Some friend this block of wood is, he didn't even punch a hole in the wall for you to tinkle in," June pointed out.

"Aw don't worry about that, there's a bucket on the other side of the wall for me to do that kinda business in!" Jonny replied before taking another chunk out of his granola treat. "When it comes to the Eddy thing, I can keep a look out for him around here but I haven't been taking any trips around town if ya haven't noticed!" Wasting no time, Ed reached over and yanked Jonny out of the wall before setting him down on his feet. "Wow... it was that easy, huh?" he asked in a sudden dreary tone.

"Easier done than said," Ed answered confidently as his daughter tilted her head up to examine Jonny's hairdo.

"Do we really have to walk around in public with him, dad? Can't we split up for the big search party?" the youngin questioned her dad.

"Even a guy like me can't miss a man the size of Eddy so we can stick together like all good gangs should," Ed reasoned before taking his daughter's hand and turning around, Jonny reaching over and plucking Plank from his resting spot.

"Plank says the joke's on you dumbasses, we ain't moving a muscle to do Eddy any favors since Plank loves it when that felon's missing in action!" Jonny stated before stuffing the rest of his snack down his gullet. "I don't agree with any of it but if I called the shots I would've been a free man days ago!"

"That was until your little friend got a whiff of this," Ed said to Jonny before reaching into his jacket and retrieving a fine fat morsel of the green bud wrapped between paper to present to him. "Roll with us and you can stick that roll in your mouth."

"Sorry Plank, but if there's one thing that speaks louder than you, it's this!" Jonny cheered before planting Ed's gift between his lips and lighting it up in one quick motion so fast that you'd have to slow down the recording to understand how he did it. "Let's go find us an Eddy while I get sky high!"

The newly minted search partners began to walk toward the camera circus so they hid back around the corner and followed them with the camera as they walked by. The camera chodes gave thumbs up to each other now that someone else was doing all the work to find Eddy for them so they could take it easy by trailing them like some vicious serial killers waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

* * *

The camera slid back and forth on the surface of a finely crafted pine table near a window seat at the Old World Roadhouse before focusing in on Ed and June sitting at a table in the center of the restaurant, the father-daughter duo busy chowing down on steaming breakfast bowls of bacon, egg, and fish row goulash seasoned with basil and bathed in a sweet tomato sauce. The camera cluckheads were signaling among themselves about being starving but not being desperate enough to enjoy anything on the menu because they're picky eaters who wouldn't lower their already bottom of the barrel standards.

"This is why Sassan blew up into a fucking overfilled water balloon," June said to her father beside her, chunks of food dribbling out of her mouth and falling all over her seat and onto the wooden planks of the pine floor. "His daddy knows how to cook breakfast right for growing kids like us."

"Are you being a big downer on mommy and daddy's cooking again, June?" Ed asked while obviously as high as a military satellite. Sloppy food projectiles fired from his mouth across the table and some of it spattered on a cobblestone wall several yards away.

"No way, I love those whip cream and strawberry waffle sandwiches you and mom make, but this is the fuel I need so I don't rage quit if we find uncle Eddy and he pisses me off again," June answered before shoveling more of the delicious gruel into her gullet. Rolf—the gruff yet amicable owner of the establishment—approached the pair from another table after finishing taking orders from a pack of preppy college students and gave a wide grin as he observed them digging deep into their bowls.

"Ah, it is always pleasing to witness the two best consumers of Rolf's cuisine pack their innards with a hearty hump from the smorgasbord of the breakfast selection!" Rolf declared happily to his patrons while leaning a well-worn calloused hand against the table edge, a stack of menus crafted from parchment paper stretched inside wrought iron frames tucked under his other arm. His elation turned to a moment of suspicion when he glanced at an empty chair at the table. "Where has he-who-boards-with-a-board run off to? Should Rolf fetch the broom to shoo Jonny out of the pissing facilities before he fills it with the illegal stink of ganja sticks once more?"

"Jonny said Plank needed to pick up some equipment on layaway from Boyd, but don't worry Rolf—I took care of his bowl before it got cold," Ed replied before flicking an empty bowl next to him with a clink.

"Where are your other kids at right now? Other than Sassan, he's probably stuck between the front door frame of your house back in the cul-de-sac right now," June asked Rolf, who stroked his self-groomed beard in thought.

"Boyd occupies himself unloading fresh puffer fish and carrots from cold storage for luncheon, while Rolf's daughters face arduous labor on the family farm sowing the fields, young one," Rolf answered before shooting a frustrated glance across the room directly at the camera. Before anything could come of his annoyance, the heavy stained oak doors of the kitchen flipped open across the restaurant and Jonny walked out with Plank in his arms and bundles of heat lamps wrapped around him with their cable wiring from head to toe.

"Those are loaners Lanky J, so don't go bustin' them up or my pops is gonna bust me up," Boyd ordered as he stuck his head out from the back kitchen, wafts of steam billowing out from behind him and into the open-air of the dining area. Ed and June dropped their hand-smithed steel forks into their bowls before joining Rolf in staring at Jonny, who clanked up to them and gave them a half-lidded grin.

"Pardon Rolf for his doubt in one so dead-in-the-head such as yourself, Jonny the wood boy, but why has Boyd strangled your body with Rolf's infernal incandescents?" Rolf interrogated the swaying rail-thin man.

"Boyd gave us this rad stuff to help Plank out with our herbal gardening project! I can't touch Ed's growing skills but my buddy here might have a shot at growing something better than straight up skunk grass!" Jonny answered as he shot a foot out to the side to stop himself from falling backward on his ass.

"So too shall Rolf lend you his assistance!" Rolf claimed before grabbing hold of one end of the twisted electrical wires coiled around Jonny. He brought it over to an outlet on the front counter before unscrewing it open with his fingernail and sticking the wires inside the panel.

"Hot skin burns!" Jonny screamed like a totally zonked moron as his body was pumped full of powerful waves of electricity, even the wooden frame of Plank not being enough to save him from the painful currents coursing through his body. The heat lamps hanging off of him blinked to life and began boiling his skin with their burning luminescence. The suffering man tumbled to the floorboards and began spinning around in place while crying in agonizing terror, the patrons of the restaurant paying him no mind since this was the typical method Rolf used to deal with misbehaving customers and it was Jonny anyway so no one really cared.

"Ho ho, the thieving muskrat sizzles at twice the pace of the tab-skimping manfool Eddy!" Rolf cheered as Plank flew from a shrieking Jonny's grasp and landed in June's hands.

"Breakfast and a free light show, you're such a great host, Rolf!" Ed cheered before stuffing his hand into his pocket and ruffling around. "Here's the big payout for treating us so well!" Ed stated as he forked over a wad of bills into Rolf's hand.

"Ed boy, this is three times what your feasting bill asks!" Rolf exclaimed to Ed in shock as he ran his finger through the small stack of twenties.

"Keep the change! We gotta get movin' or Jonny's gonna be in too much torment to help us find my convicted—but never conflicted chum—Eddy," Ed explained, Rolf giving him a rough pat on the shoulder.

"You may keep watch over Rolf's heat lamps as well! You may possess only a quarter of the brain a blackcurrant-counting bureaucrat has Ed boy, but the burden of child rearing has given you the sense of responsibility Jonny the burned man could never hope to achieve!" Rolf said to him before turning away to store the payment in the register till.

"Even though I love playing around on the floor while screaming, we should get going," Ed said before yanking the electric wires free of the outlet to cease Jonny's punishment. He heaved Jonny's crispy, yet somehow still living body over his shoulder before walking toward the exit.

"This board is such a fucking wimp, he won't stop crying about how jealous Jonny will be if I don't give him back!" June complained as she carried Plank and followed her father. The camera crew vacated their seats while Rolf was distracted counting his money and made for the exit as well so they wouldn't lose their guest stars in the trail of blinding smoke billowing from the still-lit fire raging through Jonny's dreadlocks.

* * *

A rusty chain link fence whipped across the camera lens as the camera cuddlers rounded it and ducked behind the hood of a beat up '94 Chevrolet Cavalier. The view centered on Ed leading June by the hand toward a strip club with a blinking neon-sign that read _Sultry Skidmarks Gentlemen's Club_. Jonny followed them with Plank in hand, with the heat lamps still strung around his body while he was smoking a fat joint between his lips to help Jonny fight the pain inflicted earlier without wasting time visiting a hospital. Muffled erotic rock songs could be heard playing from within the moldy brick walls of the establishment and all sorts of low life scum hung around the cars in the lot while chatting up women dressed in thrift store-grade unmentionables with leather jackets or hoodies pulled around them. The camera chode with the boom mic arced it over the hood of the car they hid behind as the group of Eddy-hunters approached a broad-shouldered suited-up doorman with a shaved head and crooked teeth.

"Hey there trustworthy door-guarding lad, have you seen a big and tall convict who loves to swear a lot hanging 'round these parts?" Ed questioned the doorman as he, June and Jonny stopped at the end of the awning stretching out from over the entrance to the strip club. The doorman seemed befuddled for a moment before gesturing over to the throngs of people standing around their cars.

"Take your pick, boss. I won't lose sleep over you dragging any of these assholes away from this establishment," the doorman answered, with Ed and his companions looking over at the myriad assortment of losers conversing with bored day-shift strippers.

"Yo Plank, there's our old roomie over there!" Jonny pointed out when he spotted a familiar woman with a blue and pink faux-hawk wearing the little amount of cloth she called her work outfit. The woman turned away from the grimey man who smelled of pork rinds she was letting hit on her before gawking.

"Holy shit, what are all of you doing out here?" Marie asked before leaving her mark behind and approaching the group. She drew in a deep inhale of her menthol-flavor Oldport brand cigarette before stopping next to one of the support beams of the awning. "And ain't May's cute little brat supposed to be in school right now?" Marie added as she gave a small wave and smile to her niece, who returned the good graces of the chunky stripper with a wave of her own.

"The school went up in a plume of fire again so class is out!" June answered, Marie nodding knowingly before looking up at her father.

"So why'd you come here with June then, big Ed?" Marie asked as she stomped her cig out, rubbing it against the asphalt with her heel. "May ain't making your snake elongate down there?"

"My underwear snake is happy to hear you care, but we're out for a day on the town searching for Eddy. Our mutual pal Jonny here said Eddy might be lonely, so we came to the place where companionless former criminals go when they want some company," Ed explained to Marie, who gave a small chuckle.

"Right, mutual pal..." Marie practically whispered before shooting a sideways glance at the bandana-wearing boy with the smokey dreads. "Well I hate to tell you this Ed, but most of the fellas out here right now are active criminals," she said while crossing her arms over her the pasties covering her nips, suddenly feeling kind of awkward showing off most of her bare breasts to her sister's daughter. "I've been a lil distracted on my smoke break keeping good company with the customers, but I'm pretty sure I would've noticed that giant motherfucker Eddy going inside for some fun."

"That's alright, we can go inside and make double sure he isn't sitting in a dark corner knocking back brewskies!" Ed answered before turning toward the doorman to get patted down.

"Are you fucking nuts, Ed? You can't bring June in here to watch me work!" Marie protested before throwing an arm between Ed and the doorman.

"Right you are, Marie, it would be very unwise to expose my Juney to the horrors of your flabby midsection and gyrating thighs," Ed answered, Marie cocking an eyebrow.

"What? No that would actually be a helpful life lesson for her; I just don't want May going all naggy mother mode on me, alright?" Marie said as she jabbed a finger in Ed's face.

"What about this door dude right here? Can't he watch over Ed's kid while we go inside for lunch?" Jonny asked while patting his growling stomach. "You wolfed down my chow at Rolf's so now me and Plank are itching for Chinese cuisine!" he whined to Ed, who stroked the smooth spot on his face where there was no chin before turning back to the doorman.

"Do you mind watching over my June while we conduct a search of the premises?" Ed asked the doorman, who gave a shrug.

"Trust me boss, you ain't the first dumbass who asked me to watch their kids while they went inside to ogle tits and ass," the doorman revealed before motioning for June to join him at his side. June crossed her arms and stood next to him before mean mugging at everyone in the parking lot.

"None of these shit-eaters are gonna have an easy time with me working the front door with you," June growled before giving a death glare to some greasy old man in a sweater vest, who ducked into the driver seat of his 2002 Range Rover SUV in terror.

"Shit kid, you might have a future kicking drunk bastards out of dive bars," the doorman admitted before patting down Ed and Jonny, Marie standing to the side and grinning like a giddy kid on Christmas.

"Fuck yes! I never thought I'd be happy to have you two pay me an on-the-job visit, not one of these skeezers are giving any tips so you guys are gonna make this the first day-shift that's actually worth a damn!" Marie exclaimed before running over to the front door to hold it open for the two slow-minded customers.

"Mayhap I will throw a morsel your way after I'm done crawling under the tables during my search, Marie," Ed answered as he and Jonny began inside, Marie quickly following in behind the pair.

* * *

The camera crew wormed their way in between rusty junkers and shoved aside skeevy strip club patrons before running over to a side exit for employees and lying in wait like a pack of hyenas about to feast upon the corpse of a zebra in the savanna. They flipped into action when a rail-thin stripper wearing cow-pattern lingerie stepped out of the steel-door exit with a pack of Oldports in her hand. The camera cocksucker with the LED lighting thrust a chloroform rag over her mouth to silence her screams until she passed out and the audio engineer grabbed hold of her before dragging her motionless body over to a cigarette butt stand. Quickly zip-tying her to it, the lighting chump held the door open behind them so they could make their unscrupulous entrance.

After swiping the knocked out stripper's box of Oldports, the daringly dingy crew slipped inside and hot-stepped with the quickness through the private lounge for dancers and sneaked into the stage area of the strip club. They took their positions in a large round corner booth before swinging the camera around to get a good view of the dimly-lit room. In the center was a stage with room for two dancers to perform on poles and at the back was an extended bar with wood paneling. A female bartender wearing a red and black corset was standing behind it, the bored woman mindlessly wiping mugs clean of beer residue with a soggy rag. The walls of the stage area were lined with mirrors in most spots so strippers could admire themselves while performing, and any sections without reflective surfaces had strange paintings of women posing with their tits poking out or picture frames with panties squeezed inside of them. Though most of the tables lining the sides of the room were empty, there were a few guys taking a load off for their lunch break hanging around and feasting on chicken wings drowned in barbecue sauce.

"Right this way to the main stage Ed; I'll put on a show just for you as long as you don't breathe a word of this to May," Marie said alluringly as she led Ed over to a comfortable red chair by the stage and helped him sit down. "Actually to hell with it, you can even tell her if you want. I would love to hear all about how jealous she gets—I really get a kick out of seeing her get red in the cheeks," she teased before strutting over to a small staircase that led onto the platform in front of Ed.

"If you show me some of your best dance moves, maybe I can pass them onto May to make playtime before bedtime even funner," Ed thought aloud as Marie wrapped her fingers around the pole in front of him.

"You really should, my sister is probably a total airhead in bed," Marie joked back before pulling herself off of the ground and wrapping her legs around the pole. She turned herself upside-down and did a handstand with her chunky asscheeks resting against the pole and grinned at Ed. "What do ya think of this, big guy?"

"I'm definitely gonna show May that one, hopefully she doesn't bust her head against the bed frame doing it," Ed answered before sliding a one dollar bill onto the stage. "Speaking of blonde women that we are in loving relationships with, do ya think Nazz knows where Eddy is at? She is his big lawyer lady, after all."

"It wouldn't fucking surprise me considering she has that shitty mob of camera hogs following him everywhere, but we don't spend much time talking about him. Nazz hates it when I ask her about work, so I don't have a fucking clue if she knows where Eddy's at," Marie explained before falling forward onto her knees in front of Ed and peeking over her shoulder at him. "Feel free to slide another dollar my way to keep this show going strong, Ed!"

* * *

Meanwhile in the other corner of the club, Jonny took a seat on a stool next to the bar, greeting the bartender with, "Hiya there, me and Plank are here to pick up the spring rolls and wonton soup we called in!" The woman stopped swiping a rag across a glass and gave him a grimace.

"If you want chicken wings, we got 'em, you shithead. We don't have any 'one ton' or 'spring burritos' in this joint," she barked back to him from over the low-grade erotic dance music.

"But you said on the phone the order would be ready in fifteen minutes!" Jonny complained before slapping Plank against the bartop to drive home his point.

"Listen, I don't know shit about any Chinese food or why you've got hot as fuck kitchen lamps strapped to you, but stop badgering me if you're not gonna grab a beer," the bartender said resolutely to a searing Jonny with an empty stomach.

"Then who should I ask about my pick up? Plank wants to know if you guys have a drive through we should check with!" Jonny said before passing his half-smoked joint over to her. "Take a hit of that if it will help jog your memory about the food, I really need it right now!"

"Did you seriously bring a fucking joint in here instead of smoking it in the VIP room? What the fuck is Brian doing out front that he didn't see this?" the bartender said in shock as she studied the joint, obviously tempted to start smoking it herself.

"If Brian's that guy at the door, he's busy watching my buddy Ed's kid! She's a real handful so I guess he didn't mind letting me inside with somethin' that should be legal anyhow!" Jonny explained as the bartender dropped all resistance and took a drag on the joint.

* * *

"You like this, don'tcha big Ed?" Marie loudly teased, with the camera crew paying attention to her again as she held onto the stripper pole and waved her ass around in the air before a stupified Ed. "If you do like it, throw a fucking dollar already or this is a waste of my best moves!"

"Oh I don't have any more of those, I used them all up when I paid the cover charge for me, Jonny, and Plank at the front desk," Ed informed the dirty dancing woman, causing her to immediately stop her gyrating ass cheeks.

"Not even a fucking dollar left in your pocket?" Marie asked in shock before leaving her post and kneeling next to Ed and trying to shove her hands in his pockets.

"Not a bloody red cent, Marie. I left the rest of the profits from my farming operation back home where they are safely under lock and key!" Ed explained, Marie's face now flush through and through as she confirmed his pants were empty of all possible monetary gain.

"Way to make my day-shift a load of day-shit! You might be married to my sister, but that doesn't mean you get freebies outta me!" Marie seethed with greedy fury. "See that ATM by the bar, dumbass? If you don't get your ass over there and get me some money, I'll have you and my old fuck-around of a roommate kicked out by the guards!" she yelled in Ed's face, catching the attention of security staff hanging around the entrance. They began to move toward the pissed off stripper shaking Ed back and forth by his collar, but stopped half-way when a commotion sprung to life near the bar.

"Gimme back my joint or Plank is bringing one ungroovy smackdown across your forehead!" Jonny shouted as he began swinging his wooden friend at the bartender's head, who yelped in fright and threw the burning joint at him. It missed Jonny by inches as he stumbled off the barstool and got it tangled up in his heating lamp wires. He whipped around on the floor and the stool was sent sailing across the stage area. The joint flicked against the back of a fat trucker's head and burned a hole right through his baseball cap, while the flying stool bashed against the chest of a street punk with a buzzcut and baseball jersey on.

"Who the fuck did that?" the trucker demanded to know as he stood up from his seat and tore the smokey cap from his head.

"It was that asshole over there that you threw a stool at!" the bartender cried before hiding behind the counter. Within seconds, the trucker and the street punk were throwing fists, kicks, and chairs at each other, sending the once calm strip joint into a frenzy of chaos. Security staff jumped into the brawl and began doling out haymakers at the two adrenaline-filled patrons.

"Plank says we gotta bounce, Ed!" Jonny pleaded as he ran over to Ed and Marie, electrical wires dragging behind him across the off-color red carpeting that covered the floor. "These cheapskates won't fork over my darn Chinese food and I don't wanna get my head caved in a wall again!"

"You two scatterbrains aren't going anywhere until I get my damn payday outta you!" Marie shot back before leaping across the stage with her hands out to try and strangle Jonny. Ed grabbed a loose electrical wire and yanked Jonny to pull him over, Marie tumbling off the stage and slamming her face against the carpet.

"Plank is on the money this time, Jonny—the customers are brawling, Marie is falling, and the hunt for Eddy is calling!" Ed declared before pulling the electrical cord and hauling Jonny across the carpet, who crouched down and rode on Plank like he was as a skateboard without wheels. The two of them made for the front door and the camera crew pursued them with haste, using the chaos of the brawling staff and patrons as a cover so they didn't attract any attention.

* * *

The camera cads trailed several yards behind Ed and his traveling companions as they took their sweet time walking up the sidewalk in town away from the mess they made at the strip club. They halted when their prey stopped beside a pharmacy, prompting the crew to hide inside of a bus shelter to continue their filming unnoticed.

"Didya have a good time patting down folks while me and Jonny scoped out the interior?" Ed asked his daughter as she crushed a pack of Oldports in her hand and threw them to the ground before stomping on them.

"Yeah and I saved a lot of those big creeps from lung cancer while I was at it!" June replied to her father as Jonny whipped his head around nervously.

"Man I really think we should get off this street, I don't know how good the security cams in that joint were, but I don't wanna be around here if they caught me or Plank's faces!" Jonny whined while blocking the still humming ray of a heat lamp with Plank's body to protect his artificial sunburn from getting worse.

"Maybe we should catch a bus to Apple Lake City and see if Eddy went there to have a meeting with the ace attorney Nazz," Ed suggested as he pointed over to the bus shelter, causing the camera crew to bunch up inside of it so they weren't spotted. Ed and his finder friends jumped a bit when a patrol car belonging to the Peach Creek Sheriff Department squawked and rounded the corner before slowing to a stop next to the curb in front of them.

"What are you and Jonny doing hanging around this scummy street with June, Ed?" Sarah interrogated after rolling down the passenger side window on her vehicle. "There's nothing but trouble around here so I don't need the possibility of June getting abducted on my mind while I'm out watching for signs of trouble," she added with a tinge of concerned anger in her voice.

"Don't be a silly sister with me, Sarah. Do you even know any criminals in Peach Creek that could take on June?" Ed asked as he leaned down to peak through the window at his younger sister.

"No, but unlike you, I also don't want any of them to sue you if she body slams them through a storefront window," Sarah retorted before resting a hand on her steering wheel.

"Aren't you going to ask me why the fuck I'm out here when I'm supposed to be at school, aunt Sarah?" June asked as she lifted her foot from the pack of cigarettes pancaked on the cracked sidewalk.

"I already know all about the school catching on fire, I was over there earlier to keep the staff from running back inside to try and save their lesson plans for the year," Sarah said in as sweet a tone as she could muster for the sake of her niece. "Those teachers need to stop being lazy and use their free time to just write some new ones."

"If you need a break from saving the day, then how about you play with June while me and Jonny plot out where we're off to next!" Ed offered before grabbing June under her arms and rounding the front of Sarah's patrol car. Sarah rolled down the driver's side window and gave an honest to God happy smile as he lifted June up to her.

"Talking to June would cheer me up, but you two better take her somewhere better than this dump when you leave," Sarah demanded before grabbing hold of June through the window. Ed walked over to Jonny to scheme their next destination so his sister could enjoy a bit of play time with her niece. "Still staying tough like your aunt or do we need to have a noogie fight to harden you back up?" she asked June, who punched her across the face in response.

"Was that tough enough, aunt Sarah?" June asked her aunt, who gave her a wide grin.

"Yep, that hurt a whole lot, so you're doing me proud!" Sarah replied with swelling pride and a swollen jaw. The radio in the patrol car beeped on and someone from the control room began speaking in garbled law enforcement jargon that no one present except for Sarah could understand. "Shit, there's shots fired down at that greasebucket loser's club Sultry Skidmarks! I better get rolling over there to beat some ass while you guys get June to safety!" she said quickly before dropping June and turning back to the dashboard. Sarah didn't notice that June had clamped her hands down around the open window of her patrol car as she shifted into gear and switched on her lights and sirens.

"Hold on Sarah, you've got an innocent child caught on your door!" Ed cried as the car began moving away. He leaped behind the vehicle and stuck his fingers onto the spoiler on the trunk of the patrol car and held on tight, causing the axels to burn squealing rubber against the asphalt. "Let go of the door Juney, or you're getting taken for a life-or-death spin!" Ed demanded, June quickly following his orders before the tread on the tires were worn down more than they already were.

"June is safe so let go of my damn car before I haul you in for vandalizing government property!" Sarah screamed out the window.

"Whatever you say, Sarah!" Ed yelled back before letting go of the spoiler. Sarah shrieked in surprise when her car blazed down the road away from them so fast that it left burning tire tracks for hundreds of feet.

"Plank just gave you a big compliment for getting rid of Sarah before she smelled how bad we reek of reefer!" Jonny said in relief as Ed scooped his child out of the road and returned to the sidewalk.

"Tell Plank it was nothing, I've got tons of ways to make Sarah want to leave me in the dust," Ed replied before setting June down in front of him. "We better get over to McGee's Motors like we agreed before Sarah finishes that call and tries to bill me for damages," he suggested before leading them toward the bus shelter, the camera floozies climbing under the benches inside for safety from prying eyes. They began filming the backs of Ed, June, and Jonny's legs when they sat down on the benches overhead, capturing a half hour of golden footage of feet being kicked back and forth while the trio sat in silence while waiting for the next bus.

* * *

The camera whirred to life as the camera clunkers walked between cars on the front lot of McGee's Motors, the cameraman keeping a steady shot on Ed, June, and Jonny as they stopped outside the entrance. The trio turned their heads to face the camera and the camera cumbrains ducked behind a used car like the gutless cowards they were, afraid they had been spotted.

"Alrighty, enough of the meaty mind games! Mister camera and his three weird slaves can finally come out into the open to join the Eddy hunt!" Ed declared loudly, the camera bozos standing up from their hiding spot. They could be heard sighing with relief from behind the camera, all of them finding a sort of solace in the fact that they were discovered and could finally quit shoving themselves into insane situations to stay hidden. "I could tell you guys were following us the whole time, by the way! The rancid scent of three-weeks unwashed undies is one very familiar to this little nose of mine!" Ed revealed as the camera crew got into position to finally resume normal shooting procedures.

"I was wondering when you'd finally tell these strange fuckaroos the jig was up before it even began, dad," June said harshly before balling up a fist and holding it up to the camera, the camera jittering around a bit as the crew backed off a few inches.

"Why in the world would Eddy come to McGee's Motors? Doesn't he have a huge problem with his Bro running everything?" Jonny questioned while holding Plank against the glass of the front door to take a sneak peak inside. "Plank says Eddy might be a hotheaded bitch, but getting in a huge fist fight with his brother to violate his parole to hell and back seems too far out in crazy town even for him!"

"If I know my pal Eddy, he doesn't know why he does crazy shit either," Ed laughed out, Jonny suddenly withdrawing Plank from the door and backing up to his side.

"Oh boy, Plank says the big man himself is coming out to play!" Jonny stated as a person approached from inside McGee's Motors. The entrance swung open and Eddy's Brother stopped in between the doors with a grimace. He ran his eyes across Ed, Jonny, and June before landing his gaze on the camera jack-offs.

"You don't have to say a damn thing, I already know why you're all stoppin' by for a chat,'' Bro claimed before lowering his shades and twisting his scowl into the cruelest grin he could muster. "Pipsqueak ain't screwing things up around here, so you groupies of his can fuck off back to the cul-de-sac. Maybe you can take that squirt over there to the playground so she can enjoy her childhood instead of becoming the neighborhood's little bitch like Eddy did when he was a kid," Bro recommended while jabbing a thumb over at June and shifting his shades back over his eyes.

"Wow, how did you know uncle Eddy was everyone's bitch? From what mom and dad told me, you weren't around for all that," June asked curiously, Bro giving a smug as fuck chuckle in response.

"Your dad didn't fill you in enough then, kid. They sent me a fucking video tape of their neighbors abusing pipsqueak like a fucking chew-toy. I have a few copies on VHS if you ever want to check it out for a quick laugh," Bro replied before slapping his knee and snickering profusely.

"That day was the best, I even got to swallow a camera whole and let it take a swim in my stomach acid," Ed added, the camera fuckers backing up another few inches since they had no idea Ed had a decades old taste for recording equipment.

The door of a refurbished car swung open from nearby in the lot, and the camera whirled to the side to reveal Kevin stepping out from inside. He held a clean red toolbox in his hand and stared over at the group with an exasperated expression.

"What are those creeps doing back here?" Kevin quizzed before flicking off the camera from afar.

"Don't worry about these little shits, they're about to leave now that they know for sure pipsqueak ain't causin' trouble in my shop," Bro answered before anyone else could, finally stepping out from the door and letting it swing shut behind him.

"Away we shall go Eddy's Bro, but not until Q and A with Kevin has ended!" Ed declared before charging over to Kevin's side.

"What's going on, dude? Are you really out searching for Eddy?" Kevin asked Ed as he stopped next to him, clearly wanting to get this over with so the camera crew would leave but also trying not to be an asshole like Bro was being about it.

"We were but the trail never even got hot!" Ed said as Kevin stepped away from the open car door and rested a palm on Ed's shoulder.

"That's tough, but hear me out on this, Ed. You're one of his best friends, so you should know as well as I do that Eddy's going through a lot of shit, man. I don't even know if he wants to be found right now, so if I was you I'd lay off trying to find him. He'll come back around eventually and you can stop all this worrying about him," Kevin explained steadily, Ed taking in a large breath before releasing it.

"You're probably right, but at least I had fun with Juney while the hunt lasted," Ed said to comfort himself, Kevin nodding at him reassuringly.

"This sappy bullshit is real sweet, but I don't remember paying a camera crew to film an advert for my business. So now that everyone's sure pipsqueak made like a ghost and fucked off to haunt a crack house somewhere while crying his eyes out, you can all hit the road so Kevin can work in peace. You all with me?" Bro ordered harshly while pointing at the group.

"Me and Plank are all about splittin' from this downer of a hangout spot! We'll go catch the bus right now so we can take this party back home!" Jonny announced before clanking his heat lamps over to the car Kevin climbed out of.

"That's not the bus, Jonny, that's a fucking ride I'm working on—so that means you need to back off before you piss me off," Kevin simmered as a deep anger rose out of him from seemingly nowhere. Jonny halted with his hand inches from the door, his wide eyes fixated on the mechanic. Everyone's attention was pulled away from the possible conflict when the sound of police sirens could be heard approaching from up the street.

"Ya didn't call the coppers out here to kick us out of McGee's Motors, didya?" Ed asked over at Bro, who seemed just as confused as the rest of them. Jonny raised Plank to his ear, and gave a manic grin before sliding into the passenger seat of the car while Kevin was looking up the street and releasing the emergency brake before yanking hard on the gear shift to change it into neutral.

"Shit man, I can hear fucking gun shots from here," Kevin mumbled as his breathing became heavy and he backed right into Ed, who steadied the man by his shoulders.

The group watched as a cherry red '70 Cadillac De Ville raced down the street toward the front of the shop as several police cars with sirens blaring were following behind it. A punk in a baseball jersey stuck his arm out the window of the Cadillac and aimed a nine millimeter Hi-Point pistol back toward his pursuers before popping off a few shots.

"Fuckin' A, I don't need that type of shit rolling anywhere near the shop today," Bro complained before he and June stepped away from the entrance to join the others, the camera crew quickly following behind them to catch it all on film.

"Our lucky day Plank, there ain't no bus fare on this ride!" Jonny cheered from beside them as the car he sneaked into began rolling down the lot and toward the exit to the main street.

"What the hell did I just say to you, Jonny?" Kevin shouted before running after the vehicle as fast as he could manage. He tried to grab onto the car door but tripped and fell onto his hands and knees as it rolled right into the warpath of the rapidly approaching vehicles. The rest of the group braced themselves as it slowed to a halt and the Cadillac continued to barrel toward it with no signs of stopping, the driver too distracted trying to score a few hits on the police tailing him to pay attention to the road.

"Woo buddy, I sure did fuck up didn't I?" Jonny said blankly as the Cadillac prepared to hit the car he was in at full ramming speed. "What do ya mean what else is new?" he asked Plank in offense. Before Jonny could get a reply from the grinning plywood, he was sent crashing through the driver window by the impact from the Cadillac's frontend and was launched through the windshield of a station wagon sitting near the front of the auto shop lot.

The punk driving the Cadillac was actually wearing his seat belt like a responsible driver, so his body was rocked violently back and forth by the crash but he remained in his seat. Shards of glass rained over him as his foot hit the brake far too late and the now devastated frontend lost the hood. The hood arced over the vehicle before landing on top of the trunk, the police cars skidding to a halt right behind him.

"This is gonna be sweet!" Ed cheered as his companions nodded, even Bro agreeing as he lowered his shades in so much excitement that he didn't even give a shit about Jonny wrecking two of his vehicles at the same time.

"Get out the fucking car and prepare for the sting of justice, motherfucker!" Sarah screamed as she climbed out of her vehicle and sprinted toward the smoking wreck of a Cadillac in a furious rush. Other law enforcement officers popped from their vehicles and ran over with tasers and batons at the ready. Sarah didn't even bother drawing any weapons and instead ripped the whole driver door off the hinges of the perp's vehicle and threw it aside before clawing into the punk's shirt with her fingers and pulling him out, the seat belt still wrapped around his neck and strangling the life out of him.

"Stop resisting arrest, asshole!" a male officer yelled before clubbing the punk over the head while he was getting turned into human mulch in Sarah's vicious hands. Soon enough the seat belt snapped free of the car and Sarah hauled the punk down to the ground where she and her coworkers took turns clubbing and kicking him into street meat.

"Are you guys enjoying this show as much as I am right now?" Ed directly asked the camera crew with an ear-to-ear grin, who were all too stunned with dark pleasure at watching someone other than themselves get dumped on by the horrible karmic fate of life.

* * *

Taking up Eddy's Bro on his suggestion, Ed and Jonny had taken June to the abandoned playground to cool off for a bit to help get over the rush of watching Sarah and her fellow deputies ground a criminal into chunks too tiny to even make a burger patty out of. The camera crew briefly focused their shot over at June climbing up the side of the rumble of some bloodstained monkey bars before returning the shot to Ed and Jonny, who were hanging out around a park bench with kudzu starting to grow around it.

"I should've stayed in that hole in my garage. At least there nothing bad can happen to me," Jonny moaned before taking a drag on his third joint of the day to help ease the pain since Ed continued to refuse taking him to a hospital. The wires of the heat lamps were now the only thing keeping Jonny's bones held together after he was sent flying through the station wagon windshield, and he wasn't looking forward to having to face the bill that Eddy's Bro had given him for totalling one car and damaging a second. "Is there anyone left in town we ask about Eddy or are we really giving up on that? I don't know if I can keep going but Plank keeps tellin' me to man up for once in my life," Jonny asked as he looked over at Ed.

"Double-D is still in the hospital after that woodworking accident with Kevin's dad and the only other person I can think of that might know where he is would be..." Ed trailed off before suddenly clamming up.

"Who would know?" Jonny asked him, though Ed continued his sweaty silence. "Stop holding out on me and Plank, we stuck by your side all day no matter how much we got our asses handed to us! We deserve to know just because of that!" he whined as he sat down on the roundabout like a pouting child.

"The only person in town we did not ask so far is May's oldest sister..." Ed shivered out before wrapping his arms around himself.

"Man, I haven't seen you shiver like that about any of the Kankers since our childhood! Me and Plank thought you got over your fear about them when you were a teenager!" Jonny chattered out while slowly spinning around on the roundabout, pausing for a moment to release a mindless giggle as THC still clouded his mind. "I mean you even married one of them and had a kid with her!"

"That's almost a good point, Jonny. I mean May is my aloft and weeded wife and Marie is too busy love-torturing Nazz to give much tender attention to me these days," Ed replied before nervously glancing over at June climbing across the twisted monkey bars while calling herself a maggot. "But Lee scares the shit out of me, Jonny—more than any horror film ever could, and that's why I never talk to June about her third and final aunt. I worry about my daughter being anywhere near Lee all the time," he spelled out in starkly certain terms.

"She scares me too, Ed..." Jonny admitted to him in a sudden moment of clarity, as if his brain had been detoxed by the mere thought of the eldest Kanker. "It's like she sucked most of the bad juju out of her sisters so she could hog it all to herself..." he stated before the two of them became unnaturally quiet.

Before the two could spend any longer quietly suffering through their silence over it, they heard a door slam shut behind them and the camera crew readjusted themselves to capture Sarah walking across the unkempt grass of the playground toward them.

"There you two are!" Sarah greeted in a strangely cheerful mood before stopping at the other end of the roundabout. "Glad you took June somewhere that's safe for once, Ed!"

"What's got you feelin' such good vibes, Sarah?" Jonny winced out, his moment of clarity with Ed also bringing back the pain shooting through his body.

"Other than watching you get just desserts when you took that trip through a windshield? Well I'm always in a great mood after dishing out some pain on punk assholes who think they can shoot and run from me," Sarah explained before looking from Jonny to Ed. "But it's also because thanks to Ed's stupidity, I was the first one to the scene of the initial shooting and I got mad props for beating every response time on the books!"

"Always happy to be of service!" Ed answered as he tried his best to cheer up since his sister was so happy for once.

"What's the plan now for you and these assholes shoving this camera in everyone's face? Still looking around for my lousy boyfriend?" Sarah asked, though even bringing up Eddy and his disappearance didn't seem to put a damper on her chipper mood.

"Nah, we're giving up on that for now. I gotta get Juney back home before May returns from her house cleaning work so we can sip up some supper," Ed replied before looking over at June boxing one of the supports on the monkey bars.

"Eddy will show up eventually, just on his terms," Sarah answered, wiping some sweat off her forehead. "Anyway don't worry about cooking tonight; I bought some Chinese take-out for us once my shift was over. So you and June should walk on home now if you want some supper."

"HOLY JUMPING BANANA BOATS!" Jonny yelled for joy after hearing Sarah mention Chinese food, which he had been craving for all day. "Mind if me and Plank come over for supper tonight? I'm starving and could use some nice Chinese chow."

"You know what Jonny—normally I'd tell you to make like a termite and fuck a log—but I'm feelin' nice after venting my frustrations on that punkass today. So sure, you and Plank come and make yourselves welcome. Just don't make a mess and come in and out the back door. I don't want any of my fellow deputies driving by and potentially seeing you with me; that'd be embarrassing."

"Works for me! Plank says we'll even eat downstairs so no one can see us through the window, and totally not because we wanna snag some of Ed's stash."

"Glad to know that board's still got all the brains between the two of ya," Sarah laughed as she walked back in her patrol car to drive and park it at home. Ed and June followed soon, beginning their short trek back as Jonny tagged behind them. Even if they failed in finding Eddy today, at least they succeeded in finding a good meal to eat as the three were salivating just thinking about tonight's meal.

* * *

It was past midnight as darkness shrouded the cul-de-sac on this windy spring night. The camera crew was about ready to pack things up, giving up hope that their star would make a return tonight. That was until a purple van with a bright flame decal parked on the edge of Rethink Avenue right under a shady tree. The camera chumps stealthily began a steady march towards their main target as the lights on the van turned off.

The camera slowly slid upward alongside the side of the passenger door of the retro van until it was pointed through the window at Eddy, who was taking a troubled nap. He was sweaty from head to toe despite parking in the shade, and it was clear from the bags under his eyes this uneasy sleep was one among many previous failed attempts at entering the dream world.

As Eddy was not in a state of deep sleep, he was easily startled by the presence of the camera crew, who he could feel outside his vehicle. "Woah now, what's going on out there?" Eddy swung open the driver's door and sluggishly stepped out. He was greeted with a bright LED light beaming onto his weary face, a boom mic obstructing him and a camera pointing directly at him. Eddy couldn't help but groan, far too tired to deal with the camera chodes right now. "Come on you guys, I just got back from my job. Bug the crap out of me tomorrow—I gotta catch some z's."

Suddenly one of the camera creeps whacked Eddy hard with the boom mic. Thanks to him being on the verge of passing out anyway, Eddy easily collapsed onto the concrete as the crew hovered over his unconscious body. One of them then pulled out a syringe containing a microchip and started injecting it into Eddy's left hand. The tracking device entered his bulky body, and the camera crew couldn't help but give each other high-fives and fist bumps.

Eddy would never be out of their sights ever again.


End file.
